Y u no write?

And yet I live...

With my boyfriend now, actually. Neighbors with Karen and Mike. One big happy etc.

Updates to follow.

Sorry I disappeared...

Greetings and Salutations...

Well well well...as I live and breath, if it isn't Sean!

Still alive my dear friends, still breathing.

It's now been almost exactly a year since Karen and I broke up. She and Mike are still going strong and very much in love. Their baby is beautiful and healthy. And if I ever truly loved either of them, I have to let them go.

I'm still working on that. I'm much better than I was. I'll possibly go into the details at some point, I don't know. It's painful and still fresh for me and I'm just starting to heal. I don't want to rip the scab off again and again, yanno??

Our kids have adjusted very well, in large part because Karen and I kept a perfect happy front with the kids. We didn't want them to feel anger and animosity between mom and dad. Divorce is hard enough.

In the end, it was the right thing to do. We loved and still love each other...but I'm gay. She deserved more, the passion and connection that I just couldn't always give her.

But it hurts that I couldn't. And it hurts that she moved on so much quicker than I. That part still fucks with me.

Yet I reckon, at the end of the day, I simply got what I deserved. So mote it be.

More to come, hopefully.

One More Thing...

I've kinda just realized that my blog name isn't fitting anymore...LOL. I'm out and proud as a gay man, and I am still indeed a pastor's son...hmmmmm. Gotta give this some thought.

Let my lusts be my ruin...

LMAO. What a difference another year can make.

Things went so far into left field that it's something that still blows my mind. But things are good...great even, on the whole. It could be much, much worse.

So what has happened? Oh not much, except that Karen and I are no longer together. We remain good friends and co-parents, but she is now with...Mike. Swear!! And is in fact getting close to having their unplanned baby together, which was conceived while Mike and I were both with her...

Oh yeah, it got nutty.

So I now live in an alternate universe where my wife and I are separated and she is having a child with the man I fell for...oh yeah, I ended up falling in love with Mike too. He couldn't reciprocate, but he could with Karen. I'll tell you guys all about how that scenario ended up happening. Frankly I still have to go back and see where I left off, it's been so long!

I've recently met someone and am currently very twitterpated over this...guy. I have come out as gay to everyone, family, kids and all. I'll tell all about that too, later.

Am I technically bi? I suppose. But for all intents and purposes...I'm gay.

Anyway, here I am again, but this time, in an alternate universe that is surprisingly good, although not with a significant amount of heartache on my part.

Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it.

Mike The Man, Part 2

Turns out, Mike also has some level of same gender attraction. Giggity? Well, he downplays it considerably...and I can't tell if he really isn't that into guys, or if he has lied to himself his whole life, or if he Is afraid of my reaction if he were to admit it.

He finds my attraction to him to be flattering. We flirt quite a bit, but he won't allow more than that. He cracks jokes about me or us when others aren't around, which makes me feel good. His way of saying I'm ok, and that he's ok with me. We actually had to cut back with the flirting because it means more to me and I started to...well...crush on him.

It doesn't help that he is very physically attractive to me.

Also, I've felt no less desire for my wife, which confused me at first. I guess I'm discovering what it means to truly be bi...i dunno. But I certainly have no desire to leave her.
Yet Mike remains intriguing. And, a very good friend. It's a bit of a balancing act, but of course that's old hat for me...

For now, I'm feeling fulfilled. Would sex with Mike be hot as fuck? Probably. But I'm not burning with desire about it, and actually I feel really fulfilled by his friendship. I don't see the need to risk a good friendship, and a good marriage, just to get my rocks off.

Still a balancing act though.

Mike The Man, Part 1

My life is insane.

Things continue to go great with a Karen. I know that's boring to read, but it's the truth! Sex life and relationship continue to improve, generally speaking. Highs and lows like any couple but generally the highs dominate and the lows are not nearly what they used to be. Sweet!

Have I been tempted outside of marriage, you ask?

Goddammit. Yes.

Really unforseen circumstance, but I've been a good boy, I have!

Don't remember if I mentioned my buddy Mike at work. Very cool guy and good friend. Going through second divorce, 5 kids. Straight, but...my gaydar has always blipped around him. Not full tilt, mind you...just a blip. But it's there.

So, I decided to take a chance and share with him. Specifically, that I'm bi, and the recent events that have brought me to where I am now. His reaction?

Totally cool! Not an issue at all. In fact...

I also kinda laid it out...that I've never really had a male best bud who knew me totally, and accepted that. And that I was looking for that with him.

He responded by saying that he didn't have a best bud either, also wanted that, and that I pretty much was his bff at this point.

Oh my GOD! YAY!

So, it's been very cool.

However...the subsequent flirting got a bit out of hand...

Rut roh raggy!

'Ello, Love!

Yellow, everyone! Haven't had much to write about for awhile, but I suppose some updates are in order.

Things with Karen continue to be great! Our sex life keeps getting better and better. I don't know wtf happened, but now, I can't get enough. She has actually complained about me wearing her out and needing a break!

I still find it odd, to desire and enjoy straight sex so much. Whatever! It's been really fulfilling for us both. And fun.

All that being said, I'm still very bi, even though the old 80/20 percentage doesn't feel like it applies most days. And the strangest development happened with my best buddy at work...

In Hiding?

Been thinking about sexuality a lot lately...well, more than usual. It's so strange, the masks so many wear, to hide their true faces. You could say I'm still wearing one. Yet, if bisexuality truly exists, wouldn't I simply be donning a different mask if I were to be with a man?

Maybe. But really, societal norms being what they are, and if I'm being truly honest with myself, the basic fact is, as a rule, I am more attracted to men than I am to women--therefore, even though I'm hot for my wife, it is really the mask of straightness that I chose to wear all those years ago.

Am I still hiding?

I don't feel like I am. In fact I feel more open and bare to my soul with those who are closest to me--and with myself-- than I ever have.

Yet, old doubts remain. I guess this shit doesn't happen overnight. I'm still not looking to cheat on my wife--yay! But I worry about it happening again. So far I feel fulfilled with her and if I want to be with a guy, I jack off to that fantasy and I feel fulfilled there too.  

Will this always be enough? I sure hope so--I'm not a good cheater.  Too much internal anguish and guilt. So, I can honestly say that it is for now...I just hope it lasts and I don't go fucking shit up again.

Everybody Knows

Tell me now if you came sneaking up behind
Would you know me and see behind the smile
I can change like colors on a wall
Hoping no one else will find what lies beneath it all
I think I hide it all so well

Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won't forget my name
That's the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows

Looking through the crowd
I search for something else
But every time I turn around
I run into myself
Here I stand
Consumed with my surroundings
Just another day
Of everybody looking
I swore they'd never see me cry
You'll never see me cry

Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won't forget my name
That's the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows

You say I'll pay the price
That's the chance that I'll take
Though you may think I'm telling lies...
But I just call it getting by

Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won't forget my name
That's the way we play this game of life

Everybody knows...

I'm just barely getting by...

Updates

Hey everyone. Haven't written lately obviously. Lots of good things thus far going on!

You know, if I were sitting out there on the internet, reading what I have wrote so far, you know what I would honestly think?

"Bullshit. Climb back out of the closet you just stepped back into, SEAN!!"

Frankly, I can't believe it myself. For the first few days after The Talk, I was in complete shock. I couldn't believe things had worked out so well. I mean, reading what I wrote, it's easy to see how fucked in the head I was, how afraid of being gay I was, how afraid I was to break up my family, how afraid I was to really face the truth, whatever it would turn out to be.

Afraid, afraid, afraid. Fear, fear, fear.

Aren't we all tired of living in fear? Of ourselves?

Nope, no more of that for me. I'm full up, thanks.

So what happened?

Turns out, I'm NOT gay. And no, I'm not straight either. I'm definitely bi.

What I mean is, you know what I realized? That I'm...BISEXUAL. You know what that means? I like dudes. They're hot. But guess what else that means?

I also like women. They are also hot. Giggity!

What I'm saying is this. I spent my life mind-fucking myself over being attracted to men. Yet I've always been sexually attracted to women as well, even if it was less than to men. I think, because of my upbringing, I focused so much worrying about the homo side of things that I almost KILLED my hetero side.

All things considered, I admit that killing an approximation of 20% heteroness isn't exactly difficult. And yeah, if I had been raised differently, I would have went gay, almost for sure.

But I was raised the way I was raised. And despite the twists and turns and heartache that have led me here...I'm here. With her.

I'm honestly thankful for that.

I'm seeing things so much clearer now. I know the journey is still long, and for guys like me, always difficult. I know, BELIEVE me.

But I believe in what we have. My heart is hers, my mind is hers. I'm no longer tempted to stray.

Will that always be the case? I doubt it. I'm only human...but things are different now. I believe in myself, and in what I have with her.

Things with her are really, REALLY good. Why would I throw that away? Why would I throw US away?

Thank you God, for the good things.

And to hell with the rest!

The Talk, Part III

We each sat on our sides of the bed. I stared into my lap as the tears continued to silently fall.

"I need to ask you something" she said quietly, "and you have to be honest with me." I looked up at her.

Her face was resolute, touched with fear and...yes. I saw anger there.

We looked into each others eyes. Truth only, Sean. You owe her that. You owe yourself that.

"What...is your primary sexual preference?"

Fuck me.

I looked away, staring at nothing. Honesty.

I turned my head back to her, and I answered...

"To men."

She shook her head as she turned away from me, turning to sit on the edge of the bed, burying her face in her hands. She started to sob, which continued for a couple of minutes until she suddenly stood up and ran to the bathroom. I could hear her vomiting.

After a few minutes she walked back in and sat back down. She wouldn't look at me. "So now what?"

So now what, indeed.

I did not want to break up my family, but I had to be honest with myself and with her, come what may.

She spoke up again. "What do you want?"

"I don't know". Out came the honest answer, immediately. "I don't know what I want."

She looked at me, sad but firm.

"I'm sorry then...but I can't do this."

*****

The above was how I originally was going to write this part out. (None of the above was fiction, by the way.) Perhaps this is my little stab at some melodramatic romance novelization of a very serious personal situation. Yeah, that sounds like me--gay as shit, and making light of something serious at the same time.  Even so, I wish I could continue to write this out like this, but meh... I'm calling bullshit on myself.  Perhaps if I lived in an alternate universe where I had tons of time and cared more about how I write things than how I live them, but alas, I'm stuck here in this one for now.

I'll just super condense it for now, and spit out more details as I can. The bottom line is this:

We remembered who WE were before the bullshit started. We dug down to why it started. I realized that I had actually always been confused by my level of attraction to Karen, since I was usually into guys. Because of that, I quickly sabotaged what we had in my own mind, which of course lead to reality quickly following. That I had been too afraid to really look at my level of attraction to men vs. women in fear of losing her AND being forced to realize I might be gay and not bi.

In the middle of all that honesty, I almost lost her, and it was like a flash, an epiphany went off in my head, in my heart, in my soul....what was I saying? What was I doing? I thought back to the beginning, before the lies, and doubts and walls and the rest of it. About how I felt that connection with her from the moment we met. How that sexual spark WAS there, and it was great, and it was real, despite my general homo attractions. I thought of all this and realized I wanted HER. Could we make it work sexually again? I didn't know, but wasn't it worth trying for?

Basically, I (and we) faced these things down and we reconnected very, very deeply. Actually, I feel like we've connected for the first time ever.

It wasn't all about me. She had her own insecurities that she had to face. Much of it comes from before she knew me, and my hiding things made it worse. She had to decide if she could trust me, could forgive me, and could trust and forgive herself for her part. She had to KNOW that she  is the one I want in every way, not just because we love each other and have kids. And much more...

With all this said, we are all  adults here. We know that sex is the bottom line in regards to this little story. Love isn't enough if we are both really going to be fulfilled.

Well?

We have had sex for the past three nights in a row. That is actually the first time EVER for us. We even woke up in the middle of the night the night before last for another round!

After the talk, it became absolutely electric. We both are like horndoggy teenagers. We can't get enough of each other! No desperation to get me off...just really great, passionate sex.

And I'm not thinking about guys when I'm with her. I was so afraid that I would be...and that's not to say that guys aren't hot anymore. But when I'm with her, I'm WITH her--for the first time ever.

It's hard not to discount or at least question all of this because I've been fucked up over this shit my whole life. Thinking that I might actually have a handle on who I am is very new, and I'm not sure how to just accept it yet. I DO know that I don't expect my male desires to go away. I am a bisexual man, forever and always. In fact we talked about that. She understands that these things are a part of my sexuality and repressing them only makes it worse. Not that I'm to cheat, but my alone time is my alone time, and she knows that will more than likely include male fantasies. I have permission! And now that I do have that...so far anyway...I'm thinking of her. Still confusing...but...I'm going with it.

Will this be happily ever after? I don't know, but I'm extremely hopeful for the first time in my life that it's possible. It certainly feels right, and not forced.

I can't see the future, but I do know what I can see right here, right now.

And right here, right now, for the first time in my life...it's good.

The Talk, Part II

Hello everyone. It's been a crazy couple of days, to say the least. There is much to say without enough time to say it! I was going to write it all out, but I'm still processing it, and don't really have enough time right now anyway. I want to though, and I will probably do so soon.

I don't know what came over me--other than a lifetime of facing (or not facing) this shit down alone and scared. But starting this blog brought it all to a head, and apparently I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

It was an emotional roller coaster of a night, to be sure. It was the most scared and emotionally naked I have ever felt. I told her the truth about myself as I understand it---completely.

I told her how I'm almost exclusively physically attracted to men, with her being the main and basically only exception. How I didn't really figure that out until now, which meant that I hid behind a half truth, which only served to alienate and scare her. How she has in turn made me to feel ashamed and guilty of that side of me, which only made me hide it more, which only fueled her insecurities, which only made me repress myself further, which only scared her more and raised more suspicions...on and on, repeat for years and years...

I told her how I still, now, have a very deep emotional need for a intimate connection with a man, and have had it since I was a boy. How I have combined that need with my homosexual desires, when in fact they can be two separate things. How, as she already knew, I've never had a male best friend, and (this part was terrifying to say to HER) that at this point I'm afraid that I'll fall in love should he ever come along.

I told her how I stopped wanting her sexually after our connection started to fade, and as my only other preference besides her is for men, that is where I naturally started to look. I even told her that I very nearly tried to find a permanent FWB.

This conversation took many twists and turns, some of them pretty fucking scary. Because I had never spoken any this aloud, and was still figuring it out, I didn't have my usual way with words (I can be a smooth talker--and convincing liar-- if I want). My usual script was gone, and I was...just real. It was only by talking it out with her that we figured it out--together.

How did she take it? Beautifully well, my Karen, considering the magnitude of what was being said. She obviously had many questions that were very frightening for me to answer truthfully...but I did.

To be continued...

In Time?

As the years have passed, I've somehow hidden my level of attraction for men from her, because she generally seems oblivious about it. However, my gut strongly says she has repressed her concerns.

Last night, the Mrs and I watched "In Time", starring the incomparable acting talents of Justin Timberlake and Amanda Seyfried.

Actually, I was mildly impressed with Mr. Timberlake's performance. Not so bad for a former boy bander, and he's quite easy on the eyes. Not really my type, but still.

Ms. Seyfried is so fucking hot that I actually feel straight when I look at her. Her acting chops are mediocre in my opinion, but DAMMMNNNN... that face! That body! Exactly my (female) type.

Anywho, a scene came on where JT strips down to jump in the ocean. Off comes the shirt. Mmmmm. The pants get unbuckled. He starts sliding them down...

...and cut to Amanda.

"Damn!", I hear from my right (echoing my thought).

I turn my head, glaring at my wife.

"And just WHAT, may I ask, was THAT?"

She grinned sheepishly. "What? I know you think SHE is hot."

"Well yeah I do...but I wouldn't have minded seeing him too."

She suddenly looks disturbed, like I've said something verboten. Not deeply disturbed, but almost...childish? Silly but serious?

This irritated me a bit. "Hello, have we met before? I'm bisexual."

She looked at her hands. "I know", she said, "but I don't like it when you...you know..."

We got caught back up in the movie, and I let it go...but there it is.

The problem is, this is actually my fault. Like everything, I suppose.

You see, early in our relationship and marriage, she caught me looking at gay porn a couple of times. Karen has insecurity issues anyway, and she was very upset about it. Her fear and rage combined were truly something to behold.

My reaction was what fucked it up. I should have sat down with her and been TRULY honest, but I was incapable of even being honest with myself at the time. What I could have and should have done was remind her that, yes, I am bisexual, and fulfilling that side of me while maintaining my fidelity to her was not only to be expected as a man, but was also healthy. Comfort and reassure, but insist that this is a part of who I am and I should not be made to feel guilty about it.

Instead, I reacted with my head bowed in shame, profusely apologizing, both of us crying as she continued to berate and interrogate me.

I now realize that I reacted the way I did because of the deeper truth that I was unwilling or unable to face.

The deeper truth was that, despite my external and internal insistence that I was open and enlightened regarding my sexuality, I was actually still extremely repressed. The truth was I wanted to be with a man, that I was already cheating on her with men in my mind, that I had in fact cheated on her once while engaged.

And she reacted the way she did out of justified insecurity, justified fear, justified hurt...

I fucked it up. As a result, a monster lurks beneath our happy little life. A monster of my own creation, and at this point, she has convinced herself that it doesn't exist.

I fucked it up.

My Little Demon

You think you see demons? I  think you are the demon...

Ok, so was my last post emo enough for you? Boo hoo...

Anyway, it felt good to get that off the ole chest. Time to man back up I suppress...I mean suppose...

I think my dilemma is boiling down to this:

1. I love my wife and enjoy her companionship.

2. I'm definitely bisexual, as opposed to outright gay. However, my general attraction is definitely more towards men.

3. I want to be straight enough to stay with her and be able to form a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship with her.

4. I am not confident, even if I can remain "straight enough" to perform for her, that it will be sexually (and perhaps emotionally?) fulfilling enough for me.

These are my demons. Not all of them of course--just the bigger ones I'm dealing with here in this blog.

Of course, according to how I was raised, what I'm really dealing with is an actual, literal demon that has possessed me as a young child.

You know what really bugs me? On some level I actually wonder if it's true.

"WHAT?!?!"--My rational mind

Yep. There it is, the result of Christian Brainwashing. It's a wonderful legacy, really. I'm so proud.

I'm truly not being hyperbolic or melodramatic, by the way. Here's a quote I heard repeated by my dad many times from the pulpit:

"Brainwash your kids with the Word of God!"

Oh, Dad. I know you meant well, you really did.

He would then go on to explain that he meant that quite literally. "Brainwash those little suckers!" he would say with a grin, to widespread chuckles.

And he actually did succeed for quite some time. But how well prepared do you think we probably were for dealing with the real world?

Exactly.

I'm almost nothing like I was back then, for almost all intents and purposes, and almost all to the positive, if I do say so myself. But it's been a long and hard road at times.

Yet internally, I'm constantly plagued with doubt. And I'm very embarrassed to admit this, but oh well:

What if, somehow, I'm wrong, and I really have allowed a (gay gasp!) gay demon to live inside me?

Ugh. Ok. I really don't believe that for various reasons, the largest being God has had ample opportunity to go all Ghostbusters on my ass for years, especially back when I begged him to do so, ad nauseam.

But there it is, in the back of my mind, gnawing at me.

Like a little demon.

Masks

I'm home sick again today. The doctor confirmed yesterday that my inability to swallow, that stabbing pain in my throat, and my bullfrog-like appearance is indeed strep. Yay. My boss is pissed. Double yay.

Kids are at school. Wife went to a friends.

As soon as she left, I started crying.

I'm finding myself conflicted over this blog. It's causing me to address things that scare the hell out of me. I'm sitting here miserable and conflicted, and she doesn't have a clue. No one does.

I can't believe I'm this good at hiding my true feelings. In a very real way, I'm an actor on a stage, every minute of every day.

My heart feels like it ls breaking. These tears keep falling. Goddammit, I love her. I can't do this. I'm going to break her fucking heart!

At the same time, I know that my eternal cognitive dissonance is slowly killing me.

Why must we wear these masks we wear? Our speech muted, our vision unclear?

I'm extremely depressed and anxious right now. If you believe in prayer, I'd appreciate it.

They cover our faces, they take away our air, all while smiling as if without care.

The Need

A lot of my Bi Married Blogging Brothers™ ;) have been writing lately about honesty. There must be something in the air, for this has also been heavily on my mind.

Among all the thoughts swirling around in my noggin right now, one of the loudest is this: Is it possible for a bi man to remain monogamous and faithful to his wife?

First of all, I'll beat you to the punch and answer myself with "Yes". Of course it's possible, ANYTHING is possible.

Ok. How about probable? Is it probable that a bi married man will remain faithful to his wife?

No. No it is not.

That's not to say it hasn't happened. I'm sure it has, but I've yet to read about it or hear of it firsthand on all the blogs and articles and e-mails I've read. Or, the blog doesn't really make it clear, so I guess on those it's a maybe.

Dear Faithful Bi Married Reader, are you a unicorn? If you're out there, can you please speak up in the comments?

So lets say these guys exist. Ok, but have they remained faithful in their minds? In the biggest sex organ we have--our brain? (Sorry, John Holmes).

That answer, dear reader, is a 100%, money-back guaranteed "no". If your bi/gay and married, then you already know this.

I think it's quite commendable if a bi guy remains physically faithful to his woman. Yet even in that best case scenario, he is still going to be unfaithful in his mind.

I'm not talking about fantasies. Everyone--male or female, gay or straight--has occasional or perhaps even frequent masterbatory fantasies that exclude their significant other.

No, I'm talking about the Need. Even if you never physically act on it, you've done so in your head a million times.

The Need will always pull on you. It will never, ever go away. Ever. You can feed it, or you can starve it---but you don't get rid of it.

How long before even the hardiest of souls give in? Even the best intentioned bi man in the world? We are only men. We are only human.

I thought when I got married that I had found happily ever after. I reasoned that I was in love with Karen and to choose marriage is to choose monogomy no matter what one's sexual orientation is.

I wasn't honest enough with myself. I have cheated on Karen in my mind almost since day 1, and eventually those mental cheats became the real thing. I'm extremely saddened by this, and ashamed of myself, for her sake.

Don't get me wrong. Some guys out there would consider what I've done to be literally next to nothing!  Just a few quick, random hook ups that weren't exactly pre-planned (although to be 100% honest, I was casually cruising in most cases).  Never anything unsafe.

But "next to nothing" and "nothing" are 2 separate things.

I want to do right by her, but I've already fucked that up. She deserves better than that.

We both do.

Fantasy

He's married, like me.

He's my best bud. Sometimes his wife and kids and mine all get together for dinners and games.

He and I insist on "man time" every couple of weeks or so, to get away for a day and chill, just us guys.

We then spend the majority of that day in bed together.

We both love our wives, and don't want to lose them, or hurt them. We remain monogomous with them, and with each other.

We understand each other perfectly. Our need for a man's firm touch is something that runs deep, and must be fulfilled. We would sooner die than betray each other's trust and destroy our families.

Our time together is our own little world of our own creation. We are equals, no matter who is giving, or who is taking. Sometimes these moments are filled with wild, lustful, animalistic abandon; in others, a tenderness that one would not expect between two men.

We often lay naked in each other's arms, savoring each other's bodies, the touch of another man.

We are friends. Our relationship remains just that--a friendship--but with amazing benefits. We can tell each other anything.

We both enjoy making love to our wives, but that has nothing to do with what we receive from each other. It is the very opposite to what making love to a woman provides--hardness instead of softness, rough instead of tender, sameness instead of the opposite.

A masculine touch, to balance the feminine.

A man's touch.

The Ideal Christian Child

I keep thinking about that article.

No definable self. Often too easily influenced by others. Trained to please everyone. Known by many, but not knowable. Forced to play rolls in life.

All quite true, I'm afraid. But the next part is what freaked me out.

"They know the right words to use in marriage; they know how to perform; but they don't know how to deeply love another person."

"Pastor's sons...have not been allowed to exercise a real will of their own. Instead, their wants, needs, desires and dreams have been subjected to the will of others. They are pretty much the ideal Christian child because they are tremendously pleasant to be around, but they later flounder in adult life".

Without going into too much detail...yeah. To a "T", yours truly.

I can honestly say I've overcome much of this, to varying degrees of success. But at the risk of sounding melodramatic, I can just as honestly say that something inside me remains damaged. I remain both rudderless and anchorless at thirty-fucking-six years of fucking age. And that fucking pisses me the fuck off!

As children, my sister and I were near perfect. We were extremely well behaved, so much so that it was a point of pride for our parents. They were always complimented on us.

As adults we have both struggled to find our own voices. I'm the more successful of us in regards to that, and I'm the one who closeted and married!

I also have a pretty sickening need for approval. This is something that has massively improved over the years, largely because nothing I do is good enough for my parents (who's approval I've longed for the most), so I have largely stopped trying in regards to them. They express approval every so often for minor things, but by and large, my liberal, free-thinking ways are anathema.

Now I'm to the point that my feelings on being disapproved of or unliked largely depend on the person. If I think they are an asshole, then fuck them.

If I like them, then I'm troubled very deeply.  But hell, depending on my level of dislike for the assholes, even being disliked by them bothers me a little!

I've been many people's best friend, but I've never felt like I have had a best friend. I'm known by many, but not really knowable. There are some who know most of me, like my wife, but even then it's only the parts I feel I can show.

With all of this said, what really gets to me is the part about not being able to deeply love another person.

As much as I love my wife, I don't know if I'm deeply in love with her. I don't know if I ever have been.

I don't know if I know how.

Oh, I've Got Your Real Steel...

I provoked a bit of a conversation with my wife last night. It was short, but telling.

We were watching "Real Steel" on Blueray which stars Hugh Jackman and Evangeline Lilly. Double yummy.

I mentioned that Miss Lilly was hot. She narrowed her eyes at me and gave me a faux-dirty look.

Grinning devilishly, I asked her if it makes her jealous when I make comments like that (which I rarely do).

She said no, because she's a  celebrity and not realistically attainable.

After recovering from her shocking assumption that Evangeline Lilly DOESN'T have the hots for me, I asked if it would bother her if I made the same sort of comment about a guy...like, say, Mr. Jackman.

Her response was no, for the same reason. "I know you better than that", she said. "It's all about obtainability. It would be different if it were people around us."

"It doesn't bother you that it's a guy?"

"No."

Here's the thing. I think she said that because she's a good little liberal. She knows that being LGBT is not a choice, and that getting mad at me for something I can't help would be hypocritical of her.

It bothers her though, I can tell.  My bisexuality has always been a source of concern for her, in large part due to a few incidents that happened early on in our relationship. More on that later...

Anyway, one more thing that I find to be wierd but cool.  It could be a coincidence, but since starting this blog my libido has increased...for my wife! Guys are still hot, but...I'm wanting her. BAD!

Confusing, but I'm just gonna go with it.

You Bettah Step!

In case it's not obvious enough from the name I chose, this blog is going to talk frankly about mostly 2 things:

1. Religion, especially Christianity, and how it relates to...

2. Sex, specifically same-sex attraction among married and/or religious men. Even more specifically, MY attraction to men as a married Christian man.

I realize not everyone is religious, but I have a hunch that many bi or gay married men got married due to coming from a religious background.

I'm very open to comments and even respectful criticism--but keep any judgement to yourself. I've had a lifetime of that and I'm full up.

Oh. I also curse a lot. Never around my kids, or any place or situation where it isn't appropriate. But yeah.

So if you have issues with any of this? Get to steppin'!