Old Glory

I put my hand on my forehead and started to pray. I began to command these demons to leave me, NOW, in the name of Jesus!

Nothing happened.

Over the years, I tried many variations of this theme. I cried out to God, I prayed, I begged, I pleaded, I sobbed...my heart wanted nothing more than for to God to take it away.

He never did. I never felt the slightest change in my sexuality. In fact, I only grew more attracted to men.

But wait! The Bible is 100% true, every word of it! So what was I doing wrong? As the months passed, I grew depressed, which soon blossomed into thoughts of suicide.

My whole world revolved around God, and God doesn't make mistakes! So what was I? Obviously I was doing something wrong. I was sick, and something inside of me was stained, wicked.

Fuck this. I will CHOOSE to be straight, and that will fix it. Obviously, this is a choice, so I'll choose to never think about men in "that way". There.

That might have worked...but then I discovered a glory hole in our local Kmart men's room.

Fuck.

Unclean Spirits

I don't really know where to start, so I guess I'll begin with the basics of me.

I was born and mostly raised in the California desert. My dad was the offspring of dust-bowl Okies who moved to Cali during the Depression. My mom is from the south and is the very definition of a conservative southern lady. Together they entered the ministry when I was a toddler, and have been pastors my entire life.

I have been attracted to the same gender pretty much as far back as I can remember...at least 7 or 8 or so. I would occasionally have crushes on girls, but even at that early age, it was male intimacy that I primarily desired.

I was raised in the "non-denominational" charismatic brand of the Christian faith. Speaking in tongues, laying on of hands/faith healing, getting "slain in the spirit", the Bible is the literal Word of God, ect. I was the pastor's son.

Being a pastor's kid, or PK if you will, has many perks. For instance, you get to be at every single service and function, a minimum of several times a week. You are the first to arrive, and the last to leave. All eyes are on you, and you must be an example at all times.

Except when you're sneaking around to smoke, drink and do coke with your Christian friends. Shhh!

Ah, the memories.

I was allowed to go to public school once, in the first grade.  Other than that one year, I went to small Christian schools or was home schooled. I was not allowed to listen to secular (non-Christian) music, or watch such evil cartoons as He-Man or Scooby Doo. I was not allowed to go to unapproved  parties, nor have any non-Christian friends.

I wanted to fucking die.

I was raised in the very womb of conservative thought. The Bible was the final word on everything, and the Bible says that homosexuality is a sin. Well... The beautiful, magical time known as puberty came along and eventually I started to realize that I was checking out guys way more than girls. Um....no. NO! That is wrong, it's sin, it's disgusting in the eyes of a righteous God. So of course, I did what was right,  what was the only obvious rational solution.

I tried to cast demons out of myself.