In Hiding?

Been thinking about sexuality a lot lately...well, more than usual. It's so strange, the masks so many wear, to hide their true faces. You could say I'm still wearing one. Yet, if bisexuality truly exists, wouldn't I simply be donning a different mask if I were to be with a man?

Maybe. But really, societal norms being what they are, and if I'm being truly honest with myself, the basic fact is, as a rule, I am more attracted to men than I am to women--therefore, even though I'm hot for my wife, it is really the mask of straightness that I chose to wear all those years ago.

Am I still hiding?

I don't feel like I am. In fact I feel more open and bare to my soul with those who are closest to me--and with myself-- than I ever have.

Yet, old doubts remain. I guess this shit doesn't happen overnight. I'm still not looking to cheat on my wife--yay! But I worry about it happening again. So far I feel fulfilled with her and if I want to be with a guy, I jack off to that fantasy and I feel fulfilled there too.  

Will this always be enough? I sure hope so--I'm not a good cheater.  Too much internal anguish and guilt. So, I can honestly say that it is for now...I just hope it lasts and I don't go fucking shit up again.

Everybody Knows

Tell me now if you came sneaking up behind
Would you know me and see behind the smile
I can change like colors on a wall
Hoping no one else will find what lies beneath it all
I think I hide it all so well

Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won't forget my name
That's the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows

Looking through the crowd
I search for something else
But every time I turn around
I run into myself
Here I stand
Consumed with my surroundings
Just another day
Of everybody looking
I swore they'd never see me cry
You'll never see me cry

Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won't forget my name
That's the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows

You say I'll pay the price
That's the chance that I'll take
Though you may think I'm telling lies...
But I just call it getting by

Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won't forget my name
That's the way we play this game of life

Everybody knows...

I'm just barely getting by...

Updates

Hey everyone. Haven't written lately obviously. Lots of good things thus far going on!

You know, if I were sitting out there on the internet, reading what I have wrote so far, you know what I would honestly think?

"Bullshit. Climb back out of the closet you just stepped back into, SEAN!!"

Frankly, I can't believe it myself. For the first few days after The Talk, I was in complete shock. I couldn't believe things had worked out so well. I mean, reading what I wrote, it's easy to see how fucked in the head I was, how afraid of being gay I was, how afraid I was to break up my family, how afraid I was to really face the truth, whatever it would turn out to be.

Afraid, afraid, afraid. Fear, fear, fear.

Aren't we all tired of living in fear? Of ourselves?

Nope, no more of that for me. I'm full up, thanks.

So what happened?

Turns out, I'm NOT gay. And no, I'm not straight either. I'm definitely bi.

What I mean is, you know what I realized? That I'm...BISEXUAL. You know what that means? I like dudes. They're hot. But guess what else that means?

I also like women. They are also hot. Giggity!

What I'm saying is this. I spent my life mind-fucking myself over being attracted to men. Yet I've always been sexually attracted to women as well, even if it was less than to men. I think, because of my upbringing, I focused so much worrying about the homo side of things that I almost KILLED my hetero side.

All things considered, I admit that killing an approximation of 20% heteroness isn't exactly difficult. And yeah, if I had been raised differently, I would have went gay, almost for sure.

But I was raised the way I was raised. And despite the twists and turns and heartache that have led me here...I'm here. With her.

I'm honestly thankful for that.

I'm seeing things so much clearer now. I know the journey is still long, and for guys like me, always difficult. I know, BELIEVE me.

But I believe in what we have. My heart is hers, my mind is hers. I'm no longer tempted to stray.

Will that always be the case? I doubt it. I'm only human...but things are different now. I believe in myself, and in what I have with her.

Things with her are really, REALLY good. Why would I throw that away? Why would I throw US away?

Thank you God, for the good things.

And to hell with the rest!

Baby, Hold On...

I come from a large musical family. We have many musicians, and just about all of us can sing. (Got a few cousins who can't. They feel left out.)

Anyway, in my family, music is in our hearts and souls. Lyrics too--we also have quite a few poets and songwriters.

Country music is a big part of my roots, but normally I'm a rock kinda guy. Actually, I like all sorts of music...but sometimes, I'm embarrassed to admit, country really does move me. So...I'm an artsy fartsy half fag who likes some hick music. Sue me.

The point is, I love music, and certain songs really speak to me. The song below has been a favorite of mine and Karen's for a long time...but now it takes on a  WHOLE new meaning. Dixie Chicks again...don't know why, but they speak to me.

Gay as shit? Yes. Do I give a fuck? Not anymore.

"Baby Hold On"

Hey, it might never be the same We might never live those days gone by
But we can try

Good morning
Let's kick the babies out of bed How bout you and me instead hanging on
Not up and gone

(Baby, hold on) Let's start this over
(Baby, hold on) We're not much older now
(Baby, hold on) If you still see what I see
Keep holding on
Hold on to me

Baby, it's good to see you smile again
I know we can't escape
So let's pretend
We're someplace else

It's a new day
Let's look at all we've got
It's everything we thought
We ever wanted
It's beautiful

(Baby, hold on)
Let's start this over
(Baby, hold on)
We're not much older now
(Baby, hold on)
If you still see what I see
Keep holding on
Hold on to me

I look across the room and catch you staring at me
And see the love we almost left behind
So lead me by the hand and let's make up
Let's make up for lost time....

Baby hold on...

The Talk, Part III

We each sat on our sides of the bed. I stared into my lap as the tears continued to silently fall.

"I need to ask you something" she said quietly, "and you have to be honest with me." I looked up at her.

Her face was resolute, touched with fear and...yes. I saw anger there.

We looked into each others eyes. Truth only, Sean. You owe her that. You owe yourself that.

"What...is your primary sexual preference?"

Fuck me.

I looked away, staring at nothing. Honesty.

I turned my head back to her, and I answered...

"To men."

She shook her head as she turned away from me, turning to sit on the edge of the bed, burying her face in her hands. She started to sob, which continued for a couple of minutes until she suddenly stood up and ran to the bathroom. I could hear her vomiting.

After a few minutes she walked back in and sat back down. She wouldn't look at me. "So now what?"

So now what, indeed.

I did not want to break up my family, but I had to be honest with myself and with her, come what may.

She spoke up again. "What do you want?"

"I don't know". Out came the honest answer, immediately. "I don't know what I want."

She looked at me, sad but firm.

"I'm sorry then...but I can't do this."

*****

The above was how I originally was going to write this part out. (None of the above was fiction, by the way.) Perhaps this is my little stab at some melodramatic romance novelization of a very serious personal situation. Yeah, that sounds like me--gay as shit, and making light of something serious at the same time.  Even so, I wish I could continue to write this out like this, but meh... I'm calling bullshit on myself.  Perhaps if I lived in an alternate universe where I had tons of time and cared more about how I write things than how I live them, but alas, I'm stuck here in this one for now.

I'll just super condense it for now, and spit out more details as I can. The bottom line is this:

We remembered who WE were before the bullshit started. We dug down to why it started. I realized that I had actually always been confused by my level of attraction to Karen, since I was usually into guys. Because of that, I quickly sabotaged what we had in my own mind, which of course lead to reality quickly following. That I had been too afraid to really look at my level of attraction to men vs. women in fear of losing her AND being forced to realize I might be gay and not bi.

In the middle of all that honesty, I almost lost her, and it was like a flash, an epiphany went off in my head, in my heart, in my soul....what was I saying? What was I doing? I thought back to the beginning, before the lies, and doubts and walls and the rest of it. About how I felt that connection with her from the moment we met. How that sexual spark WAS there, and it was great, and it was real, despite my general homo attractions. I thought of all this and realized I wanted HER. Could we make it work sexually again? I didn't know, but wasn't it worth trying for?

Basically, I (and we) faced these things down and we reconnected very, very deeply. Actually, I feel like we've connected for the first time ever.

It wasn't all about me. She had her own insecurities that she had to face. Much of it comes from before she knew me, and my hiding things made it worse. She had to decide if she could trust me, could forgive me, and could trust and forgive herself for her part. She had to KNOW that she  is the one I want in every way, not just because we love each other and have kids. And much more...

With all this said, we are all  adults here. We know that sex is the bottom line in regards to this little story. Love isn't enough if we are both really going to be fulfilled.

Well?

We have had sex for the past three nights in a row. That is actually the first time EVER for us. We even woke up in the middle of the night the night before last for another round!

After the talk, it became absolutely electric. We both are like horndoggy teenagers. We can't get enough of each other! No desperation to get me off...just really great, passionate sex.

And I'm not thinking about guys when I'm with her. I was so afraid that I would be...and that's not to say that guys aren't hot anymore. But when I'm with her, I'm WITH her--for the first time ever.

It's hard not to discount or at least question all of this because I've been fucked up over this shit my whole life. Thinking that I might actually have a handle on who I am is very new, and I'm not sure how to just accept it yet. I DO know that I don't expect my male desires to go away. I am a bisexual man, forever and always. In fact we talked about that. She understands that these things are a part of my sexuality and repressing them only makes it worse. Not that I'm to cheat, but my alone time is my alone time, and she knows that will more than likely include male fantasies. I have permission! And now that I do have that...so far anyway...I'm thinking of her. Still confusing...but...I'm going with it.

Will this be happily ever after? I don't know, but I'm extremely hopeful for the first time in my life that it's possible. It certainly feels right, and not forced.

I can't see the future, but I do know what I can see right here, right now.

And right here, right now, for the first time in my life...it's good.

The Talk, Part II

Hello everyone. It's been a crazy couple of days, to say the least. There is much to say without enough time to say it! I was going to write it all out, but I'm still processing it, and don't really have enough time right now anyway. I want to though, and I will probably do so soon.

I don't know what came over me--other than a lifetime of facing (or not facing) this shit down alone and scared. But starting this blog brought it all to a head, and apparently I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

It was an emotional roller coaster of a night, to be sure. It was the most scared and emotionally naked I have ever felt. I told her the truth about myself as I understand it---completely.

I told her how I'm almost exclusively physically attracted to men, with her being the main and basically only exception. How I didn't really figure that out until now, which meant that I hid behind a half truth, which only served to alienate and scare her. How she has in turn made me to feel ashamed and guilty of that side of me, which only made me hide it more, which only fueled her insecurities, which only made me repress myself further, which only scared her more and raised more suspicions...on and on, repeat for years and years...

I told her how I still, now, have a very deep emotional need for a intimate connection with a man, and have had it since I was a boy. How I have combined that need with my homosexual desires, when in fact they can be two separate things. How, as she already knew, I've never had a male best friend, and (this part was terrifying to say to HER) that at this point I'm afraid that I'll fall in love should he ever come along.

I told her how I stopped wanting her sexually after our connection started to fade, and as my only other preference besides her is for men, that is where I naturally started to look. I even told her that I very nearly tried to find a permanent FWB.

This conversation took many twists and turns, some of them pretty fucking scary. Because I had never spoken any this aloud, and was still figuring it out, I didn't have my usual way with words (I can be a smooth talker--and convincing liar-- if I want). My usual script was gone, and I was...just real. It was only by talking it out with her that we figured it out--together.

How did she take it? Beautifully well, my Karen, considering the magnitude of what was being said. She obviously had many questions that were very frightening for me to answer truthfully...but I did.

To be continued...

The Talk, Scene I

I've been up most of the night facing down the old demons, so a forewarning: probable sharp curves, steep inclines and disjointed writing ahead.

Lately, I have had the hots for my wife.

Sexually, we've been in a long dry spell for quite awhile, both of us wanting to fix it with no success. Well, her wanting to fix it, and me wanting to fix it and also wanting to have sex with men. Wonder what the problem has been?

Since my vasectomy last May, we have had sex twice. Both times, both of us walked away frustrated and dissatisfied.

Last night, Karen and I made love for the first time in 2012.

I actually had desire for her, and it showed. It wasn't the best fuck we've ever given each other, but it was definitely a good one! After so long of wondering if even "good" was possible, I'll take it.

Anyway, with all of my kevetching here on the blog, I have attempted to discover and address my most naked feelings regarding my wife and my own sexuality.

Please allow me to interrupt myself for just a moment to explain something about...myself.

Several years ago I went on anti-anxiety/depression medication. The difference in my mental and emotional health before and after doing so have been nothing short of remarkable. Before, I could not speak my mind or vent my feelings well at all: after, I have no problems, generally speaking.

In addition, I grew up with a mom who suppressed her own wants and desires for her family and the ministry. She lived in resentment of it, and punished us in myriad ways for it. Not all of the time, but she definitely had bad days. When angry, she was quietly terrifying. She could hold anger for a very long time--I remember her not speaking to my dad for literally days on end.

This is what I come from, both nature and nurture.

There is much more than that, but the bottom line for this topic is that at this point in my life, if something is stuck in my craw...it must come out.

Since Karen and I are best friends, hiding all of myself from her has made me feel alone...very, very alone. Of course, it has also caused quite a bit of distance between us.

Last night, I attempted to bridge that gap.

To be continued...

Truth

I came out to my wife last night.

Film at 11.

In Time?

As the years have passed, I've somehow hidden my level of attraction for men from her, because she generally seems oblivious about it. However, my gut strongly says she has repressed her concerns.

Last night, the Mrs and I watched "In Time", starring the incomparable acting talents of Justin Timberlake and Amanda Seyfried.

Actually, I was mildly impressed with Mr. Timberlake's performance. Not so bad for a former boy bander, and he's quite easy on the eyes. Not really my type, but still.

Ms. Seyfried is so fucking hot that I actually feel straight when I look at her. Her acting chops are mediocre in my opinion, but DAMMMNNNN... that face! That body! Exactly my (female) type.

Anywho, a scene came on where JT strips down to jump in the ocean. Off comes the shirt. Mmmmm. The pants get unbuckled. He starts sliding them down...

...and cut to Amanda.

"Damn!", I hear from my right (echoing my thought).

I turn my head, glaring at my wife.

"And just WHAT, may I ask, was THAT?"

She grinned sheepishly. "What? I know you think SHE is hot."

"Well yeah I do...but I wouldn't have minded seeing him too."

She suddenly looks disturbed, like I've said something verboten. Not deeply disturbed, but almost...childish? Silly but serious?

This irritated me a bit. "Hello, have we met before? I'm bisexual."

She looked at her hands. "I know", she said, "but I don't like it when you...you know..."

We got caught back up in the movie, and I let it go...but there it is.

The problem is, this is actually my fault. Like everything, I suppose.

You see, early in our relationship and marriage, she caught me looking at gay porn a couple of times. Karen has insecurity issues anyway, and she was very upset about it. Her fear and rage combined were truly something to behold.

My reaction was what fucked it up. I should have sat down with her and been TRULY honest, but I was incapable of even being honest with myself at the time. What I could have and should have done was remind her that, yes, I am bisexual, and fulfilling that side of me while maintaining my fidelity to her was not only to be expected as a man, but was also healthy. Comfort and reassure, but insist that this is a part of who I am and I should not be made to feel guilty about it.

Instead, I reacted with my head bowed in shame, profusely apologizing, both of us crying as she continued to berate and interrogate me.

I now realize that I reacted the way I did because of the deeper truth that I was unwilling or unable to face.

The deeper truth was that, despite my external and internal insistence that I was open and enlightened regarding my sexuality, I was actually still extremely repressed. The truth was I wanted to be with a man, that I was already cheating on her with men in my mind, that I had in fact cheated on her once while engaged.

And she reacted the way she did out of justified insecurity, justified fear, justified hurt...

I fucked it up. As a result, a monster lurks beneath our happy little life. A monster of my own creation, and at this point, she has convinced herself that it doesn't exist.

I fucked it up.

Q & A

I've really been blown away by the concern a lot of you guys have shown me over the past couple of days. I'm in a better head space today--maybe breaking down like that yesterday was needed. Such a drama queen, sheesh!

I've also realized that I've inadvertently left out some details to this sad, silly saga, because many of of you are asking me similar questions. So, I'm going to attempt to better explain myself here in the blog, and in the process, hopefully figure this out a little better myself.

One guy in particular, who wishes to remain anonymous, really worded these questions in a way that seem, to me, to get to the heart of things. I'm going to repost them and answer as honestly as I know how.

Can you explain how you know that you're interested in a gay relationship? Is it because you are sexually attracted to men that much that you just want to live it out on a daily basis?

This one is difficult to explain, probably because I haven't figured it out yet.

I love my wife, and she loves me. Love isn't the problem. The problem is that while I am still somewhat sexually attracted to her, my most primal attraction is for men. I have yearned, for as long as I can remember, for an emotional and sexual connection with a man. However, I didn't really realize the depth of this desire until fairly recently. I was never really honest with myself, and therefore, not honest with her.

I don't know if I want to "live it out" on a day to day basis. The thought of doing so thrills me (because I feel I would finally be true to myself), but mostly terrifies me (for many reasons). Most importantly, the cost for MY (potential) internal happiness would come at a terrible cost to hers--at least initially.

What about divorce? If you know that you are way more attracted to men, how does that leave you with your wife? Are you attracted to her? You have kids, so i assume you have sex, or did. Do you not have much sex with your wife? Do you think that the nature of your sex life with your wife affects your interest in men?

I don't want to divorce her, and yet, I don't want us both to "settle" simply because that's the easiest thing to do. As I stated previously, there IS still attraction there, but we rarely have sex anymore. Most of this is due to my lack of desire for heterosexual sex, but not entirely. She has her own issues which I'm not going to share here.

I imagine the sex situation is a bit of a Catch-22. I probably have homo sex on the brain so much because we currently have very little sex, and we have very little sex in large part because my desire for heterosexual sex is so low.

We used to have pretty hot and fairly frequent sex, especially in the beginning--of course, that's the norm. My sexual experience up to that point was very limited. I had had sex with one other girlfriend who I had lived with for a year (in sin!), and several random hook ups with random guys, all very rushed and including only oral, at the most.So...when we first started having sex (about a month into dating), it was actually exciting and (fairly) fulfilling. At least to me it was, as I had very little experience at the time.

Then kids, careers, life in general...it all slowed down. You guys know the drill.

You said that your wife knows about your bi nature, right? What does she know or not know? How do you deal with that?

My wife was originally told I was gay, before we even met, by a mutual friend. Without really going into the details, lets just say that it was more a case of this friend projecting her own issues onto me, since at that time I was very confident that I was bi, not gay. (Turns out she actually may have been right though!)

Anyway, upon our meeting, we were both mutually physically attracted to each other. I can honestly say that I did not have to play mind games with myself in order to feel that way--she was hot! She thought I was too...to bad I was gay.

I spent a lot of time convincing Karen (and now I realize, myself) that I was NOT gay, that I was bisexual and comfortable with it, and that she would have no worries with me. Eventually, she accepted that.

The thing is, I was lying to myself, and of course to her by extension.

When I look back now, it's very clear. What I wanted to be the truth was NOT the truth, and so I set about MAKING it the truth.

It's amazing to me the things that our minds will do to believe our own lies. I continued to look exclusively at gay porn, and still had the hots for guys. On a day to day basis, the ONLY chick that really caught my eye was Karen.

As the years have passed, I've somehow hidden my level of attraction for men from her, because she generally seems oblivious about it. However, my gut strongly says she has repressed her concerns.

Is it your ideal solution to have a dual-life, in which you stay married but have male sex on the side? It seems like that is the path so many of the bloggers take, especially those who, as you say, are more oriented towards men than women, I suspect. But, if you go down that road, isn't it likely to lead to more problems? Is it worth the risk to live the dual life?

This is where the rubber meets the road. What do I want?

Irrespective of her feelings...yes, this is what part of me wants. I desire male intimacy so badly that my honest answer is yes, this desire is so strong that at times, I am willing to risk it all.

The halfway point has been to repress myself forever, then eventually the need of it becomes overwhelming, yet I still don't really want to "cheat"...so I slowly work up to cruising, and eventually...

My fantasy is a FWB situation, but  that fantasy does not include the collateral damage that would ensue should it become a reality, and then blow up in my face someday.

Are you able to see yourself staying married even though you're in a situation that doesn't suit you?

What's odd is I actually can. This probably, now that I think about it, comes from my training as a PK. Putting other needs before my own, ect.

With that being said, however, it's only been recently that I have become brave enough to begin honestly facing my issues. I do know that I still love her very much, and the thought of breaking up my little family kills me.

For you, though, it sounds like you're feeling that you made the wrong choice, in marrying a woman. Is that correct?

I don't know if I can say that. We've had some truly great times together. Excluding the topic at hand, we really do "get" each other. We are best friends. And of course, the biggest one--THE KIDS! WE made those beautiful little things, together. I cannot call them the result of a wrong choice.

You say you are way more attracted to men. You didn't give a percentage. But, would you think it's fair to call yourself gay? Are you only slightly interested in women and very interested in men?

At this point I'm still trying to figure this part out. I would guess that I'm bi with an 80/20 spread towards the dudes. (Did I use that terminology correctly? I'm sooooooo not a sporty guy.) My general sexual attraction is for men, but certain women do get me going at times. That is rare, to be honest, but it does occasionally happen.

What I don't get about myself is that I actually LOVE going down on my wife. Sometimes a 69 is more hot to me than actual sex! Every truly gay man I have ever met would not go within a country mile of that "nasty tuna taco" (actual gay quote, but not about my wife!).

So, I don't know. I've been thinking about the whole "label" thing a lot lately. Have you guys ever heard the term "heteroflexible"? It's being used by guys who are straight, but are open to new experiences with men and feel no shame in doing so.

I'm thinking maybe...homoflexible? Generally gay but open to a roll in the hay with the fairer sex every so often?

We'll see...