Greetings and Salutations...

Well well well...as I live and breath, if it isn't Sean!

Still alive my dear friends, still breathing.

It's now been almost exactly a year since Karen and I broke up. She and Mike are still going strong and very much in love. Their baby is beautiful and healthy. And if I ever truly loved either of them, I have to let them go.

I'm still working on that. I'm much better than I was. I'll possibly go into the details at some point, I don't know. It's painful and still fresh for me and I'm just starting to heal. I don't want to rip the scab off again and again, yanno??

Our kids have adjusted very well, in large part because Karen and I kept a perfect happy front with the kids. We didn't want them to feel anger and animosity between mom and dad. Divorce is hard enough.

In the end, it was the right thing to do. We loved and still love each other...but I'm gay. She deserved more, the passion and connection that I just couldn't always give her.

But it hurts that I couldn't. And it hurts that she moved on so much quicker than I. That part still fucks with me.

Yet I reckon, at the end of the day, I simply got what I deserved. So mote it be.

More to come, hopefully.

They're Coming To Take Me Away...

Finally...I start therapy. I did actually have 3 sessions earlier this year, but I don't count that. I was still with Karen and was seeking justification for our poly relationship with Mike. Which, by the way, I got. Haha...

This time, it's me, alone. I broke up with the guy I was seeing yesterday. I'm not ready. I'm still hurt from Karen and Mike both and yet still love them both. I recently went through a very suicidal phase and the ONLY reason I didn't do it was because of my children. I've gone through a lot this year, regarding my health, employment, moving several times, divorce, coming out, and more.

It's all pushed me past a point of being able to handle it mentally and emotionally. I'm maintaining, but I'm not well.

The therapist I've picked specializes in depression, anxiety, divorce and LGBTQ issues. EVERYONE who knows me well has breathed a collective sigh of relief that I've finally taken this step.

So have I.

One More Thing...

I've kinda just realized that my blog name isn't fitting anymore...LOL. I'm out and proud as a gay man, and I am still indeed a pastor's son...hmmmmm. Gotta give this some thought.

Let my lusts be my ruin...

LMAO. What a difference another year can make.

Things went so far into left field that it's something that still blows my mind. But things are good...great even, on the whole. It could be much, much worse.

So what has happened? Oh not much, except that Karen and I are no longer together. We remain good friends and co-parents, but she is now with...Mike. Swear!! And is in fact getting close to having their unplanned baby together, which was conceived while Mike and I were both with her...

Oh yeah, it got nutty.

So I now live in an alternate universe where my wife and I are separated and she is having a child with the man I fell for...oh yeah, I ended up falling in love with Mike too. He couldn't reciprocate, but he could with Karen. I'll tell you guys all about how that scenario ended up happening. Frankly I still have to go back and see where I left off, it's been so long!

I've recently met someone and am currently very twitterpated over this...guy. I have come out as gay to everyone, family, kids and all. I'll tell all about that too, later.

Am I technically bi? I suppose. But for all intents and purposes...I'm gay.

Anyway, here I am again, but this time, in an alternate universe that is surprisingly good, although not with a significant amount of heartache on my part.

Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it.

Still Alive

Still happy with the wife. That is all.

Still Kicking

Firstly, thanks to all of you who posted words of concern. I was truly touched, and I'm sorry I haven't updated.

Fuck Wellbutrin. Fuck it right in the ear.

I'm much better now. Dear sweet Mother of Jesus, that was HORRIBLE!!

I haven't felt like that since before I went on Paxil, years ago.

Still smoking, goddammit.

Will write more asap.

Peace and Love.

Rock Bottom

I'm a smoker. I've always b

een ashamed of it and frequently hide it, to the point that many people are shocked when they find out. I've quit numerous times, and for many years I smoked 5 or less cigarettes per day. But...still a smoker.

A few months ago, my doctor put me on Wellbutrin to help me quit.

I think it's making me crazy. Er.

If you have experience with antidepressants, then you know it takes weeks or months to know if and how it's affecting you. Last week, I started to realize...

I'm having wild mood swings. Giggly and happy, then sullen and angry.

Withdrawn from family and friends.

Low libido. It's rare that I even beat off anymore. Porn does next to nothing for me.

Sleepy all the time.

And...thoughts of suicide. I didn't even want to write that, but it's true.

Now, if there is anyone out there that actually still reads this dumb thing, and gives half a shit, DON'T FREAK OUT!! I'm not about to off myself. I adore my children too much to do that to them. Not to mention my wife, who by shear force of will would raise me from the dead for the express purpose of kicking my ass and then dispatching me to the lowest levels of hell. And then there's extended family, friends, etc.

But if I'm being honest, in my current state, those are the people that are stopping me. The only  reasons why.

I did not take the pill this morning. I'm calling my doc today.

Say a prayer, if you believe in such things.