Thursday, February 2, 2012

In Time?

As the years have passed, I've somehow hidden my level of attraction for men from her, because she generally seems oblivious about it. However, my gut strongly says she has repressed her concerns.

Last night, the Mrs and I watched "In Time", starring the incomparable acting talents of Justin Timberlake and Amanda Seyfried.

Actually, I was mildly impressed with Mr. Timberlake's performance. Not so bad for a former boy bander, and he's quite easy on the eyes. Not really my type, but still.

Ms. Seyfried is so fucking hot that I actually feel straight when I look at her. Her acting chops are mediocre in my opinion, but DAMMMNNNN... that face! That body! Exactly my (female) type.

Anywho, a scene came on where JT strips down to jump in the ocean. Off comes the shirt. Mmmmm. The pants get unbuckled. He starts sliding them down...

...and cut to Amanda.

"Damn!", I hear from my right (echoing my thought).

I turn my head, glaring at my wife.

"And just WHAT, may I ask, was THAT?"

She grinned sheepishly. "What? I know you think SHE is hot."

"Well yeah I do...but I wouldn't have minded seeing him too."

She suddenly looks disturbed, like I've said something verboten. Not deeply disturbed, but almost...childish? Silly but serious?

This irritated me a bit. "Hello, have we met before? I'm bisexual."

She looked at her hands. "I know", she said, "but I don't like it when know..."

We got caught back up in the movie, and I let it go...but there it is.

The problem is, this is actually my fault. Like everything, I suppose.

You see, early in our relationship and marriage, she caught me looking at gay porn a couple of times. Karen has insecurity issues anyway, and she was very upset about it. Her fear and rage combined were truly something to behold.

My reaction was what fucked it up. I should have sat down with her and been TRULY honest, but I was incapable of even being honest with myself at the time. What I could have and should have done was remind her that, yes, I am bisexual, and fulfilling that side of me while maintaining my fidelity to her was not only to be expected as a man, but was also healthy. Comfort and reassure, but insist that this is a part of who I am and I should not be made to feel guilty about it.

Instead, I reacted with my head bowed in shame, profusely apologizing, both of us crying as she continued to berate and interrogate me.

I now realize that I reacted the way I did because of the deeper truth that I was unwilling or unable to face.

The deeper truth was that, despite my external and internal insistence that I was open and enlightened regarding my sexuality, I was actually still extremely repressed. The truth was I wanted to be with a man, that I was already cheating on her with men in my mind, that I had in fact cheated on her once while engaged.

And she reacted the way she did out of justified insecurity, justified fear, justified hurt...

I fucked it up. As a result, a monster lurks beneath our happy little life. A monster of my own creation, and at this point, she has convinced herself that it doesn't exist.

I fucked it up.


  1. You reacted as most of us would. The thing is, I don't understand why you're beating yourself up about it now. What's done is done; you can't change the past.

    Instead of abusing yourself you should be pretty damn proud that you chose to be more honest this time. Speaking up was quite brave, considering that you knew it would get under her skin.

    This may set you up for a series of difficult conversations but those will ultimately put you both in a better place.

    Good job!

  2. Wow! I think you are on to something, Sean. Looking back I think my wife was like that - in denial that I was different, despite all the signs. It kind of makes me wonder that if I had stayed on the down low, I could have gotten away with all sorts of things because she could not stand to believe the truth. It would have been a hell of a way to live.

    I'm glad I didn't stay to find out, despite the opportunity to have my cake and eat it too. We had become codependent so it was good to break out of that, plus I wouldn't be with my sweet man like I am now.

  3. I want to have my cake and eat it too, and yet again I don't. I live in confusing times. I'm really happy you've found true happiness Paul.

    Thanks Cameron! Unfortunately, beating myself up is second nature. Also, I'm just now figuring this out and being honest with myself for the first time. I confuse myself!