Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Big Ole Hot Mess

Hello my brothers. I thought when I started this thing that my posts would be more coherent, but I'm starting to realize it's probably gonna end up a big ole hot mess, like it's author. Oh well!

I was gonna post about how I met my wife before really getting into the present...but fuck it. Got shit on the brain.

Karen and I have been married for over 11 years, and together almost 13. Most of that has been happy, except for my increasing attraction to men. Sex is a rarity, although it's not just me. She has issues from previous boyfriends. By and large though, it is me with "the problem".  I WANT to be more turned on by her, but I'm just not, even though she's still attractive to me! I mean, if we start making out and get into foreplay, then yes, I'm hard and I want it. But just looking at her or any woman? Usually nothing. (Although, was just watching Kelly Clarkston's new video and DAMN!) However, guys turn my head CONSTANTLY. Sigh...and I always wonder how much she notices that.

Last night she wanted to cuddle before falling asleep. I actually WANTED sex, but she wasn't having it. Oh well, it was nice anyway. We woke up to the girls crawling into bed with us. Snuggle snuggle. I love them so much.

I'm so afraid of losing this. I love my wife, she's my best friend. I don't want to tear our home apart. These kids are my LIFE.

I feel like a selfish ass. I should have been more honest with myself years ago. Yet, had I not married Karen, I wouldn't have my kids! How the fuck could I wish they didn't exist? And what about Karen, who I DO love?

The problem is I want to make love to a man. I've had very little  sexual experience with men, always a quick random hook up, mostly before I was married. I'm not interested in that anymore.

I want to be with a man.

I want to be with my wife.

What the fuck.


  1. Selfish? No. I think the bigger question was did you have the tools years ago to come out to yourself? Were you really able to be honest with yourself? And, it sounds like, from your following post that Karen knew you were gay when she met you. Was she being honest with herself?

    It's quite a complex situation, but the one thing that isn't helpful is to beat yourself up about the past. You can't change it, you can only learn from it, and let it inform your future decisions.

  2. Thanks Mack. I guess the honest truth is no, I definitely did not have the tools to be honest with myself. At all. In fact, due to my upbringing, I was truly repressed on just about every level, not just sexuality. I'll probably get into that in future posts.

    Karen had her concerns, but I overcame them with my assurances, and...well, with my dick. I had no problem getting it up for her, and LOVED going down on her (still do).

    How many gay guys like going down on a woman? Every gay guy I've known would run screaming from the room!

    1. Buddy, I agree with you. I love it as well, although she is not into it as often as I would like. It is amazing though to give someone so much pleasure that way.

  3. I LOVED going down on my wife and I was darned good at it. I would probably still go down on a woman if she were very attractive and responsive.

    Yet, my primary sexual interest is in men. I love sucking cock and I'm getting to be very good at it as well.

  4. I've often wondered if my enjoyment of cunnilingus had more to do with erotic power than with enjoying the female parts. Eating out...food for thought. ;-)

    Like you, however, my primary sexual desire is for men.