I've really been blown away by the concern a lot of you guys have shown me over the past couple of days. I'm in a better head space today--maybe breaking down like that yesterday was needed. Such a drama queen, sheesh!
I've also realized that I've inadvertently left out some details to this sad, silly saga, because many of of you are asking me similar questions. So, I'm going to attempt to better explain myself here in the blog, and in the process, hopefully figure this out a little better myself.
One guy in particular, who wishes to remain anonymous, really worded these questions in a way that seem, to me, to get to the heart of things. I'm going to repost them and answer as honestly as I know how.
Can you explain how you know that you're interested in a gay relationship? Is it because you are sexually attracted to men that much that you just want to live it out on a daily basis?
This one is difficult to explain, probably because I haven't figured it out yet.
I love my wife, and she loves me. Love isn't the problem. The problem is that while I am still somewhat sexually attracted to her, my most primal attraction is for men. I have yearned, for as long as I can remember, for an emotional and sexual connection with a man. However, I didn't really realize the depth of this desire until fairly recently. I was never really honest with myself, and therefore, not honest with her.
I don't know if I want to "live it out" on a day to day basis. The thought of doing so thrills me (because I feel I would finally be true to myself), but mostly terrifies me (for many reasons). Most importantly, the cost for MY (potential) internal happiness would come at a terrible cost to hers--at least initially.
What about divorce? If you know that you are way more attracted to men, how does that leave you with your wife? Are you attracted to her? You have kids, so i assume you have sex, or did. Do you not have much sex with your wife? Do you think that the nature of your sex life with your wife affects your interest in men?
I don't want to divorce her, and yet, I don't want us both to "settle" simply because that's the easiest thing to do. As I stated previously, there IS still attraction there, but we rarely have sex anymore. Most of this is due to my lack of desire for heterosexual sex, but not entirely. She has her own issues which I'm not going to share here.
I imagine the sex situation is a bit of a Catch-22. I probably have homo sex on the brain so much because we currently have very little sex, and we have very little sex in large part because my desire for heterosexual sex is so low.
We used to have pretty hot and fairly frequent sex, especially in the beginning--of course, that's the norm. My sexual experience up to that point was very limited. I had had sex with one other girlfriend who I had lived with for a year (in sin!), and several random hook ups with random guys, all very rushed and including only oral, at the most.So...when we first started having sex (about a month into dating), it was actually exciting and (fairly) fulfilling. At least to me it was, as I had very little experience at the time.
Then kids, careers, life in general...it all slowed down. You guys know the drill.
You said that your wife knows about your bi nature, right? What does she know or not know? How do you deal with that?
My wife was originally told I was gay, before we even met, by a mutual friend. Without really going into the details, lets just say that it was more a case of this friend projecting her own issues onto me, since at that time I was very confident that I was bi, not gay. (Turns out she actually may have been right though!)
Anyway, upon our meeting, we were both mutually physically attracted to each other. I can honestly say that I did not have to play mind games with myself in order to feel that way--she was hot! She thought I was too...to bad I was gay.
I spent a lot of time convincing Karen (and now I realize, myself) that I was NOT gay, that I was bisexual and comfortable with it, and that she would have no worries with me. Eventually, she accepted that.
The thing is, I was lying to myself, and of course to her by extension.
When I look back now, it's very clear. What I wanted to be the truth was NOT the truth, and so I set about MAKING it the truth.
It's amazing to me the things that our minds will do to believe our own lies. I continued to look exclusively at gay porn, and still had the hots for guys. On a day to day basis, the ONLY chick that really caught my eye was Karen.
As the years have passed, I've somehow hidden my level of attraction for men from her, because she generally seems oblivious about it. However, my gut strongly says she has repressed her concerns.
Is it your ideal solution to have a dual-life, in which you stay married but have male sex on the side? It seems like that is the path so many of the bloggers take, especially those who, as you say, are more oriented towards men than women, I suspect. But, if you go down that road, isn't it likely to lead to more problems? Is it worth the risk to live the dual life?
This is where the rubber meets the road. What do I want?
Irrespective of her feelings...yes, this is what part of me wants. I desire male intimacy so badly that my honest answer is yes, this desire is so strong that at times, I am willing to risk it all.
The halfway point has been to repress myself forever, then eventually the need of it becomes overwhelming, yet I still don't really want to "cheat"...so I slowly work up to cruising, and eventually...
My fantasy is a FWB situation, but that fantasy does not include the collateral damage that would ensue should it become a reality, and then blow up in my face someday.
Are you able to see yourself staying married even though you're in a situation that doesn't suit you?
What's odd is I actually can. This probably, now that I think about it, comes from my training as a PK. Putting other needs before my own, ect.
With that being said, however, it's only been recently that I have become brave enough to begin honestly facing my issues. I do know that I still love her very much, and the thought of breaking up my little family kills me.
For you, though, it sounds like you're feeling that you made the wrong choice, in marrying a woman. Is that correct?
I don't know if I can say that. We've had some truly great times together. Excluding the topic at hand, we really do "get" each other. We are best friends. And of course, the biggest one--THE KIDS! WE made those beautiful little things, together. I cannot call them the result of a wrong choice.
You say you are way more attracted to men. You didn't give a percentage. But, would you think it's fair to call yourself gay? Are you only slightly interested in women and very interested in men?
At this point I'm still trying to figure this part out. I would guess that I'm bi with an 80/20 spread towards the dudes. (Did I use that terminology correctly? I'm sooooooo not a sporty guy.) My general sexual attraction is for men, but certain women do get me going at times. That is rare, to be honest, but it does occasionally happen.
What I don't get about myself is that I actually LOVE going down on my wife. Sometimes a 69 is more hot to me than actual sex! Every truly gay man I have ever met would not go within a country mile of that "nasty tuna taco" (actual gay quote, but not about my wife!).
So, I don't know. I've been thinking about the whole "label" thing a lot lately. Have you guys ever heard the term "heteroflexible"? It's being used by guys who are straight, but are open to new experiences with men and feel no shame in doing so.
I'm thinking maybe...homoflexible? Generally gay but open to a roll in the hay with the fairer sex every so often?