I'm home sick again today. The doctor confirmed yesterday that my inability to swallow, that stabbing pain in my throat, and my bullfrog-like appearance is indeed strep. Yay. My boss is pissed. Double yay.
Kids are at school. Wife went to a friends.
As soon as she left, I started crying.
I'm finding myself conflicted over this blog. It's causing me to address things that scare the hell out of me. I'm sitting here miserable and conflicted, and she doesn't have a clue. No one does.
I can't believe I'm this good at hiding my true feelings. In a very real way, I'm an actor on a stage, every minute of every day.
My heart feels like it ls breaking. These tears keep falling. Goddammit, I love her. I can't do this. I'm going to break her fucking heart!
At the same time, I know that my eternal cognitive dissonance is slowly killing me.
Why must we wear these masks we wear? Our speech muted, our vision unclear?
I'm extremely depressed and anxious right now. If you believe in prayer, I'd appreciate it.
They cover our faces, they take away our air, all while smiling as if without care.
I found my blog useful for just that reason. It forces me to think about what I think, what I want and how I feel about my life, especially the gay part of it.
ReplyDeleteI came across you post... it was heart breaking. A hug from Canada. Hoping everything works out for you.
ReplyDeleteWow...thanks you guys. Just one of my heavy flow days I suppose...lol. Seriously though, thanks. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd Canadian hugs are the best! :)
ReplyDeleteThe cognitive dissonance is hard and it will definitely drive you to some sort of reconciliation. I totally feel your pain!
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