Saturday, May 26, 2012

Still Kicking

Firstly, thanks to all of you who posted words of concern. I was truly touched, and I'm sorry I haven't updated.

Fuck Wellbutrin. Fuck it right in the ear.

I'm much better now. Dear sweet Mother of Jesus, that was HORRIBLE!!

I haven't felt like that since before I went on Paxil, years ago.

Still smoking, goddammit.

Will write more asap.

Peace and Love.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Rock Bottom

I'm a smoker. I've always b

een ashamed of it and frequently hide it, to the point that many people are shocked when they find out. I've quit numerous times, and for many years I smoked 5 or less cigarettes per day. But...still a smoker.

A few months ago, my doctor put me on Wellbutrin to help me quit.

I think it's making me crazy. Er.

If you have experience with antidepressants, then you know it takes weeks or months to know if and how it's affecting you. Last week, I started to realize...

I'm having wild mood swings. Giggly and happy, then sullen and angry.

Withdrawn from family and friends.

Low libido. It's rare that I even beat off anymore. Porn does next to nothing for me.

Sleepy all the time.

And...thoughts of suicide. I didn't even want to write that, but it's true.

Now, if there is anyone out there that actually still reads this dumb thing, and gives half a shit, DON'T FREAK OUT!! I'm not about to off myself. I adore my children too much to do that to them. Not to mention my wife, who by shear force of will would raise me from the dead for the express purpose of kicking my ass and then dispatching me to the lowest levels of hell. And then there's extended family, friends, etc.

But if I'm being honest, in my current state, those are the people that are stopping me. The only  reasons why.

I did not take the pill this morning. I'm calling my doc today.

Say a prayer, if you believe in such things.