My Little Demon

You think you see demons? I  think you are the demon...

Ok, so was my last post emo enough for you? Boo hoo...

Anyway, it felt good to get that off the ole chest. Time to man back up I suppress...I mean suppose...

I think my dilemma is boiling down to this:

1. I love my wife and enjoy her companionship.

2. I'm definitely bisexual, as opposed to outright gay. However, my general attraction is definitely more towards men.

3. I want to be straight enough to stay with her and be able to form a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship with her.

4. I am not confident, even if I can remain "straight enough" to perform for her, that it will be sexually (and perhaps emotionally?) fulfilling enough for me.

These are my demons. Not all of them of course--just the bigger ones I'm dealing with here in this blog.

Of course, according to how I was raised, what I'm really dealing with is an actual, literal demon that has possessed me as a young child.

You know what really bugs me? On some level I actually wonder if it's true.

"WHAT?!?!"--My rational mind

Yep. There it is, the result of Christian Brainwashing. It's a wonderful legacy, really. I'm so proud.

I'm truly not being hyperbolic or melodramatic, by the way. Here's a quote I heard repeated by my dad many times from the pulpit:

"Brainwash your kids with the Word of God!"

Oh, Dad. I know you meant well, you really did.

He would then go on to explain that he meant that quite literally. "Brainwash those little suckers!" he would say with a grin, to widespread chuckles.

And he actually did succeed for quite some time. But how well prepared do you think we probably were for dealing with the real world?

Exactly.

I'm almost nothing like I was back then, for almost all intents and purposes, and almost all to the positive, if I do say so myself. But it's been a long and hard road at times.

Yet internally, I'm constantly plagued with doubt. And I'm very embarrassed to admit this, but oh well:

What if, somehow, I'm wrong, and I really have allowed a (gay gasp!) gay demon to live inside me?

Ugh. Ok. I really don't believe that for various reasons, the largest being God has had ample opportunity to go all Ghostbusters on my ass for years, especially back when I begged him to do so, ad nauseam.

But there it is, in the back of my mind, gnawing at me.

Like a little demon.

Masks

I'm home sick again today. The doctor confirmed yesterday that my inability to swallow, that stabbing pain in my throat, and my bullfrog-like appearance is indeed strep. Yay. My boss is pissed. Double yay.

Kids are at school. Wife went to a friends.

As soon as she left, I started crying.

I'm finding myself conflicted over this blog. It's causing me to address things that scare the hell out of me. I'm sitting here miserable and conflicted, and she doesn't have a clue. No one does.

I can't believe I'm this good at hiding my true feelings. In a very real way, I'm an actor on a stage, every minute of every day.

My heart feels like it ls breaking. These tears keep falling. Goddammit, I love her. I can't do this. I'm going to break her fucking heart!

At the same time, I know that my eternal cognitive dissonance is slowly killing me.

Why must we wear these masks we wear? Our speech muted, our vision unclear?

I'm extremely depressed and anxious right now. If you believe in prayer, I'd appreciate it.

They cover our faces, they take away our air, all while smiling as if without care.

The Need

A lot of my Bi Married Blogging Brothers™ ;) have been writing lately about honesty. There must be something in the air, for this has also been heavily on my mind.

Among all the thoughts swirling around in my noggin right now, one of the loudest is this: Is it possible for a bi man to remain monogamous and faithful to his wife?

First of all, I'll beat you to the punch and answer myself with "Yes". Of course it's possible, ANYTHING is possible.

Ok. How about probable? Is it probable that a bi married man will remain faithful to his wife?

No. No it is not.

That's not to say it hasn't happened. I'm sure it has, but I've yet to read about it or hear of it firsthand on all the blogs and articles and e-mails I've read. Or, the blog doesn't really make it clear, so I guess on those it's a maybe.

Dear Faithful Bi Married Reader, are you a unicorn? If you're out there, can you please speak up in the comments?

So lets say these guys exist. Ok, but have they remained faithful in their minds? In the biggest sex organ we have--our brain? (Sorry, John Holmes).

That answer, dear reader, is a 100%, money-back guaranteed "no". If your bi/gay and married, then you already know this.

I think it's quite commendable if a bi guy remains physically faithful to his woman. Yet even in that best case scenario, he is still going to be unfaithful in his mind.

I'm not talking about fantasies. Everyone--male or female, gay or straight--has occasional or perhaps even frequent masterbatory fantasies that exclude their significant other.

No, I'm talking about the Need. Even if you never physically act on it, you've done so in your head a million times.

The Need will always pull on you. It will never, ever go away. Ever. You can feed it, or you can starve it---but you don't get rid of it.

How long before even the hardiest of souls give in? Even the best intentioned bi man in the world? We are only men. We are only human.

I thought when I got married that I had found happily ever after. I reasoned that I was in love with Karen and to choose marriage is to choose monogomy no matter what one's sexual orientation is.

I wasn't honest enough with myself. I have cheated on Karen in my mind almost since day 1, and eventually those mental cheats became the real thing. I'm extremely saddened by this, and ashamed of myself, for her sake.

Don't get me wrong. Some guys out there would consider what I've done to be literally next to nothing!  Just a few quick, random hook ups that weren't exactly pre-planned (although to be 100% honest, I was casually cruising in most cases).  Never anything unsafe.

But "next to nothing" and "nothing" are 2 separate things.

I want to do right by her, but I've already fucked that up. She deserves better than that.

We both do.

Fantasy

He's married, like me.

He's my best bud. Sometimes his wife and kids and mine all get together for dinners and games.

He and I insist on "man time" every couple of weeks or so, to get away for a day and chill, just us guys.

We then spend the majority of that day in bed together.

We both love our wives, and don't want to lose them, or hurt them. We remain monogomous with them, and with each other.

We understand each other perfectly. Our need for a man's firm touch is something that runs deep, and must be fulfilled. We would sooner die than betray each other's trust and destroy our families.

Our time together is our own little world of our own creation. We are equals, no matter who is giving, or who is taking. Sometimes these moments are filled with wild, lustful, animalistic abandon; in others, a tenderness that one would not expect between two men.

We often lay naked in each other's arms, savoring each other's bodies, the touch of another man.

We are friends. Our relationship remains just that--a friendship--but with amazing benefits. We can tell each other anything.

We both enjoy making love to our wives, but that has nothing to do with what we receive from each other. It is the very opposite to what making love to a woman provides--hardness instead of softness, rough instead of tender, sameness instead of the opposite.

A masculine touch, to balance the feminine.

A man's touch.

The Ideal Christian Child

I keep thinking about that article.

No definable self. Often too easily influenced by others. Trained to please everyone. Known by many, but not knowable. Forced to play rolls in life.

All quite true, I'm afraid. But the next part is what freaked me out.

"They know the right words to use in marriage; they know how to perform; but they don't know how to deeply love another person."

"Pastor's sons...have not been allowed to exercise a real will of their own. Instead, their wants, needs, desires and dreams have been subjected to the will of others. They are pretty much the ideal Christian child because they are tremendously pleasant to be around, but they later flounder in adult life".

Without going into too much detail...yeah. To a "T", yours truly.

I can honestly say I've overcome much of this, to varying degrees of success. But at the risk of sounding melodramatic, I can just as honestly say that something inside me remains damaged. I remain both rudderless and anchorless at thirty-fucking-six years of fucking age. And that fucking pisses me the fuck off!

As children, my sister and I were near perfect. We were extremely well behaved, so much so that it was a point of pride for our parents. They were always complimented on us.

As adults we have both struggled to find our own voices. I'm the more successful of us in regards to that, and I'm the one who closeted and married!

I also have a pretty sickening need for approval. This is something that has massively improved over the years, largely because nothing I do is good enough for my parents (who's approval I've longed for the most), so I have largely stopped trying in regards to them. They express approval every so often for minor things, but by and large, my liberal, free-thinking ways are anathema.

Now I'm to the point that my feelings on being disapproved of or unliked largely depend on the person. If I think they are an asshole, then fuck them.

If I like them, then I'm troubled very deeply.  But hell, depending on my level of dislike for the assholes, even being disliked by them bothers me a little!

I've been many people's best friend, but I've never felt like I have had a best friend. I'm known by many, but not really knowable. There are some who know most of me, like my wife, but even then it's only the parts I feel I can show.

With all of this said, what really gets to me is the part about not being able to deeply love another person.

As much as I love my wife, I don't know if I'm deeply in love with her. I don't know if I ever have been.

I don't know if I know how.

Anchorless

I read an article last night that blew my fragile little mind. It was about a wide-spread phenomenon occurring with pastor's kids, but in particular, with pastor's sons.

You can go to the link here. (Full disclosure: I have no idea where this ministry stands on LGBT issues.)

Here's some excerpts:

"The pastor’s sons I work with are almost always separated, divorced, or on the verge of divorce. Their wives or ex-wives complain that they just don’t possess the kind of vigor or fire that they want from a husband."

"These men often have no definable self... these men don’t have a self to control in the first place. They are anchorless and are often too easily influenced by others."

"Because they’ve been trained to be pleasant to everyone, they often over-yes and under-no others. Many think that it’s simply wrong to tell others “no.” And when they do, they lose sleep at night. Being human, having boundaries, feels unnatural and sinful to them."

"They are known by many, but not knowable in part because they possess personas, an assumed identity, but not discernable personalities. They feel that they have been forced to play rolls in life, to wear masks (one of the original meanings of “persona”), which is exhausting and depletes them of integrity and healthy self-confidence."

"They know the right words to use in marriage—they know how to perform—but they don’t know how to deeply love another person."

"Pastor’s sons...have not been allowed to exercise a real will of their own. Instead, their wants, needs, desires and dreams have been subjected to the will of others. As a result, they are pretty much the ideal Christian child because they are tremendously pleasant to be around, but they later flounder in adult life"

Holy shit. I've concentrated on my sexuality being the main issue in my marriage, and to be sure it is. And I've always been aware that my upbringing as a PK has riddled me with issues.

But I've never seen it written out this way. It summarizes my past--and sometimes present--self quite well.

Free will? Not when I was growing up. I had to be an example at all times. I was not allowed to express, or HAVE, any negative emotion.

Years ago, I learned to speak up and stand up for myself. To express myself, and express my emotions. This caused my parents some heartache, but I knew even back then that living for someone else isn't really living.

I kinda became the black sheep. We still love each other, but they can't believe I've gone "so far astray". Meanwhile, my sister is the Good Child--and miserable for it.

Being raised as a pastor's kid is supposed to give a very strong foundation...but despite years of progress, I still feel anchorless.

Oh, I've Got Your Real Steel...

I provoked a bit of a conversation with my wife last night. It was short, but telling.

We were watching "Real Steel" on Blueray which stars Hugh Jackman and Evangeline Lilly. Double yummy.

I mentioned that Miss Lilly was hot. She narrowed her eyes at me and gave me a faux-dirty look.

Grinning devilishly, I asked her if it makes her jealous when I make comments like that (which I rarely do).

She said no, because she's a  celebrity and not realistically attainable.

After recovering from her shocking assumption that Evangeline Lilly DOESN'T have the hots for me, I asked if it would bother her if I made the same sort of comment about a guy...like, say, Mr. Jackman.

Her response was no, for the same reason. "I know you better than that", she said. "It's all about obtainability. It would be different if it were people around us."

"It doesn't bother you that it's a guy?"

"No."

Here's the thing. I think she said that because she's a good little liberal. She knows that being LGBT is not a choice, and that getting mad at me for something I can't help would be hypocritical of her.

It bothers her though, I can tell.  My bisexuality has always been a source of concern for her, in large part due to a few incidents that happened early on in our relationship. More on that later...

Anyway, one more thing that I find to be wierd but cool.  It could be a coincidence, but since starting this blog my libido has increased...for my wife! Guys are still hot, but...I'm wanting her. BAD!

Confusing, but I'm just gonna go with it.