Greetings and Salutations...

Well well well...as I live and breath, if it isn't Sean!

Still alive my dear friends, still breathing.

It's now been almost exactly a year since Karen and I broke up. She and Mike are still going strong and very much in love. Their baby is beautiful and healthy. And if I ever truly loved either of them, I have to let them go.

I'm still working on that. I'm much better than I was. I'll possibly go into the details at some point, I don't know. It's painful and still fresh for me and I'm just starting to heal. I don't want to rip the scab off again and again, yanno??

Our kids have adjusted very well, in large part because Karen and I kept a perfect happy front with the kids. We didn't want them to feel anger and animosity between mom and dad. Divorce is hard enough.

In the end, it was the right thing to do. We loved and still love each other...but I'm gay. She deserved more, the passion and connection that I just couldn't always give her.

But it hurts that I couldn't. And it hurts that she moved on so much quicker than I. That part still fucks with me.

Yet I reckon, at the end of the day, I simply got what I deserved. So mote it be.

More to come, hopefully.

Baby, Hold On...

I come from a large musical family. We have many musicians, and just about all of us can sing. (Got a few cousins who can't. They feel left out.)

Anyway, in my family, music is in our hearts and souls. Lyrics too--we also have quite a few poets and songwriters.

Country music is a big part of my roots, but normally I'm a rock kinda guy. Actually, I like all sorts of music...but sometimes, I'm embarrassed to admit, country really does move me. So...I'm an artsy fartsy half fag who likes some hick music. Sue me.

The point is, I love music, and certain songs really speak to me. The song below has been a favorite of mine and Karen's for a long time...but now it takes on a  WHOLE new meaning. Dixie Chicks again...don't know why, but they speak to me.

Gay as shit? Yes. Do I give a fuck? Not anymore.

"Baby Hold On"

Hey, it might never be the same We might never live those days gone by
But we can try

Good morning
Let's kick the babies out of bed How bout you and me instead hanging on
Not up and gone

(Baby, hold on) Let's start this over
(Baby, hold on) We're not much older now
(Baby, hold on) If you still see what I see
Keep holding on
Hold on to me

Baby, it's good to see you smile again
I know we can't escape
So let's pretend
We're someplace else

It's a new day
Let's look at all we've got
It's everything we thought
We ever wanted
It's beautiful

(Baby, hold on)
Let's start this over
(Baby, hold on)
We're not much older now
(Baby, hold on)
If you still see what I see
Keep holding on
Hold on to me

I look across the room and catch you staring at me
And see the love we almost left behind
So lead me by the hand and let's make up
Let's make up for lost time....

Baby hold on...

The Talk, Part II

Hello everyone. It's been a crazy couple of days, to say the least. There is much to say without enough time to say it! I was going to write it all out, but I'm still processing it, and don't really have enough time right now anyway. I want to though, and I will probably do so soon.

I don't know what came over me--other than a lifetime of facing (or not facing) this shit down alone and scared. But starting this blog brought it all to a head, and apparently I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

It was an emotional roller coaster of a night, to be sure. It was the most scared and emotionally naked I have ever felt. I told her the truth about myself as I understand it---completely.

I told her how I'm almost exclusively physically attracted to men, with her being the main and basically only exception. How I didn't really figure that out until now, which meant that I hid behind a half truth, which only served to alienate and scare her. How she has in turn made me to feel ashamed and guilty of that side of me, which only made me hide it more, which only fueled her insecurities, which only made me repress myself further, which only scared her more and raised more suspicions...on and on, repeat for years and years...

I told her how I still, now, have a very deep emotional need for a intimate connection with a man, and have had it since I was a boy. How I have combined that need with my homosexual desires, when in fact they can be two separate things. How, as she already knew, I've never had a male best friend, and (this part was terrifying to say to HER) that at this point I'm afraid that I'll fall in love should he ever come along.

I told her how I stopped wanting her sexually after our connection started to fade, and as my only other preference besides her is for men, that is where I naturally started to look. I even told her that I very nearly tried to find a permanent FWB.

This conversation took many twists and turns, some of them pretty fucking scary. Because I had never spoken any this aloud, and was still figuring it out, I didn't have my usual way with words (I can be a smooth talker--and convincing liar-- if I want). My usual script was gone, and I was...just real. It was only by talking it out with her that we figured it out--together.

How did she take it? Beautifully well, my Karen, considering the magnitude of what was being said. She obviously had many questions that were very frightening for me to answer truthfully...but I did.

To be continued...

Young Love, Strong Love

I met my wife in 1999. I had just moved back to California after living in the midwest for a few years. A mutual friend was throwing me a "Welcome Back To Cali" party. Karen was the one who picked us up to go to the party.

I should pause for a moment and explain that, as is typical for a PK, I used to party my fucking ass off. I experimented with many things, never becoming an addict, but eventually settled into being a pothead/acidhead. I'm not advocating either of those things--I'm just being honest.

So, as it happens, when I met my wife I was frying on 3 hits of Pink Elephant acid. Yeah...it'll be awhile before we tell the kids all the details on how we met.

Anywho, she picked us up, and we had just dropped. We drove to the party, and just as we stepped out of the car, it hit. I was suddenly frying BALLS!

FYI--not all trips are created equal. Some are more body, some more visual, some more cerebral, some a mix of some or all of these.

This one just so happened to be a mind trip...and I was at a fucking WILD party with tons of people I DIDN'T KNOW.

Brilliant, Sean.

This meant that I was pretty much retarded, around a bunch of people I didn't know, except my friend. It made for a really uncomfortable evening for me, with one exception.

Karen.

For some reason, I was totally and completely comfortable around her. And despite the fact that I was tripping my balls off, she was totally comfortable around me. We immediately hit it off.

We quickly bonded and started hanging out a lot. She already had a boyfriend, but I wasn't seen as a threat because our mutual friend had informed her, before we ever met, that I was gay and had moved back to Cali to "chase the boys".

Almost, but not quite true.

I had already decided that when I got back to California I was going to pursue happiness and love, no matter where it lead me, be it with a man or a woman.

I met Karen on my third day back. It really has always felt like our meeting each other was meant to be. We had many talks about my sexuality, and I assured her I was straight enough to be with a woman. Within a month or so, she dumped her boyfriend for me. We started dating exclusively, at which point I informed her that should this get serious, she should know that I think marriage is truly insane. She agreed, but internally continued to plot my eventual demise. I loved her, but she is the one who really pushed the relationship forward.

Three months later, I proposed.