My Little Demon

You think you see demons? I  think you are the demon...

Ok, so was my last post emo enough for you? Boo hoo...

Anyway, it felt good to get that off the ole chest. Time to man back up I suppress...I mean suppose...

I think my dilemma is boiling down to this:

1. I love my wife and enjoy her companionship.

2. I'm definitely bisexual, as opposed to outright gay. However, my general attraction is definitely more towards men.

3. I want to be straight enough to stay with her and be able to form a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship with her.

4. I am not confident, even if I can remain "straight enough" to perform for her, that it will be sexually (and perhaps emotionally?) fulfilling enough for me.

These are my demons. Not all of them of course--just the bigger ones I'm dealing with here in this blog.

Of course, according to how I was raised, what I'm really dealing with is an actual, literal demon that has possessed me as a young child.

You know what really bugs me? On some level I actually wonder if it's true.

"WHAT?!?!"--My rational mind

Yep. There it is, the result of Christian Brainwashing. It's a wonderful legacy, really. I'm so proud.

I'm truly not being hyperbolic or melodramatic, by the way. Here's a quote I heard repeated by my dad many times from the pulpit:

"Brainwash your kids with the Word of God!"

Oh, Dad. I know you meant well, you really did.

He would then go on to explain that he meant that quite literally. "Brainwash those little suckers!" he would say with a grin, to widespread chuckles.

And he actually did succeed for quite some time. But how well prepared do you think we probably were for dealing with the real world?

Exactly.

I'm almost nothing like I was back then, for almost all intents and purposes, and almost all to the positive, if I do say so myself. But it's been a long and hard road at times.

Yet internally, I'm constantly plagued with doubt. And I'm very embarrassed to admit this, but oh well:

What if, somehow, I'm wrong, and I really have allowed a (gay gasp!) gay demon to live inside me?

Ugh. Ok. I really don't believe that for various reasons, the largest being God has had ample opportunity to go all Ghostbusters on my ass for years, especially back when I begged him to do so, ad nauseam.

But there it is, in the back of my mind, gnawing at me.

Like a little demon.

Old Glory

I put my hand on my forehead and started to pray. I began to command these demons to leave me, NOW, in the name of Jesus!

Nothing happened.

Over the years, I tried many variations of this theme. I cried out to God, I prayed, I begged, I pleaded, I sobbed...my heart wanted nothing more than for to God to take it away.

He never did. I never felt the slightest change in my sexuality. In fact, I only grew more attracted to men.

But wait! The Bible is 100% true, every word of it! So what was I doing wrong? As the months passed, I grew depressed, which soon blossomed into thoughts of suicide.

My whole world revolved around God, and God doesn't make mistakes! So what was I? Obviously I was doing something wrong. I was sick, and something inside of me was stained, wicked.

Fuck this. I will CHOOSE to be straight, and that will fix it. Obviously, this is a choice, so I'll choose to never think about men in "that way". There.

That might have worked...but then I discovered a glory hole in our local Kmart men's room.

Fuck.