Let my lusts be my ruin...

LMAO. What a difference another year can make.

Things went so far into left field that it's something that still blows my mind. But things are good...great even, on the whole. It could be much, much worse.

So what has happened? Oh not much, except that Karen and I are no longer together. We remain good friends and co-parents, but she is now with...Mike. Swear!! And is in fact getting close to having their unplanned baby together, which was conceived while Mike and I were both with her...

Oh yeah, it got nutty.

So I now live in an alternate universe where my wife and I are separated and she is having a child with the man I fell for...oh yeah, I ended up falling in love with Mike too. He couldn't reciprocate, but he could with Karen. I'll tell you guys all about how that scenario ended up happening. Frankly I still have to go back and see where I left off, it's been so long!

I've recently met someone and am currently very twitterpated over this...guy. I have come out as gay to everyone, family, kids and all. I'll tell all about that too, later.

Am I technically bi? I suppose. But for all intents and purposes...I'm gay.

Anyway, here I am again, but this time, in an alternate universe that is surprisingly good, although not with a significant amount of heartache on my part.

Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it.

Still Alive

Still happy with the wife. That is all.

Still Kicking

Firstly, thanks to all of you who posted words of concern. I was truly touched, and I'm sorry I haven't updated.

Fuck Wellbutrin. Fuck it right in the ear.

I'm much better now. Dear sweet Mother of Jesus, that was HORRIBLE!!

I haven't felt like that since before I went on Paxil, years ago.

Still smoking, goddammit.

Will write more asap.

Peace and Love.

Rock Bottom

I'm a smoker. I've always b

een ashamed of it and frequently hide it, to the point that many people are shocked when they find out. I've quit numerous times, and for many years I smoked 5 or less cigarettes per day. But...still a smoker.

A few months ago, my doctor put me on Wellbutrin to help me quit.

I think it's making me crazy. Er.

If you have experience with antidepressants, then you know it takes weeks or months to know if and how it's affecting you. Last week, I started to realize...

I'm having wild mood swings. Giggly and happy, then sullen and angry.

Withdrawn from family and friends.

Low libido. It's rare that I even beat off anymore. Porn does next to nothing for me.

Sleepy all the time.

And...thoughts of suicide. I didn't even want to write that, but it's true.

Now, if there is anyone out there that actually still reads this dumb thing, and gives half a shit, DON'T FREAK OUT!! I'm not about to off myself. I adore my children too much to do that to them. Not to mention my wife, who by shear force of will would raise me from the dead for the express purpose of kicking my ass and then dispatching me to the lowest levels of hell. And then there's extended family, friends, etc.

But if I'm being honest, in my current state, those are the people that are stopping me. The only  reasons why.

I did not take the pill this morning. I'm calling my doc today.

Say a prayer, if you believe in such things.

Mike The Man, Part 2

Turns out, Mike also has some level of same gender attraction. Giggity? Well, he downplays it considerably...and I can't tell if he really isn't that into guys, or if he has lied to himself his whole life, or if he Is afraid of my reaction if he were to admit it.

He finds my attraction to him to be flattering. We flirt quite a bit, but he won't allow more than that. He cracks jokes about me or us when others aren't around, which makes me feel good. His way of saying I'm ok, and that he's ok with me. We actually had to cut back with the flirting because it means more to me and I started to...well...crush on him.

It doesn't help that he is very physically attractive to me.

Also, I've felt no less desire for my wife, which confused me at first. I guess I'm discovering what it means to truly be bi...i dunno. But I certainly have no desire to leave her.
Yet Mike remains intriguing. And, a very good friend. It's a bit of a balancing act, but of course that's old hat for me...

For now, I'm feeling fulfilled. Would sex with Mike be hot as fuck? Probably. But I'm not burning with desire about it, and actually I feel really fulfilled by his friendship. I don't see the need to risk a good friendship, and a good marriage, just to get my rocks off.

Still a balancing act though.

Mike The Man, Part 1

My life is insane.

Things continue to go great with a Karen. I know that's boring to read, but it's the truth! Sex life and relationship continue to improve, generally speaking. Highs and lows like any couple but generally the highs dominate and the lows are not nearly what they used to be. Sweet!

Have I been tempted outside of marriage, you ask?

Goddammit. Yes.

Really unforseen circumstance, but I've been a good boy, I have!

Don't remember if I mentioned my buddy Mike at work. Very cool guy and good friend. Going through second divorce, 5 kids. Straight, but...my gaydar has always blipped around him. Not full tilt, mind you...just a blip. But it's there.

So, I decided to take a chance and share with him. Specifically, that I'm bi, and the recent events that have brought me to where I am now. His reaction?

Totally cool! Not an issue at all. In fact...

I also kinda laid it out...that I've never really had a male best bud who knew me totally, and accepted that. And that I was looking for that with him.

He responded by saying that he didn't have a best bud either, also wanted that, and that I pretty much was his bff at this point.

Oh my GOD! YAY!

So, it's been very cool.

However...the subsequent flirting got a bit out of hand...

Rut roh raggy!

'Ello, Love!

Yellow, everyone! Haven't had much to write about for awhile, but I suppose some updates are in order.

Things with Karen continue to be great! Our sex life keeps getting better and better. I don't know wtf happened, but now, I can't get enough. She has actually complained about me wearing her out and needing a break!

I still find it odd, to desire and enjoy straight sex so much. Whatever! It's been really fulfilling for us both. And fun.

All that being said, I'm still very bi, even though the old 80/20 percentage doesn't feel like it applies most days. And the strangest development happened with my best buddy at work...