We each sat on our sides of the bed. I stared into my lap as the tears continued to silently fall.
"I need to ask you something" she said quietly, "and you have to be honest with me." I looked up at her.
Her face was resolute, touched with fear and...yes. I saw anger there.
We looked into each others eyes. Truth only, Sean. You owe her that. You owe yourself that.
"What...is your primary sexual preference?"
I looked away, staring at nothing. Honesty.
I turned my head back to her, and I answered...
She shook her head as she turned away from me, turning to sit on the edge of the bed, burying her face in her hands. She started to sob, which continued for a couple of minutes until she suddenly stood up and ran to the bathroom. I could hear her vomiting.
After a few minutes she walked back in and sat back down. She wouldn't look at me. "So now what?"
So now what, indeed.
I did not want to break up my family, but I had to be honest with myself and with her, come what may.
She spoke up again. "What do you want?"
"I don't know". Out came the honest answer, immediately. "I don't know what I want."
She looked at me, sad but firm.
"I'm sorry then...but I can't do this."
The above was how I originally was going to write this part out. (None of the above was fiction, by the way.) Perhaps this is my little stab at some melodramatic romance novelization of a very serious personal situation. Yeah, that sounds like me--gay as shit, and making light of something serious at the same time. Even so, I wish I could continue to write this out like this, but meh... I'm calling bullshit on myself. Perhaps if I lived in an alternate universe where I had tons of time and cared more about how I write things than how I live them, but alas, I'm stuck here in this one for now.
I'll just super condense it for now, and spit out more details as I can. The bottom line is this:
We remembered who WE were before the bullshit started. We dug down to why it started. I realized that I had actually always been confused by my level of attraction to Karen, since I was usually into guys. Because of that, I quickly sabotaged what we had in my own mind, which of course lead to reality quickly following. That I had been too afraid to really look at my level of attraction to men vs. women in fear of losing her AND being forced to realize I might be gay and not bi.
In the middle of all that honesty, I almost lost her, and it was like a flash, an epiphany went off in my head, in my heart, in my soul....what was I saying? What was I doing? I thought back to the beginning, before the lies, and doubts and walls and the rest of it. About how I felt that connection with her from the moment we met. How that sexual spark WAS there, and it was great, and it was real, despite my general homo attractions. I thought of all this and realized I wanted HER. Could we make it work sexually again? I didn't know, but wasn't it worth trying for?
Basically, I (and we) faced these things down and we reconnected very, very deeply. Actually, I feel like we've connected for the first time ever.
It wasn't all about me. She had her own insecurities that she had to face. Much of it comes from before she knew me, and my hiding things made it worse. She had to decide if she could trust me, could forgive me, and could trust and forgive herself for her part. She had to KNOW that she is the one I want in every way, not just because we love each other and have kids. And much more...
With all this said, we are all adults here. We know that sex is the bottom line in regards to this little story. Love isn't enough if we are both really going to be fulfilled.
We have had sex for the past three nights in a row. That is actually the first time EVER for us. We even woke up in the middle of the night the night before last for another round!
After the talk, it became absolutely electric. We both are like horndoggy teenagers. We can't get enough of each other! No desperation to get me off...just really great, passionate sex.
And I'm not thinking about guys when I'm with her. I was so afraid that I would be...and that's not to say that guys aren't hot anymore. But when I'm with her, I'm WITH her--for the first time ever.
It's hard not to discount or at least question all of this because I've been fucked up over this shit my whole life. Thinking that I might actually have a handle on who I am is very new, and I'm not sure how to just accept it yet. I DO know that I don't expect my male desires to go away. I am a bisexual man, forever and always. In fact we talked about that. She understands that these things are a part of my sexuality and repressing them only makes it worse. Not that I'm to cheat, but my alone time is my alone time, and she knows that will more than likely include male fantasies. I have permission! And now that I do have that...so far anyway...I'm thinking of her. Still confusing...but...I'm going with it.
Will this be happily ever after? I don't know, but I'm extremely hopeful for the first time in my life that it's possible. It certainly feels right, and not forced.
I can't see the future, but I do know what I can see right here, right now.
And right here, right now, for the first time in my life...it's good.