'Ello, Love!

Yellow, everyone! Haven't had much to write about for awhile, but I suppose some updates are in order.

Things with Karen continue to be great! Our sex life keeps getting better and better. I don't know wtf happened, but now, I can't get enough. She has actually complained about me wearing her out and needing a break!

I still find it odd, to desire and enjoy straight sex so much. Whatever! It's been really fulfilling for us both. And fun.

All that being said, I'm still very bi, even though the old 80/20 percentage doesn't feel like it applies most days. And the strangest development happened with my best buddy at work...

In Hiding?

Been thinking about sexuality a lot lately...well, more than usual. It's so strange, the masks so many wear, to hide their true faces. You could say I'm still wearing one. Yet, if bisexuality truly exists, wouldn't I simply be donning a different mask if I were to be with a man?

Maybe. But really, societal norms being what they are, and if I'm being truly honest with myself, the basic fact is, as a rule, I am more attracted to men than I am to women--therefore, even though I'm hot for my wife, it is really the mask of straightness that I chose to wear all those years ago.

Am I still hiding?

I don't feel like I am. In fact I feel more open and bare to my soul with those who are closest to me--and with myself-- than I ever have.

Yet, old doubts remain. I guess this shit doesn't happen overnight. I'm still not looking to cheat on my wife--yay! But I worry about it happening again. So far I feel fulfilled with her and if I want to be with a guy, I jack off to that fantasy and I feel fulfilled there too.  

Will this always be enough? I sure hope so--I'm not a good cheater.  Too much internal anguish and guilt. So, I can honestly say that it is for now...I just hope it lasts and I don't go fucking shit up again.

Everybody Knows

Tell me now if you came sneaking up behind
Would you know me and see behind the smile
I can change like colors on a wall
Hoping no one else will find what lies beneath it all
I think I hide it all so well

Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won't forget my name
That's the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows

Looking through the crowd
I search for something else
But every time I turn around
I run into myself
Here I stand
Consumed with my surroundings
Just another day
Of everybody looking
I swore they'd never see me cry
You'll never see me cry

Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won't forget my name
That's the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows

You say I'll pay the price
That's the chance that I'll take
Though you may think I'm telling lies...
But I just call it getting by

Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won't forget my name
That's the way we play this game of life

Everybody knows...

I'm just barely getting by...

Updates

Hey everyone. Haven't written lately obviously. Lots of good things thus far going on!

You know, if I were sitting out there on the internet, reading what I have wrote so far, you know what I would honestly think?

"Bullshit. Climb back out of the closet you just stepped back into, SEAN!!"

Frankly, I can't believe it myself. For the first few days after The Talk, I was in complete shock. I couldn't believe things had worked out so well. I mean, reading what I wrote, it's easy to see how fucked in the head I was, how afraid of being gay I was, how afraid I was to break up my family, how afraid I was to really face the truth, whatever it would turn out to be.

Afraid, afraid, afraid. Fear, fear, fear.

Aren't we all tired of living in fear? Of ourselves?

Nope, no more of that for me. I'm full up, thanks.

So what happened?

Turns out, I'm NOT gay. And no, I'm not straight either. I'm definitely bi.

What I mean is, you know what I realized? That I'm...BISEXUAL. You know what that means? I like dudes. They're hot. But guess what else that means?

I also like women. They are also hot. Giggity!

What I'm saying is this. I spent my life mind-fucking myself over being attracted to men. Yet I've always been sexually attracted to women as well, even if it was less than to men. I think, because of my upbringing, I focused so much worrying about the homo side of things that I almost KILLED my hetero side.

All things considered, I admit that killing an approximation of 20% heteroness isn't exactly difficult. And yeah, if I had been raised differently, I would have went gay, almost for sure.

But I was raised the way I was raised. And despite the twists and turns and heartache that have led me here...I'm here. With her.

I'm honestly thankful for that.

I'm seeing things so much clearer now. I know the journey is still long, and for guys like me, always difficult. I know, BELIEVE me.

But I believe in what we have. My heart is hers, my mind is hers. I'm no longer tempted to stray.

Will that always be the case? I doubt it. I'm only human...but things are different now. I believe in myself, and in what I have with her.

Things with her are really, REALLY good. Why would I throw that away? Why would I throw US away?

Thank you God, for the good things.

And to hell with the rest!

Baby, Hold On...

I come from a large musical family. We have many musicians, and just about all of us can sing. (Got a few cousins who can't. They feel left out.)

Anyway, in my family, music is in our hearts and souls. Lyrics too--we also have quite a few poets and songwriters.

Country music is a big part of my roots, but normally I'm a rock kinda guy. Actually, I like all sorts of music...but sometimes, I'm embarrassed to admit, country really does move me. So...I'm an artsy fartsy half fag who likes some hick music. Sue me.

The point is, I love music, and certain songs really speak to me. The song below has been a favorite of mine and Karen's for a long time...but now it takes on a  WHOLE new meaning. Dixie Chicks again...don't know why, but they speak to me.

Gay as shit? Yes. Do I give a fuck? Not anymore.

"Baby Hold On"

Hey, it might never be the same We might never live those days gone by
But we can try

Good morning
Let's kick the babies out of bed How bout you and me instead hanging on
Not up and gone

(Baby, hold on) Let's start this over
(Baby, hold on) We're not much older now
(Baby, hold on) If you still see what I see
Keep holding on
Hold on to me

Baby, it's good to see you smile again
I know we can't escape
So let's pretend
We're someplace else

It's a new day
Let's look at all we've got
It's everything we thought
We ever wanted
It's beautiful

(Baby, hold on)
Let's start this over
(Baby, hold on)
We're not much older now
(Baby, hold on)
If you still see what I see
Keep holding on
Hold on to me

I look across the room and catch you staring at me
And see the love we almost left behind
So lead me by the hand and let's make up
Let's make up for lost time....

Baby hold on...

The Talk, Part III

We each sat on our sides of the bed. I stared into my lap as the tears continued to silently fall.

"I need to ask you something" she said quietly, "and you have to be honest with me." I looked up at her.

Her face was resolute, touched with fear and...yes. I saw anger there.

We looked into each others eyes. Truth only, Sean. You owe her that. You owe yourself that.

"What...is your primary sexual preference?"

Fuck me.

I looked away, staring at nothing. Honesty.

I turned my head back to her, and I answered...

"To men."

She shook her head as she turned away from me, turning to sit on the edge of the bed, burying her face in her hands. She started to sob, which continued for a couple of minutes until she suddenly stood up and ran to the bathroom. I could hear her vomiting.

After a few minutes she walked back in and sat back down. She wouldn't look at me. "So now what?"

So now what, indeed.

I did not want to break up my family, but I had to be honest with myself and with her, come what may.

She spoke up again. "What do you want?"

"I don't know". Out came the honest answer, immediately. "I don't know what I want."

She looked at me, sad but firm.

"I'm sorry then...but I can't do this."

*****

The above was how I originally was going to write this part out. (None of the above was fiction, by the way.) Perhaps this is my little stab at some melodramatic romance novelization of a very serious personal situation. Yeah, that sounds like me--gay as shit, and making light of something serious at the same time.  Even so, I wish I could continue to write this out like this, but meh... I'm calling bullshit on myself.  Perhaps if I lived in an alternate universe where I had tons of time and cared more about how I write things than how I live them, but alas, I'm stuck here in this one for now.

I'll just super condense it for now, and spit out more details as I can. The bottom line is this:

We remembered who WE were before the bullshit started. We dug down to why it started. I realized that I had actually always been confused by my level of attraction to Karen, since I was usually into guys. Because of that, I quickly sabotaged what we had in my own mind, which of course lead to reality quickly following. That I had been too afraid to really look at my level of attraction to men vs. women in fear of losing her AND being forced to realize I might be gay and not bi.

In the middle of all that honesty, I almost lost her, and it was like a flash, an epiphany went off in my head, in my heart, in my soul....what was I saying? What was I doing? I thought back to the beginning, before the lies, and doubts and walls and the rest of it. About how I felt that connection with her from the moment we met. How that sexual spark WAS there, and it was great, and it was real, despite my general homo attractions. I thought of all this and realized I wanted HER. Could we make it work sexually again? I didn't know, but wasn't it worth trying for?

Basically, I (and we) faced these things down and we reconnected very, very deeply. Actually, I feel like we've connected for the first time ever.

It wasn't all about me. She had her own insecurities that she had to face. Much of it comes from before she knew me, and my hiding things made it worse. She had to decide if she could trust me, could forgive me, and could trust and forgive herself for her part. She had to KNOW that she  is the one I want in every way, not just because we love each other and have kids. And much more...

With all this said, we are all  adults here. We know that sex is the bottom line in regards to this little story. Love isn't enough if we are both really going to be fulfilled.

Well?

We have had sex for the past three nights in a row. That is actually the first time EVER for us. We even woke up in the middle of the night the night before last for another round!

After the talk, it became absolutely electric. We both are like horndoggy teenagers. We can't get enough of each other! No desperation to get me off...just really great, passionate sex.

And I'm not thinking about guys when I'm with her. I was so afraid that I would be...and that's not to say that guys aren't hot anymore. But when I'm with her, I'm WITH her--for the first time ever.

It's hard not to discount or at least question all of this because I've been fucked up over this shit my whole life. Thinking that I might actually have a handle on who I am is very new, and I'm not sure how to just accept it yet. I DO know that I don't expect my male desires to go away. I am a bisexual man, forever and always. In fact we talked about that. She understands that these things are a part of my sexuality and repressing them only makes it worse. Not that I'm to cheat, but my alone time is my alone time, and she knows that will more than likely include male fantasies. I have permission! And now that I do have that...so far anyway...I'm thinking of her. Still confusing...but...I'm going with it.

Will this be happily ever after? I don't know, but I'm extremely hopeful for the first time in my life that it's possible. It certainly feels right, and not forced.

I can't see the future, but I do know what I can see right here, right now.

And right here, right now, for the first time in my life...it's good.

The Talk, Part II

Hello everyone. It's been a crazy couple of days, to say the least. There is much to say without enough time to say it! I was going to write it all out, but I'm still processing it, and don't really have enough time right now anyway. I want to though, and I will probably do so soon.

I don't know what came over me--other than a lifetime of facing (or not facing) this shit down alone and scared. But starting this blog brought it all to a head, and apparently I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

It was an emotional roller coaster of a night, to be sure. It was the most scared and emotionally naked I have ever felt. I told her the truth about myself as I understand it---completely.

I told her how I'm almost exclusively physically attracted to men, with her being the main and basically only exception. How I didn't really figure that out until now, which meant that I hid behind a half truth, which only served to alienate and scare her. How she has in turn made me to feel ashamed and guilty of that side of me, which only made me hide it more, which only fueled her insecurities, which only made me repress myself further, which only scared her more and raised more suspicions...on and on, repeat for years and years...

I told her how I still, now, have a very deep emotional need for a intimate connection with a man, and have had it since I was a boy. How I have combined that need with my homosexual desires, when in fact they can be two separate things. How, as she already knew, I've never had a male best friend, and (this part was terrifying to say to HER) that at this point I'm afraid that I'll fall in love should he ever come along.

I told her how I stopped wanting her sexually after our connection started to fade, and as my only other preference besides her is for men, that is where I naturally started to look. I even told her that I very nearly tried to find a permanent FWB.

This conversation took many twists and turns, some of them pretty fucking scary. Because I had never spoken any this aloud, and was still figuring it out, I didn't have my usual way with words (I can be a smooth talker--and convincing liar-- if I want). My usual script was gone, and I was...just real. It was only by talking it out with her that we figured it out--together.

How did she take it? Beautifully well, my Karen, considering the magnitude of what was being said. She obviously had many questions that were very frightening for me to answer truthfully...but I did.

To be continued...