Greetings and Salutations...

Well well well...as I live and breath, if it isn't Sean!

Still alive my dear friends, still breathing.

It's now been almost exactly a year since Karen and I broke up. She and Mike are still going strong and very much in love. Their baby is beautiful and healthy. And if I ever truly loved either of them, I have to let them go.

I'm still working on that. I'm much better than I was. I'll possibly go into the details at some point, I don't know. It's painful and still fresh for me and I'm just starting to heal. I don't want to rip the scab off again and again, yanno??

Our kids have adjusted very well, in large part because Karen and I kept a perfect happy front with the kids. We didn't want them to feel anger and animosity between mom and dad. Divorce is hard enough.

In the end, it was the right thing to do. We loved and still love each other...but I'm gay. She deserved more, the passion and connection that I just couldn't always give her.

But it hurts that I couldn't. And it hurts that she moved on so much quicker than I. That part still fucks with me.

Yet I reckon, at the end of the day, I simply got what I deserved. So mote it be.

More to come, hopefully.

Mike The Man, Part 2

Turns out, Mike also has some level of same gender attraction. Giggity? Well, he downplays it considerably...and I can't tell if he really isn't that into guys, or if he has lied to himself his whole life, or if he Is afraid of my reaction if he were to admit it.

He finds my attraction to him to be flattering. We flirt quite a bit, but he won't allow more than that. He cracks jokes about me or us when others aren't around, which makes me feel good. His way of saying I'm ok, and that he's ok with me. We actually had to cut back with the flirting because it means more to me and I started to...well...crush on him.

It doesn't help that he is very physically attractive to me.

Also, I've felt no less desire for my wife, which confused me at first. I guess I'm discovering what it means to truly be bi...i dunno. But I certainly have no desire to leave her.
Yet Mike remains intriguing. And, a very good friend. It's a bit of a balancing act, but of course that's old hat for me...

For now, I'm feeling fulfilled. Would sex with Mike be hot as fuck? Probably. But I'm not burning with desire about it, and actually I feel really fulfilled by his friendship. I don't see the need to risk a good friendship, and a good marriage, just to get my rocks off.

Still a balancing act though.

Mike The Man, Part 1

My life is insane.

Things continue to go great with a Karen. I know that's boring to read, but it's the truth! Sex life and relationship continue to improve, generally speaking. Highs and lows like any couple but generally the highs dominate and the lows are not nearly what they used to be. Sweet!

Have I been tempted outside of marriage, you ask?

Goddammit. Yes.

Really unforseen circumstance, but I've been a good boy, I have!

Don't remember if I mentioned my buddy Mike at work. Very cool guy and good friend. Going through second divorce, 5 kids. Straight, but...my gaydar has always blipped around him. Not full tilt, mind you...just a blip. But it's there.

So, I decided to take a chance and share with him. Specifically, that I'm bi, and the recent events that have brought me to where I am now. His reaction?

Totally cool! Not an issue at all. In fact...

I also kinda laid it out...that I've never really had a male best bud who knew me totally, and accepted that. And that I was looking for that with him.

He responded by saying that he didn't have a best bud either, also wanted that, and that I pretty much was his bff at this point.

Oh my GOD! YAY!

So, it's been very cool.

However...the subsequent flirting got a bit out of hand...

Rut roh raggy!

'Ello, Love!

Yellow, everyone! Haven't had much to write about for awhile, but I suppose some updates are in order.

Things with Karen continue to be great! Our sex life keeps getting better and better. I don't know wtf happened, but now, I can't get enough. She has actually complained about me wearing her out and needing a break!

I still find it odd, to desire and enjoy straight sex so much. Whatever! It's been really fulfilling for us both. And fun.

All that being said, I'm still very bi, even though the old 80/20 percentage doesn't feel like it applies most days. And the strangest development happened with my best buddy at work...

In Hiding?

Been thinking about sexuality a lot lately...well, more than usual. It's so strange, the masks so many wear, to hide their true faces. You could say I'm still wearing one. Yet, if bisexuality truly exists, wouldn't I simply be donning a different mask if I were to be with a man?

Maybe. But really, societal norms being what they are, and if I'm being truly honest with myself, the basic fact is, as a rule, I am more attracted to men than I am to women--therefore, even though I'm hot for my wife, it is really the mask of straightness that I chose to wear all those years ago.

Am I still hiding?

I don't feel like I am. In fact I feel more open and bare to my soul with those who are closest to me--and with myself-- than I ever have.

Yet, old doubts remain. I guess this shit doesn't happen overnight. I'm still not looking to cheat on my wife--yay! But I worry about it happening again. So far I feel fulfilled with her and if I want to be with a guy, I jack off to that fantasy and I feel fulfilled there too.  

Will this always be enough? I sure hope so--I'm not a good cheater.  Too much internal anguish and guilt. So, I can honestly say that it is for now...I just hope it lasts and I don't go fucking shit up again.

Everybody Knows

Tell me now if you came sneaking up behind
Would you know me and see behind the smile
I can change like colors on a wall
Hoping no one else will find what lies beneath it all
I think I hide it all so well

Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won't forget my name
That's the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows

Looking through the crowd
I search for something else
But every time I turn around
I run into myself
Here I stand
Consumed with my surroundings
Just another day
Of everybody looking
I swore they'd never see me cry
You'll never see me cry

Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won't forget my name
That's the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows

You say I'll pay the price
That's the chance that I'll take
Though you may think I'm telling lies...
But I just call it getting by

Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won't forget my name
That's the way we play this game of life

Everybody knows...

I'm just barely getting by...

Updates

Hey everyone. Haven't written lately obviously. Lots of good things thus far going on!

You know, if I were sitting out there on the internet, reading what I have wrote so far, you know what I would honestly think?

"Bullshit. Climb back out of the closet you just stepped back into, SEAN!!"

Frankly, I can't believe it myself. For the first few days after The Talk, I was in complete shock. I couldn't believe things had worked out so well. I mean, reading what I wrote, it's easy to see how fucked in the head I was, how afraid of being gay I was, how afraid I was to break up my family, how afraid I was to really face the truth, whatever it would turn out to be.

Afraid, afraid, afraid. Fear, fear, fear.

Aren't we all tired of living in fear? Of ourselves?

Nope, no more of that for me. I'm full up, thanks.

So what happened?

Turns out, I'm NOT gay. And no, I'm not straight either. I'm definitely bi.

What I mean is, you know what I realized? That I'm...BISEXUAL. You know what that means? I like dudes. They're hot. But guess what else that means?

I also like women. They are also hot. Giggity!

What I'm saying is this. I spent my life mind-fucking myself over being attracted to men. Yet I've always been sexually attracted to women as well, even if it was less than to men. I think, because of my upbringing, I focused so much worrying about the homo side of things that I almost KILLED my hetero side.

All things considered, I admit that killing an approximation of 20% heteroness isn't exactly difficult. And yeah, if I had been raised differently, I would have went gay, almost for sure.

But I was raised the way I was raised. And despite the twists and turns and heartache that have led me here...I'm here. With her.

I'm honestly thankful for that.

I'm seeing things so much clearer now. I know the journey is still long, and for guys like me, always difficult. I know, BELIEVE me.

But I believe in what we have. My heart is hers, my mind is hers. I'm no longer tempted to stray.

Will that always be the case? I doubt it. I'm only human...but things are different now. I believe in myself, and in what I have with her.

Things with her are really, REALLY good. Why would I throw that away? Why would I throw US away?

Thank you God, for the good things.

And to hell with the rest!

The Talk, Part III

We each sat on our sides of the bed. I stared into my lap as the tears continued to silently fall.

"I need to ask you something" she said quietly, "and you have to be honest with me." I looked up at her.

Her face was resolute, touched with fear and...yes. I saw anger there.

We looked into each others eyes. Truth only, Sean. You owe her that. You owe yourself that.

"What...is your primary sexual preference?"

Fuck me.

I looked away, staring at nothing. Honesty.

I turned my head back to her, and I answered...

"To men."

She shook her head as she turned away from me, turning to sit on the edge of the bed, burying her face in her hands. She started to sob, which continued for a couple of minutes until she suddenly stood up and ran to the bathroom. I could hear her vomiting.

After a few minutes she walked back in and sat back down. She wouldn't look at me. "So now what?"

So now what, indeed.

I did not want to break up my family, but I had to be honest with myself and with her, come what may.

She spoke up again. "What do you want?"

"I don't know". Out came the honest answer, immediately. "I don't know what I want."

She looked at me, sad but firm.

"I'm sorry then...but I can't do this."

*****

The above was how I originally was going to write this part out. (None of the above was fiction, by the way.) Perhaps this is my little stab at some melodramatic romance novelization of a very serious personal situation. Yeah, that sounds like me--gay as shit, and making light of something serious at the same time.  Even so, I wish I could continue to write this out like this, but meh... I'm calling bullshit on myself.  Perhaps if I lived in an alternate universe where I had tons of time and cared more about how I write things than how I live them, but alas, I'm stuck here in this one for now.

I'll just super condense it for now, and spit out more details as I can. The bottom line is this:

We remembered who WE were before the bullshit started. We dug down to why it started. I realized that I had actually always been confused by my level of attraction to Karen, since I was usually into guys. Because of that, I quickly sabotaged what we had in my own mind, which of course lead to reality quickly following. That I had been too afraid to really look at my level of attraction to men vs. women in fear of losing her AND being forced to realize I might be gay and not bi.

In the middle of all that honesty, I almost lost her, and it was like a flash, an epiphany went off in my head, in my heart, in my soul....what was I saying? What was I doing? I thought back to the beginning, before the lies, and doubts and walls and the rest of it. About how I felt that connection with her from the moment we met. How that sexual spark WAS there, and it was great, and it was real, despite my general homo attractions. I thought of all this and realized I wanted HER. Could we make it work sexually again? I didn't know, but wasn't it worth trying for?

Basically, I (and we) faced these things down and we reconnected very, very deeply. Actually, I feel like we've connected for the first time ever.

It wasn't all about me. She had her own insecurities that she had to face. Much of it comes from before she knew me, and my hiding things made it worse. She had to decide if she could trust me, could forgive me, and could trust and forgive herself for her part. She had to KNOW that she  is the one I want in every way, not just because we love each other and have kids. And much more...

With all this said, we are all  adults here. We know that sex is the bottom line in regards to this little story. Love isn't enough if we are both really going to be fulfilled.

Well?

We have had sex for the past three nights in a row. That is actually the first time EVER for us. We even woke up in the middle of the night the night before last for another round!

After the talk, it became absolutely electric. We both are like horndoggy teenagers. We can't get enough of each other! No desperation to get me off...just really great, passionate sex.

And I'm not thinking about guys when I'm with her. I was so afraid that I would be...and that's not to say that guys aren't hot anymore. But when I'm with her, I'm WITH her--for the first time ever.

It's hard not to discount or at least question all of this because I've been fucked up over this shit my whole life. Thinking that I might actually have a handle on who I am is very new, and I'm not sure how to just accept it yet. I DO know that I don't expect my male desires to go away. I am a bisexual man, forever and always. In fact we talked about that. She understands that these things are a part of my sexuality and repressing them only makes it worse. Not that I'm to cheat, but my alone time is my alone time, and she knows that will more than likely include male fantasies. I have permission! And now that I do have that...so far anyway...I'm thinking of her. Still confusing...but...I'm going with it.

Will this be happily ever after? I don't know, but I'm extremely hopeful for the first time in my life that it's possible. It certainly feels right, and not forced.

I can't see the future, but I do know what I can see right here, right now.

And right here, right now, for the first time in my life...it's good.

In Time?

As the years have passed, I've somehow hidden my level of attraction for men from her, because she generally seems oblivious about it. However, my gut strongly says she has repressed her concerns.

Last night, the Mrs and I watched "In Time", starring the incomparable acting talents of Justin Timberlake and Amanda Seyfried.

Actually, I was mildly impressed with Mr. Timberlake's performance. Not so bad for a former boy bander, and he's quite easy on the eyes. Not really my type, but still.

Ms. Seyfried is so fucking hot that I actually feel straight when I look at her. Her acting chops are mediocre in my opinion, but DAMMMNNNN... that face! That body! Exactly my (female) type.

Anywho, a scene came on where JT strips down to jump in the ocean. Off comes the shirt. Mmmmm. The pants get unbuckled. He starts sliding them down...

...and cut to Amanda.

"Damn!", I hear from my right (echoing my thought).

I turn my head, glaring at my wife.

"And just WHAT, may I ask, was THAT?"

She grinned sheepishly. "What? I know you think SHE is hot."

"Well yeah I do...but I wouldn't have minded seeing him too."

She suddenly looks disturbed, like I've said something verboten. Not deeply disturbed, but almost...childish? Silly but serious?

This irritated me a bit. "Hello, have we met before? I'm bisexual."

She looked at her hands. "I know", she said, "but I don't like it when you...you know..."

We got caught back up in the movie, and I let it go...but there it is.

The problem is, this is actually my fault. Like everything, I suppose.

You see, early in our relationship and marriage, she caught me looking at gay porn a couple of times. Karen has insecurity issues anyway, and she was very upset about it. Her fear and rage combined were truly something to behold.

My reaction was what fucked it up. I should have sat down with her and been TRULY honest, but I was incapable of even being honest with myself at the time. What I could have and should have done was remind her that, yes, I am bisexual, and fulfilling that side of me while maintaining my fidelity to her was not only to be expected as a man, but was also healthy. Comfort and reassure, but insist that this is a part of who I am and I should not be made to feel guilty about it.

Instead, I reacted with my head bowed in shame, profusely apologizing, both of us crying as she continued to berate and interrogate me.

I now realize that I reacted the way I did because of the deeper truth that I was unwilling or unable to face.

The deeper truth was that, despite my external and internal insistence that I was open and enlightened regarding my sexuality, I was actually still extremely repressed. The truth was I wanted to be with a man, that I was already cheating on her with men in my mind, that I had in fact cheated on her once while engaged.

And she reacted the way she did out of justified insecurity, justified fear, justified hurt...

I fucked it up. As a result, a monster lurks beneath our happy little life. A monster of my own creation, and at this point, she has convinced herself that it doesn't exist.

I fucked it up.

My Little Demon

You think you see demons? I  think you are the demon...

Ok, so was my last post emo enough for you? Boo hoo...

Anyway, it felt good to get that off the ole chest. Time to man back up I suppress...I mean suppose...

I think my dilemma is boiling down to this:

1. I love my wife and enjoy her companionship.

2. I'm definitely bisexual, as opposed to outright gay. However, my general attraction is definitely more towards men.

3. I want to be straight enough to stay with her and be able to form a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship with her.

4. I am not confident, even if I can remain "straight enough" to perform for her, that it will be sexually (and perhaps emotionally?) fulfilling enough for me.

These are my demons. Not all of them of course--just the bigger ones I'm dealing with here in this blog.

Of course, according to how I was raised, what I'm really dealing with is an actual, literal demon that has possessed me as a young child.

You know what really bugs me? On some level I actually wonder if it's true.

"WHAT?!?!"--My rational mind

Yep. There it is, the result of Christian Brainwashing. It's a wonderful legacy, really. I'm so proud.

I'm truly not being hyperbolic or melodramatic, by the way. Here's a quote I heard repeated by my dad many times from the pulpit:

"Brainwash your kids with the Word of God!"

Oh, Dad. I know you meant well, you really did.

He would then go on to explain that he meant that quite literally. "Brainwash those little suckers!" he would say with a grin, to widespread chuckles.

And he actually did succeed for quite some time. But how well prepared do you think we probably were for dealing with the real world?

Exactly.

I'm almost nothing like I was back then, for almost all intents and purposes, and almost all to the positive, if I do say so myself. But it's been a long and hard road at times.

Yet internally, I'm constantly plagued with doubt. And I'm very embarrassed to admit this, but oh well:

What if, somehow, I'm wrong, and I really have allowed a (gay gasp!) gay demon to live inside me?

Ugh. Ok. I really don't believe that for various reasons, the largest being God has had ample opportunity to go all Ghostbusters on my ass for years, especially back when I begged him to do so, ad nauseam.

But there it is, in the back of my mind, gnawing at me.

Like a little demon.

Masks

I'm home sick again today. The doctor confirmed yesterday that my inability to swallow, that stabbing pain in my throat, and my bullfrog-like appearance is indeed strep. Yay. My boss is pissed. Double yay.

Kids are at school. Wife went to a friends.

As soon as she left, I started crying.

I'm finding myself conflicted over this blog. It's causing me to address things that scare the hell out of me. I'm sitting here miserable and conflicted, and she doesn't have a clue. No one does.

I can't believe I'm this good at hiding my true feelings. In a very real way, I'm an actor on a stage, every minute of every day.

My heart feels like it ls breaking. These tears keep falling. Goddammit, I love her. I can't do this. I'm going to break her fucking heart!

At the same time, I know that my eternal cognitive dissonance is slowly killing me.

Why must we wear these masks we wear? Our speech muted, our vision unclear?

I'm extremely depressed and anxious right now. If you believe in prayer, I'd appreciate it.

They cover our faces, they take away our air, all while smiling as if without care.

The Need

A lot of my Bi Married Blogging Brothers™ ;) have been writing lately about honesty. There must be something in the air, for this has also been heavily on my mind.

Among all the thoughts swirling around in my noggin right now, one of the loudest is this: Is it possible for a bi man to remain monogamous and faithful to his wife?

First of all, I'll beat you to the punch and answer myself with "Yes". Of course it's possible, ANYTHING is possible.

Ok. How about probable? Is it probable that a bi married man will remain faithful to his wife?

No. No it is not.

That's not to say it hasn't happened. I'm sure it has, but I've yet to read about it or hear of it firsthand on all the blogs and articles and e-mails I've read. Or, the blog doesn't really make it clear, so I guess on those it's a maybe.

Dear Faithful Bi Married Reader, are you a unicorn? If you're out there, can you please speak up in the comments?

So lets say these guys exist. Ok, but have they remained faithful in their minds? In the biggest sex organ we have--our brain? (Sorry, John Holmes).

That answer, dear reader, is a 100%, money-back guaranteed "no". If your bi/gay and married, then you already know this.

I think it's quite commendable if a bi guy remains physically faithful to his woman. Yet even in that best case scenario, he is still going to be unfaithful in his mind.

I'm not talking about fantasies. Everyone--male or female, gay or straight--has occasional or perhaps even frequent masterbatory fantasies that exclude their significant other.

No, I'm talking about the Need. Even if you never physically act on it, you've done so in your head a million times.

The Need will always pull on you. It will never, ever go away. Ever. You can feed it, or you can starve it---but you don't get rid of it.

How long before even the hardiest of souls give in? Even the best intentioned bi man in the world? We are only men. We are only human.

I thought when I got married that I had found happily ever after. I reasoned that I was in love with Karen and to choose marriage is to choose monogomy no matter what one's sexual orientation is.

I wasn't honest enough with myself. I have cheated on Karen in my mind almost since day 1, and eventually those mental cheats became the real thing. I'm extremely saddened by this, and ashamed of myself, for her sake.

Don't get me wrong. Some guys out there would consider what I've done to be literally next to nothing!  Just a few quick, random hook ups that weren't exactly pre-planned (although to be 100% honest, I was casually cruising in most cases).  Never anything unsafe.

But "next to nothing" and "nothing" are 2 separate things.

I want to do right by her, but I've already fucked that up. She deserves better than that.

We both do.

Fantasy

He's married, like me.

He's my best bud. Sometimes his wife and kids and mine all get together for dinners and games.

He and I insist on "man time" every couple of weeks or so, to get away for a day and chill, just us guys.

We then spend the majority of that day in bed together.

We both love our wives, and don't want to lose them, or hurt them. We remain monogomous with them, and with each other.

We understand each other perfectly. Our need for a man's firm touch is something that runs deep, and must be fulfilled. We would sooner die than betray each other's trust and destroy our families.

Our time together is our own little world of our own creation. We are equals, no matter who is giving, or who is taking. Sometimes these moments are filled with wild, lustful, animalistic abandon; in others, a tenderness that one would not expect between two men.

We often lay naked in each other's arms, savoring each other's bodies, the touch of another man.

We are friends. Our relationship remains just that--a friendship--but with amazing benefits. We can tell each other anything.

We both enjoy making love to our wives, but that has nothing to do with what we receive from each other. It is the very opposite to what making love to a woman provides--hardness instead of softness, rough instead of tender, sameness instead of the opposite.

A masculine touch, to balance the feminine.

A man's touch.

The Ideal Christian Child

I keep thinking about that article.

No definable self. Often too easily influenced by others. Trained to please everyone. Known by many, but not knowable. Forced to play rolls in life.

All quite true, I'm afraid. But the next part is what freaked me out.

"They know the right words to use in marriage; they know how to perform; but they don't know how to deeply love another person."

"Pastor's sons...have not been allowed to exercise a real will of their own. Instead, their wants, needs, desires and dreams have been subjected to the will of others. They are pretty much the ideal Christian child because they are tremendously pleasant to be around, but they later flounder in adult life".

Without going into too much detail...yeah. To a "T", yours truly.

I can honestly say I've overcome much of this, to varying degrees of success. But at the risk of sounding melodramatic, I can just as honestly say that something inside me remains damaged. I remain both rudderless and anchorless at thirty-fucking-six years of fucking age. And that fucking pisses me the fuck off!

As children, my sister and I were near perfect. We were extremely well behaved, so much so that it was a point of pride for our parents. They were always complimented on us.

As adults we have both struggled to find our own voices. I'm the more successful of us in regards to that, and I'm the one who closeted and married!

I also have a pretty sickening need for approval. This is something that has massively improved over the years, largely because nothing I do is good enough for my parents (who's approval I've longed for the most), so I have largely stopped trying in regards to them. They express approval every so often for minor things, but by and large, my liberal, free-thinking ways are anathema.

Now I'm to the point that my feelings on being disapproved of or unliked largely depend on the person. If I think they are an asshole, then fuck them.

If I like them, then I'm troubled very deeply.  But hell, depending on my level of dislike for the assholes, even being disliked by them bothers me a little!

I've been many people's best friend, but I've never felt like I have had a best friend. I'm known by many, but not really knowable. There are some who know most of me, like my wife, but even then it's only the parts I feel I can show.

With all of this said, what really gets to me is the part about not being able to deeply love another person.

As much as I love my wife, I don't know if I'm deeply in love with her. I don't know if I ever have been.

I don't know if I know how.

Anchorless

I read an article last night that blew my fragile little mind. It was about a wide-spread phenomenon occurring with pastor's kids, but in particular, with pastor's sons.

You can go to the link here. (Full disclosure: I have no idea where this ministry stands on LGBT issues.)

Here's some excerpts:

"The pastor’s sons I work with are almost always separated, divorced, or on the verge of divorce. Their wives or ex-wives complain that they just don’t possess the kind of vigor or fire that they want from a husband."

"These men often have no definable self... these men don’t have a self to control in the first place. They are anchorless and are often too easily influenced by others."

"Because they’ve been trained to be pleasant to everyone, they often over-yes and under-no others. Many think that it’s simply wrong to tell others “no.” And when they do, they lose sleep at night. Being human, having boundaries, feels unnatural and sinful to them."

"They are known by many, but not knowable in part because they possess personas, an assumed identity, but not discernable personalities. They feel that they have been forced to play rolls in life, to wear masks (one of the original meanings of “persona”), which is exhausting and depletes them of integrity and healthy self-confidence."

"They know the right words to use in marriage—they know how to perform—but they don’t know how to deeply love another person."

"Pastor’s sons...have not been allowed to exercise a real will of their own. Instead, their wants, needs, desires and dreams have been subjected to the will of others. As a result, they are pretty much the ideal Christian child because they are tremendously pleasant to be around, but they later flounder in adult life"

Holy shit. I've concentrated on my sexuality being the main issue in my marriage, and to be sure it is. And I've always been aware that my upbringing as a PK has riddled me with issues.

But I've never seen it written out this way. It summarizes my past--and sometimes present--self quite well.

Free will? Not when I was growing up. I had to be an example at all times. I was not allowed to express, or HAVE, any negative emotion.

Years ago, I learned to speak up and stand up for myself. To express myself, and express my emotions. This caused my parents some heartache, but I knew even back then that living for someone else isn't really living.

I kinda became the black sheep. We still love each other, but they can't believe I've gone "so far astray". Meanwhile, my sister is the Good Child--and miserable for it.

Being raised as a pastor's kid is supposed to give a very strong foundation...but despite years of progress, I still feel anchorless.

Oh, I've Got Your Real Steel...

I provoked a bit of a conversation with my wife last night. It was short, but telling.

We were watching "Real Steel" on Blueray which stars Hugh Jackman and Evangeline Lilly. Double yummy.

I mentioned that Miss Lilly was hot. She narrowed her eyes at me and gave me a faux-dirty look.

Grinning devilishly, I asked her if it makes her jealous when I make comments like that (which I rarely do).

She said no, because she's a  celebrity and not realistically attainable.

After recovering from her shocking assumption that Evangeline Lilly DOESN'T have the hots for me, I asked if it would bother her if I made the same sort of comment about a guy...like, say, Mr. Jackman.

Her response was no, for the same reason. "I know you better than that", she said. "It's all about obtainability. It would be different if it were people around us."

"It doesn't bother you that it's a guy?"

"No."

Here's the thing. I think she said that because she's a good little liberal. She knows that being LGBT is not a choice, and that getting mad at me for something I can't help would be hypocritical of her.

It bothers her though, I can tell.  My bisexuality has always been a source of concern for her, in large part due to a few incidents that happened early on in our relationship. More on that later...

Anyway, one more thing that I find to be wierd but cool.  It could be a coincidence, but since starting this blog my libido has increased...for my wife! Guys are still hot, but...I'm wanting her. BAD!

Confusing, but I'm just gonna go with it.

You Bettah Step!

In case it's not obvious enough from the name I chose, this blog is going to talk frankly about mostly 2 things:

1. Religion, especially Christianity, and how it relates to...

2. Sex, specifically same-sex attraction among married and/or religious men. Even more specifically, MY attraction to men as a married Christian man.

I realize not everyone is religious, but I have a hunch that many bi or gay married men got married due to coming from a religious background.

I'm very open to comments and even respectful criticism--but keep any judgement to yourself. I've had a lifetime of that and I'm full up.

Oh. I also curse a lot. Never around my kids, or any place or situation where it isn't appropriate. But yeah.

So if you have issues with any of this? Get to steppin'!

Attack of the Scrotato!

I'm starting to realize that my wife has no clue about how attracted to men I am. Or, even closer to the truth I think, she is in complete denial about it.

This actually shocks me, for several reasons.

For one, I'm not the most masculine guy in the world. No, I'm not flaming. I'm not lighting up cigarettes twenty feet away simply by entering the room (maybe 5-10 feet). However...if I were to ever come out as gay, there would be a massive, collective "I KNEW it/I told you so!!" among most anyone who knows or used to know me. It's quite likely I could boost the economy simply because of the bet money that would be paid out. I hear even Vegas is taking odds on this closet fag now!

This would be especially true of anyone who knew me as a child and teen-- I learned years ago to butch it up as much as I could. It's actually something that is second nature to me now.

Also, guys turn my head...or at least my eyes, all the time. I'm constantly checking out men, especially the packages! How has she not noticed?

Our sex life is currently non existent, although it wasn't always this way. It was actually pretty damn good until we accidentally got pregnant with our third. After that, for various reasons, we were both afraid of getting pregnant again, and sex transformed into almost exclusively oral. That was fine for awhile, but my daughter is now five and a half! Too long. I finally got some decent insurance and last year I got a vasectomy. That was in May.

We have had sex twice since then. Both times, we agreed, were horrible.

Now, this hasn't completely been due to lack of desire. I was actually one of the lucky guys who end up with a massive infection! My penis and scrotum were swollen due to the surgery, but my right testicle became HUGE and extremely painful. It took awhile to recover from that, and then just a couple of months ago, I had a relapse. Attack of the Scrotato.

Can I stop right here and heartily recommend that you DON'T ever get a testicular infection? Don't believe the Hollywood glamour, boys. That shit HURTS! The increase in the size of your package is NOT worth it.

So anyway, the scrotato has been an issue too, but she acts like it's pretty much the ONLY issue.

I think that she really knows it's not, but has totally deluded herself...or have I done that to her? I know that I've been fooling myself, so I guess I've been fooling her too.

As far as I can tell, she's clueless, or has buried her fears fairly deep. Either way, I haven't been honest with her, or myself.

Young Love, Strong Love

I met my wife in 1999. I had just moved back to California after living in the midwest for a few years. A mutual friend was throwing me a "Welcome Back To Cali" party. Karen was the one who picked us up to go to the party.

I should pause for a moment and explain that, as is typical for a PK, I used to party my fucking ass off. I experimented with many things, never becoming an addict, but eventually settled into being a pothead/acidhead. I'm not advocating either of those things--I'm just being honest.

So, as it happens, when I met my wife I was frying on 3 hits of Pink Elephant acid. Yeah...it'll be awhile before we tell the kids all the details on how we met.

Anywho, she picked us up, and we had just dropped. We drove to the party, and just as we stepped out of the car, it hit. I was suddenly frying BALLS!

FYI--not all trips are created equal. Some are more body, some more visual, some more cerebral, some a mix of some or all of these.

This one just so happened to be a mind trip...and I was at a fucking WILD party with tons of people I DIDN'T KNOW.

Brilliant, Sean.

This meant that I was pretty much retarded, around a bunch of people I didn't know, except my friend. It made for a really uncomfortable evening for me, with one exception.

Karen.

For some reason, I was totally and completely comfortable around her. And despite the fact that I was tripping my balls off, she was totally comfortable around me. We immediately hit it off.

We quickly bonded and started hanging out a lot. She already had a boyfriend, but I wasn't seen as a threat because our mutual friend had informed her, before we ever met, that I was gay and had moved back to Cali to "chase the boys".

Almost, but not quite true.

I had already decided that when I got back to California I was going to pursue happiness and love, no matter where it lead me, be it with a man or a woman.

I met Karen on my third day back. It really has always felt like our meeting each other was meant to be. We had many talks about my sexuality, and I assured her I was straight enough to be with a woman. Within a month or so, she dumped her boyfriend for me. We started dating exclusively, at which point I informed her that should this get serious, she should know that I think marriage is truly insane. She agreed, but internally continued to plot my eventual demise. I loved her, but she is the one who really pushed the relationship forward.

Three months later, I proposed.

Big Ole Hot Mess

Hello my brothers. I thought when I started this thing that my posts would be more coherent, but I'm starting to realize it's probably gonna end up a big ole hot mess, like it's author. Oh well!

I was gonna post about how I met my wife before really getting into the present...but fuck it. Got shit on the brain.

Karen and I have been married for over 11 years, and together almost 13. Most of that has been happy, except for my increasing attraction to men. Sex is a rarity, although it's not just me. She has issues from previous boyfriends. By and large though, it is me with "the problem".  I WANT to be more turned on by her, but I'm just not, even though she's still attractive to me! I mean, if we start making out and get into foreplay, then yes, I'm hard and I want it. But just looking at her or any woman? Usually nothing. (Although, was just watching Kelly Clarkston's new video and DAMN!) However, guys turn my head CONSTANTLY. Sigh...and I always wonder how much she notices that.

Last night she wanted to cuddle before falling asleep. I actually WANTED sex, but she wasn't having it. Oh well, it was nice anyway. We woke up to the girls crawling into bed with us. Snuggle snuggle. I love them so much.

I'm so afraid of losing this. I love my wife, she's my best friend. I don't want to tear our home apart. These kids are my LIFE.

I feel like a selfish ass. I should have been more honest with myself years ago. Yet, had I not married Karen, I wouldn't have my kids! How the fuck could I wish they didn't exist? And what about Karen, who I DO love?

The problem is I want to make love to a man. I've had very little  sexual experience with men, always a quick random hook up, mostly before I was married. I'm not interested in that anymore.

I want to be with a man.

I want to be with my wife.

What the fuck.