Greetings and Salutations...

Well well well...as I live and breath, if it isn't Sean!

Still alive my dear friends, still breathing.

It's now been almost exactly a year since Karen and I broke up. She and Mike are still going strong and very much in love. Their baby is beautiful and healthy. And if I ever truly loved either of them, I have to let them go.

I'm still working on that. I'm much better than I was. I'll possibly go into the details at some point, I don't know. It's painful and still fresh for me and I'm just starting to heal. I don't want to rip the scab off again and again, yanno??

Our kids have adjusted very well, in large part because Karen and I kept a perfect happy front with the kids. We didn't want them to feel anger and animosity between mom and dad. Divorce is hard enough.

In the end, it was the right thing to do. We loved and still love each other...but I'm gay. She deserved more, the passion and connection that I just couldn't always give her.

But it hurts that I couldn't. And it hurts that she moved on so much quicker than I. That part still fucks with me.

Yet I reckon, at the end of the day, I simply got what I deserved. So mote it be.

More to come, hopefully.

The Ideal Christian Child

I keep thinking about that article.

No definable self. Often too easily influenced by others. Trained to please everyone. Known by many, but not knowable. Forced to play rolls in life.

All quite true, I'm afraid. But the next part is what freaked me out.

"They know the right words to use in marriage; they know how to perform; but they don't know how to deeply love another person."

"Pastor's sons...have not been allowed to exercise a real will of their own. Instead, their wants, needs, desires and dreams have been subjected to the will of others. They are pretty much the ideal Christian child because they are tremendously pleasant to be around, but they later flounder in adult life".

Without going into too much detail...yeah. To a "T", yours truly.

I can honestly say I've overcome much of this, to varying degrees of success. But at the risk of sounding melodramatic, I can just as honestly say that something inside me remains damaged. I remain both rudderless and anchorless at thirty-fucking-six years of fucking age. And that fucking pisses me the fuck off!

As children, my sister and I were near perfect. We were extremely well behaved, so much so that it was a point of pride for our parents. They were always complimented on us.

As adults we have both struggled to find our own voices. I'm the more successful of us in regards to that, and I'm the one who closeted and married!

I also have a pretty sickening need for approval. This is something that has massively improved over the years, largely because nothing I do is good enough for my parents (who's approval I've longed for the most), so I have largely stopped trying in regards to them. They express approval every so often for minor things, but by and large, my liberal, free-thinking ways are anathema.

Now I'm to the point that my feelings on being disapproved of or unliked largely depend on the person. If I think they are an asshole, then fuck them.

If I like them, then I'm troubled very deeply.  But hell, depending on my level of dislike for the assholes, even being disliked by them bothers me a little!

I've been many people's best friend, but I've never felt like I have had a best friend. I'm known by many, but not really knowable. There are some who know most of me, like my wife, but even then it's only the parts I feel I can show.

With all of this said, what really gets to me is the part about not being able to deeply love another person.

As much as I love my wife, I don't know if I'm deeply in love with her. I don't know if I ever have been.

I don't know if I know how.

Anchorless

I read an article last night that blew my fragile little mind. It was about a wide-spread phenomenon occurring with pastor's kids, but in particular, with pastor's sons.

You can go to the link here. (Full disclosure: I have no idea where this ministry stands on LGBT issues.)

Here's some excerpts:

"The pastor’s sons I work with are almost always separated, divorced, or on the verge of divorce. Their wives or ex-wives complain that they just don’t possess the kind of vigor or fire that they want from a husband."

"These men often have no definable self... these men don’t have a self to control in the first place. They are anchorless and are often too easily influenced by others."

"Because they’ve been trained to be pleasant to everyone, they often over-yes and under-no others. Many think that it’s simply wrong to tell others “no.” And when they do, they lose sleep at night. Being human, having boundaries, feels unnatural and sinful to them."

"They are known by many, but not knowable in part because they possess personas, an assumed identity, but not discernable personalities. They feel that they have been forced to play rolls in life, to wear masks (one of the original meanings of “persona”), which is exhausting and depletes them of integrity and healthy self-confidence."

"They know the right words to use in marriage—they know how to perform—but they don’t know how to deeply love another person."

"Pastor’s sons...have not been allowed to exercise a real will of their own. Instead, their wants, needs, desires and dreams have been subjected to the will of others. As a result, they are pretty much the ideal Christian child because they are tremendously pleasant to be around, but they later flounder in adult life"

Holy shit. I've concentrated on my sexuality being the main issue in my marriage, and to be sure it is. And I've always been aware that my upbringing as a PK has riddled me with issues.

But I've never seen it written out this way. It summarizes my past--and sometimes present--self quite well.

Free will? Not when I was growing up. I had to be an example at all times. I was not allowed to express, or HAVE, any negative emotion.

Years ago, I learned to speak up and stand up for myself. To express myself, and express my emotions. This caused my parents some heartache, but I knew even back then that living for someone else isn't really living.

I kinda became the black sheep. We still love each other, but they can't believe I've gone "so far astray". Meanwhile, my sister is the Good Child--and miserable for it.

Being raised as a pastor's kid is supposed to give a very strong foundation...but despite years of progress, I still feel anchorless.