The Talk, Part III

We each sat on our sides of the bed. I stared into my lap as the tears continued to silently fall.

"I need to ask you something" she said quietly, "and you have to be honest with me." I looked up at her.

Her face was resolute, touched with fear and...yes. I saw anger there.

We looked into each others eyes. Truth only, Sean. You owe her that. You owe yourself that.

"What...is your primary sexual preference?"

Fuck me.

I looked away, staring at nothing. Honesty.

I turned my head back to her, and I answered...

"To men."

She shook her head as she turned away from me, turning to sit on the edge of the bed, burying her face in her hands. She started to sob, which continued for a couple of minutes until she suddenly stood up and ran to the bathroom. I could hear her vomiting.

After a few minutes she walked back in and sat back down. She wouldn't look at me. "So now what?"

So now what, indeed.

I did not want to break up my family, but I had to be honest with myself and with her, come what may.

She spoke up again. "What do you want?"

"I don't know". Out came the honest answer, immediately. "I don't know what I want."

She looked at me, sad but firm.

"I'm sorry then...but I can't do this."

*****

The above was how I originally was going to write this part out. (None of the above was fiction, by the way.) Perhaps this is my little stab at some melodramatic romance novelization of a very serious personal situation. Yeah, that sounds like me--gay as shit, and making light of something serious at the same time.  Even so, I wish I could continue to write this out like this, but meh... I'm calling bullshit on myself.  Perhaps if I lived in an alternate universe where I had tons of time and cared more about how I write things than how I live them, but alas, I'm stuck here in this one for now.

I'll just super condense it for now, and spit out more details as I can. The bottom line is this:

We remembered who WE were before the bullshit started. We dug down to why it started. I realized that I had actually always been confused by my level of attraction to Karen, since I was usually into guys. Because of that, I quickly sabotaged what we had in my own mind, which of course lead to reality quickly following. That I had been too afraid to really look at my level of attraction to men vs. women in fear of losing her AND being forced to realize I might be gay and not bi.

In the middle of all that honesty, I almost lost her, and it was like a flash, an epiphany went off in my head, in my heart, in my soul....what was I saying? What was I doing? I thought back to the beginning, before the lies, and doubts and walls and the rest of it. About how I felt that connection with her from the moment we met. How that sexual spark WAS there, and it was great, and it was real, despite my general homo attractions. I thought of all this and realized I wanted HER. Could we make it work sexually again? I didn't know, but wasn't it worth trying for?

Basically, I (and we) faced these things down and we reconnected very, very deeply. Actually, I feel like we've connected for the first time ever.

It wasn't all about me. She had her own insecurities that she had to face. Much of it comes from before she knew me, and my hiding things made it worse. She had to decide if she could trust me, could forgive me, and could trust and forgive herself for her part. She had to KNOW that she  is the one I want in every way, not just because we love each other and have kids. And much more...

With all this said, we are all  adults here. We know that sex is the bottom line in regards to this little story. Love isn't enough if we are both really going to be fulfilled.

Well?

We have had sex for the past three nights in a row. That is actually the first time EVER for us. We even woke up in the middle of the night the night before last for another round!

After the talk, it became absolutely electric. We both are like horndoggy teenagers. We can't get enough of each other! No desperation to get me off...just really great, passionate sex.

And I'm not thinking about guys when I'm with her. I was so afraid that I would be...and that's not to say that guys aren't hot anymore. But when I'm with her, I'm WITH her--for the first time ever.

It's hard not to discount or at least question all of this because I've been fucked up over this shit my whole life. Thinking that I might actually have a handle on who I am is very new, and I'm not sure how to just accept it yet. I DO know that I don't expect my male desires to go away. I am a bisexual man, forever and always. In fact we talked about that. She understands that these things are a part of my sexuality and repressing them only makes it worse. Not that I'm to cheat, but my alone time is my alone time, and she knows that will more than likely include male fantasies. I have permission! And now that I do have that...so far anyway...I'm thinking of her. Still confusing...but...I'm going with it.

Will this be happily ever after? I don't know, but I'm extremely hopeful for the first time in my life that it's possible. It certainly feels right, and not forced.

I can't see the future, but I do know what I can see right here, right now.

And right here, right now, for the first time in my life...it's good.

Fantasy

He's married, like me.

He's my best bud. Sometimes his wife and kids and mine all get together for dinners and games.

He and I insist on "man time" every couple of weeks or so, to get away for a day and chill, just us guys.

We then spend the majority of that day in bed together.

We both love our wives, and don't want to lose them, or hurt them. We remain monogomous with them, and with each other.

We understand each other perfectly. Our need for a man's firm touch is something that runs deep, and must be fulfilled. We would sooner die than betray each other's trust and destroy our families.

Our time together is our own little world of our own creation. We are equals, no matter who is giving, or who is taking. Sometimes these moments are filled with wild, lustful, animalistic abandon; in others, a tenderness that one would not expect between two men.

We often lay naked in each other's arms, savoring each other's bodies, the touch of another man.

We are friends. Our relationship remains just that--a friendship--but with amazing benefits. We can tell each other anything.

We both enjoy making love to our wives, but that has nothing to do with what we receive from each other. It is the very opposite to what making love to a woman provides--hardness instead of softness, rough instead of tender, sameness instead of the opposite.

A masculine touch, to balance the feminine.

A man's touch.

My Bible Problem

Sex. Religion. Sexy religion! Oooh,  I need to start a cult about my dick!

It would probably have a very small following.

When it comes to religion, like sexuality, I'm riddled with issues. I'm on a constant search for the Absolute Truth, and the older I've gotten, the more I'm realizing that one only obtains that on faith.

I don't have a lot of faith, which is somewhat comical since I was raised in a very faith-centric brand of the Christian belief system. However I do have SOME. I definitely believe in God. I believe in Jesus. What I take with a huge grain of salt, however, is the Bible. Which of course is the basis for the whole thing!

It should be pretty obvious why I, or any LGBT Christian, would have this issue with the Bible. This one book is the main reason that those that are out are treated like shit, and why the rest of us are in the closet!

Don't get me wrong. I find much of the Good Book to be beautiful, comforting, enlightening, insert additional positive adjectives here.
But it's hard to take it as something that is literally from God when it tells you that you are inherently evil.

I'm also aware that there are many alternative Biblical interpretations of this issue. But let's face it: to read the Bible at face value as it has been traditionally interpreted is an extremely demoralizing experience for LGBT people.

One has to wonder: if God truly loves us as we are, and He truly is in control...why did He allow for this issue to become so misinterpreted and cause so much heartache for so many people?

Attack of the Scrotato!

I'm starting to realize that my wife has no clue about how attracted to men I am. Or, even closer to the truth I think, she is in complete denial about it.

This actually shocks me, for several reasons.

For one, I'm not the most masculine guy in the world. No, I'm not flaming. I'm not lighting up cigarettes twenty feet away simply by entering the room (maybe 5-10 feet). However...if I were to ever come out as gay, there would be a massive, collective "I KNEW it/I told you so!!" among most anyone who knows or used to know me. It's quite likely I could boost the economy simply because of the bet money that would be paid out. I hear even Vegas is taking odds on this closet fag now!

This would be especially true of anyone who knew me as a child and teen-- I learned years ago to butch it up as much as I could. It's actually something that is second nature to me now.

Also, guys turn my head...or at least my eyes, all the time. I'm constantly checking out men, especially the packages! How has she not noticed?

Our sex life is currently non existent, although it wasn't always this way. It was actually pretty damn good until we accidentally got pregnant with our third. After that, for various reasons, we were both afraid of getting pregnant again, and sex transformed into almost exclusively oral. That was fine for awhile, but my daughter is now five and a half! Too long. I finally got some decent insurance and last year I got a vasectomy. That was in May.

We have had sex twice since then. Both times, we agreed, were horrible.

Now, this hasn't completely been due to lack of desire. I was actually one of the lucky guys who end up with a massive infection! My penis and scrotum were swollen due to the surgery, but my right testicle became HUGE and extremely painful. It took awhile to recover from that, and then just a couple of months ago, I had a relapse. Attack of the Scrotato.

Can I stop right here and heartily recommend that you DON'T ever get a testicular infection? Don't believe the Hollywood glamour, boys. That shit HURTS! The increase in the size of your package is NOT worth it.

So anyway, the scrotato has been an issue too, but she acts like it's pretty much the ONLY issue.

I think that she really knows it's not, but has totally deluded herself...or have I done that to her? I know that I've been fooling myself, so I guess I've been fooling her too.

As far as I can tell, she's clueless, or has buried her fears fairly deep. Either way, I haven't been honest with her, or myself.