Monday, January 30, 2012

The Need

A lot of my Bi Married Blogging Brothers™ ;) have been writing lately about honesty. There must be something in the air, for this has also been heavily on my mind.

Among all the thoughts swirling around in my noggin right now, one of the loudest is this: Is it possible for a bi man to remain monogamous and faithful to his wife?

First of all, I'll beat you to the punch and answer myself with "Yes". Of course it's possible, ANYTHING is possible.

Ok. How about probable? Is it probable that a bi married man will remain faithful to his wife?

No. No it is not.

That's not to say it hasn't happened. I'm sure it has, but I've yet to read about it or hear of it firsthand on all the blogs and articles and e-mails I've read. Or, the blog doesn't really make it clear, so I guess on those it's a maybe.

Dear Faithful Bi Married Reader, are you a unicorn? If you're out there, can you please speak up in the comments?

So lets say these guys exist. Ok, but have they remained faithful in their minds? In the biggest sex organ we have--our brain? (Sorry, John Holmes).

That answer, dear reader, is a 100%, money-back guaranteed "no". If your bi/gay and married, then you already know this.

I think it's quite commendable if a bi guy remains physically faithful to his woman. Yet even in that best case scenario, he is still going to be unfaithful in his mind.

I'm not talking about fantasies. Everyone--male or female, gay or straight--has occasional or perhaps even frequent masterbatory fantasies that exclude their significant other.

No, I'm talking about the Need. Even if you never physically act on it, you've done so in your head a million times.

The Need will always pull on you. It will never, ever go away. Ever. You can feed it, or you can starve it---but you don't get rid of it.

How long before even the hardiest of souls give in? Even the best intentioned bi man in the world? We are only men. We are only human.

I thought when I got married that I had found happily ever after. I reasoned that I was in love with Karen and to choose marriage is to choose monogomy no matter what one's sexual orientation is.

I wasn't honest enough with myself. I have cheated on Karen in my mind almost since day 1, and eventually those mental cheats became the real thing. I'm extremely saddened by this, and ashamed of myself, for her sake.

Don't get me wrong. Some guys out there would consider what I've done to be literally next to nothing!  Just a few quick, random hook ups that weren't exactly pre-planned (although to be 100% honest, I was casually cruising in most cases).  Never anything unsafe.

But "next to nothing" and "nothing" are 2 separate things.

I want to do right by her, but I've already fucked that up. She deserves better than that.

We both do.


  1. I happily stopped hooking-up nearly ten years ago, at 35. The fleeting pleasure just wasn't worth the trouble. Guilt wasn't a motivating factor.

    Part of the reason giving men up was painless was because I knew finding sex with them was easy. It didn't feel like a sacrifice to go without.

    Maybe giving them up needs to be like eating too many jelly beans? Eat too many and you never crave them again?

    I will say that I don't think it's possible to be happily done with cheating until you feel entirely free to express yourself. For me that has meant completely accepting myself, to live without denial, shame or guilt. I indulge my gay self on a whim. If I want to watch porn, I watch it. If I want to watch a gay romance, I will. If I want to better 'know' what it's like to be out, I'll read stories or talk to others on-line. Gay isn't just a part of me, it is me, but it's also not that big of a deal.

    Also, and perhaps this was crucial (but I'm not sure)...for the longest time I craved men not just for their bodies but because I desired an unfiltered emotional bond. I felt like I had an emptiness deep inside that only a man could fill. Well, of all the men I've ever been with, that emptiness has never been filled. One day it occurred to me that, in all likelihood, the void would never be filled. That might seem sad but it's not. I'm still the same person either way. Really, I was chasing an idea, just for the sake of the idea itself, and not because it would matter one bit once I found what I was looking for.

    With all that said, I don't think anyone can tell you how to be happy without men. It's a personal journey and it's the experience of taking the journey that makes giving them up possible.

  2. Hey TwoLives,

    Thanks for the advice. I know you've walked farther on this road than I have, and your insights are DEEPLY appreciated.

    The thing is, I've never hooked up with guys on the level you have (I don't mean that in a bad way, by the way). I have never really fed "the Need", I have only teased it, which of course makes it worse.

    I've done the "gay in private" thing for years. Unfortunately, that doesn't scratch my itch--it only makes it worse.

    I have definitely had that same overwhelming desire for that same emotional connection with another man. To be honest, at times this desire is just as strong or stronger than the sexual desire! That being said, it's entirely possible that I'll never find that. It's possible that I don't know how, and if that's so, will I destroy my family for a series of random sex adventures? Will that ultimately be fulfilling? Will it be worth it?

    On the flip side, can I continue to live with such a high level of cognitive dissonance? Surely it will, sooner or later, come with a cost.

    1. As an older man (54) who has been living with his husband (we're in Iowa) for almost 16 years, I can tell you that I didn't realize I had the capability to be happy until I divorced my very nice wife, came out, and lost my family of origin. I am living a life that I was not aware was even possible. Our kids are wonderful, our business is flourishing, and we are still HOT for each other. We have found that if people truly love us, they will eventually find their way back to us if we treat them with respect and honesty. My family (BIG Bible thumpers) in retrospect, are not that big of a loss. Life as a partnered gay man with children can be very, very good. Getting here was sometimes painful, but I'd do it all again. Give everything time.

  3. Happyman, thanks so much for posting this. I confess to being moved by your story. It really does give me hope that the truth really can set us free.

    1. It really can. I think the most important thing is to be true to you. My husband and I both had young children when we met. We made them the priority of course, but seeing their dads happy and healthy and loving each other was an important component in the long term happiness we all share today. They are all grown now and we are all very close.