My Little Demon

You think you see demons? I  think you are the demon...

Ok, so was my last post emo enough for you? Boo hoo...

Anyway, it felt good to get that off the ole chest. Time to man back up I suppress...I mean suppose...

I think my dilemma is boiling down to this:

1. I love my wife and enjoy her companionship.

2. I'm definitely bisexual, as opposed to outright gay. However, my general attraction is definitely more towards men.

3. I want to be straight enough to stay with her and be able to form a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship with her.

4. I am not confident, even if I can remain "straight enough" to perform for her, that it will be sexually (and perhaps emotionally?) fulfilling enough for me.

These are my demons. Not all of them of course--just the bigger ones I'm dealing with here in this blog.

Of course, according to how I was raised, what I'm really dealing with is an actual, literal demon that has possessed me as a young child.

You know what really bugs me? On some level I actually wonder if it's true.

"WHAT?!?!"--My rational mind

Yep. There it is, the result of Christian Brainwashing. It's a wonderful legacy, really. I'm so proud.

I'm truly not being hyperbolic or melodramatic, by the way. Here's a quote I heard repeated by my dad many times from the pulpit:

"Brainwash your kids with the Word of God!"

Oh, Dad. I know you meant well, you really did.

He would then go on to explain that he meant that quite literally. "Brainwash those little suckers!" he would say with a grin, to widespread chuckles.

And he actually did succeed for quite some time. But how well prepared do you think we probably were for dealing with the real world?

Exactly.

I'm almost nothing like I was back then, for almost all intents and purposes, and almost all to the positive, if I do say so myself. But it's been a long and hard road at times.

Yet internally, I'm constantly plagued with doubt. And I'm very embarrassed to admit this, but oh well:

What if, somehow, I'm wrong, and I really have allowed a (gay gasp!) gay demon to live inside me?

Ugh. Ok. I really don't believe that for various reasons, the largest being God has had ample opportunity to go all Ghostbusters on my ass for years, especially back when I begged him to do so, ad nauseam.

But there it is, in the back of my mind, gnawing at me.

Like a little demon.

Masks

I'm home sick again today. The doctor confirmed yesterday that my inability to swallow, that stabbing pain in my throat, and my bullfrog-like appearance is indeed strep. Yay. My boss is pissed. Double yay.

Kids are at school. Wife went to a friends.

As soon as she left, I started crying.

I'm finding myself conflicted over this blog. It's causing me to address things that scare the hell out of me. I'm sitting here miserable and conflicted, and she doesn't have a clue. No one does.

I can't believe I'm this good at hiding my true feelings. In a very real way, I'm an actor on a stage, every minute of every day.

My heart feels like it ls breaking. These tears keep falling. Goddammit, I love her. I can't do this. I'm going to break her fucking heart!

At the same time, I know that my eternal cognitive dissonance is slowly killing me.

Why must we wear these masks we wear? Our speech muted, our vision unclear?

I'm extremely depressed and anxious right now. If you believe in prayer, I'd appreciate it.

They cover our faces, they take away our air, all while smiling as if without care.

The Need

A lot of my Bi Married Blogging Brothers™ ;) have been writing lately about honesty. There must be something in the air, for this has also been heavily on my mind.

Among all the thoughts swirling around in my noggin right now, one of the loudest is this: Is it possible for a bi man to remain monogamous and faithful to his wife?

First of all, I'll beat you to the punch and answer myself with "Yes". Of course it's possible, ANYTHING is possible.

Ok. How about probable? Is it probable that a bi married man will remain faithful to his wife?

No. No it is not.

That's not to say it hasn't happened. I'm sure it has, but I've yet to read about it or hear of it firsthand on all the blogs and articles and e-mails I've read. Or, the blog doesn't really make it clear, so I guess on those it's a maybe.

Dear Faithful Bi Married Reader, are you a unicorn? If you're out there, can you please speak up in the comments?

So lets say these guys exist. Ok, but have they remained faithful in their minds? In the biggest sex organ we have--our brain? (Sorry, John Holmes).

That answer, dear reader, is a 100%, money-back guaranteed "no". If your bi/gay and married, then you already know this.

I think it's quite commendable if a bi guy remains physically faithful to his woman. Yet even in that best case scenario, he is still going to be unfaithful in his mind.

I'm not talking about fantasies. Everyone--male or female, gay or straight--has occasional or perhaps even frequent masterbatory fantasies that exclude their significant other.

No, I'm talking about the Need. Even if you never physically act on it, you've done so in your head a million times.

The Need will always pull on you. It will never, ever go away. Ever. You can feed it, or you can starve it---but you don't get rid of it.

How long before even the hardiest of souls give in? Even the best intentioned bi man in the world? We are only men. We are only human.

I thought when I got married that I had found happily ever after. I reasoned that I was in love with Karen and to choose marriage is to choose monogomy no matter what one's sexual orientation is.

I wasn't honest enough with myself. I have cheated on Karen in my mind almost since day 1, and eventually those mental cheats became the real thing. I'm extremely saddened by this, and ashamed of myself, for her sake.

Don't get me wrong. Some guys out there would consider what I've done to be literally next to nothing!  Just a few quick, random hook ups that weren't exactly pre-planned (although to be 100% honest, I was casually cruising in most cases).  Never anything unsafe.

But "next to nothing" and "nothing" are 2 separate things.

I want to do right by her, but I've already fucked that up. She deserves better than that.

We both do.

Fantasy

He's married, like me.

He's my best bud. Sometimes his wife and kids and mine all get together for dinners and games.

He and I insist on "man time" every couple of weeks or so, to get away for a day and chill, just us guys.

We then spend the majority of that day in bed together.

We both love our wives, and don't want to lose them, or hurt them. We remain monogomous with them, and with each other.

We understand each other perfectly. Our need for a man's firm touch is something that runs deep, and must be fulfilled. We would sooner die than betray each other's trust and destroy our families.

Our time together is our own little world of our own creation. We are equals, no matter who is giving, or who is taking. Sometimes these moments are filled with wild, lustful, animalistic abandon; in others, a tenderness that one would not expect between two men.

We often lay naked in each other's arms, savoring each other's bodies, the touch of another man.

We are friends. Our relationship remains just that--a friendship--but with amazing benefits. We can tell each other anything.

We both enjoy making love to our wives, but that has nothing to do with what we receive from each other. It is the very opposite to what making love to a woman provides--hardness instead of softness, rough instead of tender, sameness instead of the opposite.

A masculine touch, to balance the feminine.

A man's touch.

The Ideal Christian Child

I keep thinking about that article.

No definable self. Often too easily influenced by others. Trained to please everyone. Known by many, but not knowable. Forced to play rolls in life.

All quite true, I'm afraid. But the next part is what freaked me out.

"They know the right words to use in marriage; they know how to perform; but they don't know how to deeply love another person."

"Pastor's sons...have not been allowed to exercise a real will of their own. Instead, their wants, needs, desires and dreams have been subjected to the will of others. They are pretty much the ideal Christian child because they are tremendously pleasant to be around, but they later flounder in adult life".

Without going into too much detail...yeah. To a "T", yours truly.

I can honestly say I've overcome much of this, to varying degrees of success. But at the risk of sounding melodramatic, I can just as honestly say that something inside me remains damaged. I remain both rudderless and anchorless at thirty-fucking-six years of fucking age. And that fucking pisses me the fuck off!

As children, my sister and I were near perfect. We were extremely well behaved, so much so that it was a point of pride for our parents. They were always complimented on us.

As adults we have both struggled to find our own voices. I'm the more successful of us in regards to that, and I'm the one who closeted and married!

I also have a pretty sickening need for approval. This is something that has massively improved over the years, largely because nothing I do is good enough for my parents (who's approval I've longed for the most), so I have largely stopped trying in regards to them. They express approval every so often for minor things, but by and large, my liberal, free-thinking ways are anathema.

Now I'm to the point that my feelings on being disapproved of or unliked largely depend on the person. If I think they are an asshole, then fuck them.

If I like them, then I'm troubled very deeply.  But hell, depending on my level of dislike for the assholes, even being disliked by them bothers me a little!

I've been many people's best friend, but I've never felt like I have had a best friend. I'm known by many, but not really knowable. There are some who know most of me, like my wife, but even then it's only the parts I feel I can show.

With all of this said, what really gets to me is the part about not being able to deeply love another person.

As much as I love my wife, I don't know if I'm deeply in love with her. I don't know if I ever have been.

I don't know if I know how.

Anchorless

I read an article last night that blew my fragile little mind. It was about a wide-spread phenomenon occurring with pastor's kids, but in particular, with pastor's sons.

You can go to the link here. (Full disclosure: I have no idea where this ministry stands on LGBT issues.)

Here's some excerpts:

"The pastor’s sons I work with are almost always separated, divorced, or on the verge of divorce. Their wives or ex-wives complain that they just don’t possess the kind of vigor or fire that they want from a husband."

"These men often have no definable self... these men don’t have a self to control in the first place. They are anchorless and are often too easily influenced by others."

"Because they’ve been trained to be pleasant to everyone, they often over-yes and under-no others. Many think that it’s simply wrong to tell others “no.” And when they do, they lose sleep at night. Being human, having boundaries, feels unnatural and sinful to them."

"They are known by many, but not knowable in part because they possess personas, an assumed identity, but not discernable personalities. They feel that they have been forced to play rolls in life, to wear masks (one of the original meanings of “persona”), which is exhausting and depletes them of integrity and healthy self-confidence."

"They know the right words to use in marriage—they know how to perform—but they don’t know how to deeply love another person."

"Pastor’s sons...have not been allowed to exercise a real will of their own. Instead, their wants, needs, desires and dreams have been subjected to the will of others. As a result, they are pretty much the ideal Christian child because they are tremendously pleasant to be around, but they later flounder in adult life"

Holy shit. I've concentrated on my sexuality being the main issue in my marriage, and to be sure it is. And I've always been aware that my upbringing as a PK has riddled me with issues.

But I've never seen it written out this way. It summarizes my past--and sometimes present--self quite well.

Free will? Not when I was growing up. I had to be an example at all times. I was not allowed to express, or HAVE, any negative emotion.

Years ago, I learned to speak up and stand up for myself. To express myself, and express my emotions. This caused my parents some heartache, but I knew even back then that living for someone else isn't really living.

I kinda became the black sheep. We still love each other, but they can't believe I've gone "so far astray". Meanwhile, my sister is the Good Child--and miserable for it.

Being raised as a pastor's kid is supposed to give a very strong foundation...but despite years of progress, I still feel anchorless.

Oh, I've Got Your Real Steel...

I provoked a bit of a conversation with my wife last night. It was short, but telling.

We were watching "Real Steel" on Blueray which stars Hugh Jackman and Evangeline Lilly. Double yummy.

I mentioned that Miss Lilly was hot. She narrowed her eyes at me and gave me a faux-dirty look.

Grinning devilishly, I asked her if it makes her jealous when I make comments like that (which I rarely do).

She said no, because she's a  celebrity and not realistically attainable.

After recovering from her shocking assumption that Evangeline Lilly DOESN'T have the hots for me, I asked if it would bother her if I made the same sort of comment about a guy...like, say, Mr. Jackman.

Her response was no, for the same reason. "I know you better than that", she said. "It's all about obtainability. It would be different if it were people around us."

"It doesn't bother you that it's a guy?"

"No."

Here's the thing. I think she said that because she's a good little liberal. She knows that being LGBT is not a choice, and that getting mad at me for something I can't help would be hypocritical of her.

It bothers her though, I can tell.  My bisexuality has always been a source of concern for her, in large part due to a few incidents that happened early on in our relationship. More on that later...

Anyway, one more thing that I find to be wierd but cool.  It could be a coincidence, but since starting this blog my libido has increased...for my wife! Guys are still hot, but...I'm wanting her. BAD!

Confusing, but I'm just gonna go with it.

Walking In My Shoes

Hey bi/gay married guys...can anyone relate to these lyrics by Depeche Mode?

I thought so.

I would tell you about the things They put me through
The pain I've been subjected to
But the Lord himself would blush

The countless feasts laid at my feet Forbidden fruits for me to eat
But I think your pulse would start to rush

Now I'm not looking for absolution Forgiveness for the things I do
But before you come to any conclusions
Try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

You'll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments I kept If you try walking in my shoes
If you try walking in my shoes

Morality would frown upon
Decency look down upon
The scapegoat fate's made of me But I promise now, my judge and jurors
My intentions could not have been purer
My case is easy to see

I'm not looking for a clearer conscience
Peace of mind after what I've been through
And before we talk of any repentance
Try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

You'll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments I kept If you try walking in my shoes
If you try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

You Bettah Step!

In case it's not obvious enough from the name I chose, this blog is going to talk frankly about mostly 2 things:

1. Religion, especially Christianity, and how it relates to...

2. Sex, specifically same-sex attraction among married and/or religious men. Even more specifically, MY attraction to men as a married Christian man.

I realize not everyone is religious, but I have a hunch that many bi or gay married men got married due to coming from a religious background.

I'm very open to comments and even respectful criticism--but keep any judgement to yourself. I've had a lifetime of that and I'm full up.

Oh. I also curse a lot. Never around my kids, or any place or situation where it isn't appropriate. But yeah.

So if you have issues with any of this? Get to steppin'!

No Way!

How did I JUST NOW discover that Blogger has an Android app?

Ladies and gentlemen, don't do drugs.

My Bible Problem

Sex. Religion. Sexy religion! Oooh,  I need to start a cult about my dick!

It would probably have a very small following.

When it comes to religion, like sexuality, I'm riddled with issues. I'm on a constant search for the Absolute Truth, and the older I've gotten, the more I'm realizing that one only obtains that on faith.

I don't have a lot of faith, which is somewhat comical since I was raised in a very faith-centric brand of the Christian belief system. However I do have SOME. I definitely believe in God. I believe in Jesus. What I take with a huge grain of salt, however, is the Bible. Which of course is the basis for the whole thing!

It should be pretty obvious why I, or any LGBT Christian, would have this issue with the Bible. This one book is the main reason that those that are out are treated like shit, and why the rest of us are in the closet!

Don't get me wrong. I find much of the Good Book to be beautiful, comforting, enlightening, insert additional positive adjectives here.
But it's hard to take it as something that is literally from God when it tells you that you are inherently evil.

I'm also aware that there are many alternative Biblical interpretations of this issue. But let's face it: to read the Bible at face value as it has been traditionally interpreted is an extremely demoralizing experience for LGBT people.

One has to wonder: if God truly loves us as we are, and He truly is in control...why did He allow for this issue to become so misinterpreted and cause so much heartache for so many people?

Attack of the Scrotato!

I'm starting to realize that my wife has no clue about how attracted to men I am. Or, even closer to the truth I think, she is in complete denial about it.

This actually shocks me, for several reasons.

For one, I'm not the most masculine guy in the world. No, I'm not flaming. I'm not lighting up cigarettes twenty feet away simply by entering the room (maybe 5-10 feet). However...if I were to ever come out as gay, there would be a massive, collective "I KNEW it/I told you so!!" among most anyone who knows or used to know me. It's quite likely I could boost the economy simply because of the bet money that would be paid out. I hear even Vegas is taking odds on this closet fag now!

This would be especially true of anyone who knew me as a child and teen-- I learned years ago to butch it up as much as I could. It's actually something that is second nature to me now.

Also, guys turn my head...or at least my eyes, all the time. I'm constantly checking out men, especially the packages! How has she not noticed?

Our sex life is currently non existent, although it wasn't always this way. It was actually pretty damn good until we accidentally got pregnant with our third. After that, for various reasons, we were both afraid of getting pregnant again, and sex transformed into almost exclusively oral. That was fine for awhile, but my daughter is now five and a half! Too long. I finally got some decent insurance and last year I got a vasectomy. That was in May.

We have had sex twice since then. Both times, we agreed, were horrible.

Now, this hasn't completely been due to lack of desire. I was actually one of the lucky guys who end up with a massive infection! My penis and scrotum were swollen due to the surgery, but my right testicle became HUGE and extremely painful. It took awhile to recover from that, and then just a couple of months ago, I had a relapse. Attack of the Scrotato.

Can I stop right here and heartily recommend that you DON'T ever get a testicular infection? Don't believe the Hollywood glamour, boys. That shit HURTS! The increase in the size of your package is NOT worth it.

So anyway, the scrotato has been an issue too, but she acts like it's pretty much the ONLY issue.

I think that she really knows it's not, but has totally deluded herself...or have I done that to her? I know that I've been fooling myself, so I guess I've been fooling her too.

As far as I can tell, she's clueless, or has buried her fears fairly deep. Either way, I haven't been honest with her, or myself.

Young Love, Strong Love

I met my wife in 1999. I had just moved back to California after living in the midwest for a few years. A mutual friend was throwing me a "Welcome Back To Cali" party. Karen was the one who picked us up to go to the party.

I should pause for a moment and explain that, as is typical for a PK, I used to party my fucking ass off. I experimented with many things, never becoming an addict, but eventually settled into being a pothead/acidhead. I'm not advocating either of those things--I'm just being honest.

So, as it happens, when I met my wife I was frying on 3 hits of Pink Elephant acid. Yeah...it'll be awhile before we tell the kids all the details on how we met.

Anywho, she picked us up, and we had just dropped. We drove to the party, and just as we stepped out of the car, it hit. I was suddenly frying BALLS!

FYI--not all trips are created equal. Some are more body, some more visual, some more cerebral, some a mix of some or all of these.

This one just so happened to be a mind trip...and I was at a fucking WILD party with tons of people I DIDN'T KNOW.

Brilliant, Sean.

This meant that I was pretty much retarded, around a bunch of people I didn't know, except my friend. It made for a really uncomfortable evening for me, with one exception.

Karen.

For some reason, I was totally and completely comfortable around her. And despite the fact that I was tripping my balls off, she was totally comfortable around me. We immediately hit it off.

We quickly bonded and started hanging out a lot. She already had a boyfriend, but I wasn't seen as a threat because our mutual friend had informed her, before we ever met, that I was gay and had moved back to Cali to "chase the boys".

Almost, but not quite true.

I had already decided that when I got back to California I was going to pursue happiness and love, no matter where it lead me, be it with a man or a woman.

I met Karen on my third day back. It really has always felt like our meeting each other was meant to be. We had many talks about my sexuality, and I assured her I was straight enough to be with a woman. Within a month or so, she dumped her boyfriend for me. We started dating exclusively, at which point I informed her that should this get serious, she should know that I think marriage is truly insane. She agreed, but internally continued to plot my eventual demise. I loved her, but she is the one who really pushed the relationship forward.

Three months later, I proposed.

Big Ole Hot Mess

Hello my brothers. I thought when I started this thing that my posts would be more coherent, but I'm starting to realize it's probably gonna end up a big ole hot mess, like it's author. Oh well!

I was gonna post about how I met my wife before really getting into the present...but fuck it. Got shit on the brain.

Karen and I have been married for over 11 years, and together almost 13. Most of that has been happy, except for my increasing attraction to men. Sex is a rarity, although it's not just me. She has issues from previous boyfriends. By and large though, it is me with "the problem".  I WANT to be more turned on by her, but I'm just not, even though she's still attractive to me! I mean, if we start making out and get into foreplay, then yes, I'm hard and I want it. But just looking at her or any woman? Usually nothing. (Although, was just watching Kelly Clarkston's new video and DAMN!) However, guys turn my head CONSTANTLY. Sigh...and I always wonder how much she notices that.

Last night she wanted to cuddle before falling asleep. I actually WANTED sex, but she wasn't having it. Oh well, it was nice anyway. We woke up to the girls crawling into bed with us. Snuggle snuggle. I love them so much.

I'm so afraid of losing this. I love my wife, she's my best friend. I don't want to tear our home apart. These kids are my LIFE.

I feel like a selfish ass. I should have been more honest with myself years ago. Yet, had I not married Karen, I wouldn't have my kids! How the fuck could I wish they didn't exist? And what about Karen, who I DO love?

The problem is I want to make love to a man. I've had very little  sexual experience with men, always a quick random hook up, mostly before I was married. I'm not interested in that anymore.

I want to be with a man.

I want to be with my wife.

What the fuck.

So Hard

I have no idea how Natalie Maines got inside of a closeted married man's head, but she did. Tweaking only a few words, these lyrics exactly describe how I feel in regards to my marriage. Yes, I'm aware how very 16 of me this is. Bite me.

And yes, I'm aware of the double meaning of the lyrics...it's SO HARD when it doesn't CUM easy....yar har har. Let's all grow up now. ;-)

"So Hard"

Back when we started
We didn't know how hard it was
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us

Now we've got something I can imagine fighting for
So why is fighting myself all that I'm good at anymore?

And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard

It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard

It felt like a given
Something that I was born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it?

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on Cause you know it's so hard

It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

I live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

Last night I realized
That I can't remember
How to feel free

It's so hard.

My First Time

I was 14 years old and well into puberty. I walked into the bathroom, entered the stall, and sat down.

There was a hole in the wall between me and the next stall. It was about 3" in diameter, and I could see clearly through it. An older guy (to me, he was probably early twenties, tops) sat hunched over. After a few  seconds, he sat up...

...revealing a spectacular, huge, hard, pulsing cock! To my young eyes, this thing appeared to be a foot long. In reality it still had to be 7-8" at least.

I was instantly hard as a rock, and started beating off. I watched as he did the same, and FUCK, this guy was HOT. Hot body to go along with that beautiful dick, and after a bit we checked out each other's faces...he was way cute. Dark hair and eyes, like me.

After a couple of minutes, he put his fingers in the hole. I stood up, and put my dick through the hole.

Oh...wow! Wet, warm heaven! Dear sweet mother of mercy! He took me all the way in, til his mouth touched my pubes. I started thrusting in and out, and he began licking my glans. Being my first time with anyone other than myself, I came within seconds.

Of course, my load was HUGE. I spurted and jerked and shot load after load. He swallowed every drop, drinking my cock like his life depended on it.

Slowly I came back down to earth and withdrew. As I did, he stood up and stuck his huge cock through the hole.

Suddenly in a panic, I buckled my pants and left as quickly as I could, off to find my mom and sister.

Derp

So now I'm gonna switch gears for just a sec and say OMG, LMMFAO (that's "LAUGHING MY MOTHER FUCKING ASS OFF")  at myself for being, like, the 358,401st "Married And Maybe Gay!!"  blog out there. Yay Sean, you are the very vanguard of the cutting edge, as usual.

Old Glory

I put my hand on my forehead and started to pray. I began to command these demons to leave me, NOW, in the name of Jesus!

Nothing happened.

Over the years, I tried many variations of this theme. I cried out to God, I prayed, I begged, I pleaded, I sobbed...my heart wanted nothing more than for to God to take it away.

He never did. I never felt the slightest change in my sexuality. In fact, I only grew more attracted to men.

But wait! The Bible is 100% true, every word of it! So what was I doing wrong? As the months passed, I grew depressed, which soon blossomed into thoughts of suicide.

My whole world revolved around God, and God doesn't make mistakes! So what was I? Obviously I was doing something wrong. I was sick, and something inside of me was stained, wicked.

Fuck this. I will CHOOSE to be straight, and that will fix it. Obviously, this is a choice, so I'll choose to never think about men in "that way". There.

That might have worked...but then I discovered a glory hole in our local Kmart men's room.

Fuck.

Unclean Spirits

I don't really know where to start, so I guess I'll begin with the basics of me.

I was born and mostly raised in the California desert. My dad was the offspring of dust-bowl Okies who moved to Cali during the Depression. My mom is from the south and is the very definition of a conservative southern lady. Together they entered the ministry when I was a toddler, and have been pastors my entire life.

I have been attracted to the same gender pretty much as far back as I can remember...at least 7 or 8 or so. I would occasionally have crushes on girls, but even at that early age, it was male intimacy that I primarily desired.

I was raised in the "non-denominational" charismatic brand of the Christian faith. Speaking in tongues, laying on of hands/faith healing, getting "slain in the spirit", the Bible is the literal Word of God, ect. I was the pastor's son.

Being a pastor's kid, or PK if you will, has many perks. For instance, you get to be at every single service and function, a minimum of several times a week. You are the first to arrive, and the last to leave. All eyes are on you, and you must be an example at all times.

Except when you're sneaking around to smoke, drink and do coke with your Christian friends. Shhh!

Ah, the memories.

I was allowed to go to public school once, in the first grade.  Other than that one year, I went to small Christian schools or was home schooled. I was not allowed to listen to secular (non-Christian) music, or watch such evil cartoons as He-Man or Scooby Doo. I was not allowed to go to unapproved  parties, nor have any non-Christian friends.

I wanted to fucking die.

I was raised in the very womb of conservative thought. The Bible was the final word on everything, and the Bible says that homosexuality is a sin. Well... The beautiful, magical time known as puberty came along and eventually I started to realize that I was checking out guys way more than girls. Um....no. NO! That is wrong, it's sin, it's disgusting in the eyes of a righteous God. So of course, I did what was right,  what was the only obvious rational solution.

I tried to cast demons out of myself.

Me Brine's Garna Esplode It Tis!

I'm hoping to post something of substance soon. I have sooooooo many thoughts rumbling around that I don't know where to start. Plus a snow storm has the kids home today, and Karen and I are both off too. Right now cleaning and jammin out to the Dixie Chicks.

GAY!

Every time I turn around, I run into myself...

Queer I Am!

When I was about twelve or so, in the late 80's, the AIDS epidemic had reached it's zenith in the gay community. AIDS was a death sentence, and it was spreading. One day after church, I stood around listening to the adults talk. The subject turned to AIDS, and my mother said, to mass agreement, "They should just put all the homosexuals and anyone with AIDS on an island and leave them there!"

Her words...hurt somehow. I remember they literally turned my stomach.I looked at her, and said "But mom, what if I had AIDS? Would you do that to me?"

She looked at me like I had just said the sky was yellow...but she never did answer.