I've been up most of the night facing down the old demons, so a forewarning: probable sharp curves, steep inclines and disjointed writing ahead.
Lately, I have had the hots for my wife.
Sexually, we've been in a long dry spell for quite awhile, both of us wanting to fix it with no success. Well, her wanting to fix it, and me wanting to fix it and also wanting to have sex with men. Wonder what the problem has been?
Since my vasectomy last May, we have had sex twice. Both times, both of us walked away frustrated and dissatisfied.
Last night, Karen and I made love for the first time in 2012.
I actually had desire for her, and it showed. It wasn't the best fuck we've ever given each other, but it was definitely a good one! After so long of wondering if even "good" was possible, I'll take it.
Anyway, with all of my kevetching here on the blog, I have attempted to discover and address my most naked feelings regarding my wife and my own sexuality.
Please allow me to interrupt myself for just a moment to explain something about...myself.
Several years ago I went on anti-anxiety/depression medication. The difference in my mental and emotional health before and after doing so have been nothing short of remarkable. Before, I could not speak my mind or vent my feelings well at all: after, I have no problems, generally speaking.
In addition, I grew up with a mom who suppressed her own wants and desires for her family and the ministry. She lived in resentment of it, and punished us in myriad ways for it. Not all of the time, but she definitely had bad days. When angry, she was quietly terrifying. She could hold anger for a very long time--I remember her not speaking to my dad for literally days on end.
This is what I come from, both nature and nurture.
There is much more than that, but the bottom line for this topic is that at this point in my life, if something is stuck in my craw...it must come out.
Since Karen and I are best friends, hiding all of myself from her has made me feel alone...very, very alone. Of course, it has also caused quite a bit of distance between us.
Last night, I attempted to bridge that gap.
To be continued...