Been thinking about sexuality a lot lately...well, more than usual. It's so strange, the masks so many wear, to hide their true faces. You could say I'm still wearing one. Yet, if bisexuality truly exists, wouldn't I simply be donning a different mask if I were to be with a man?
Maybe. But really, societal norms being what they are, and if I'm being truly honest with myself, the basic fact is, as a rule, I am more attracted to men than I am to women--therefore, even though I'm hot for my wife, it is really the mask of straightness that I chose to wear all those years ago.
Am I still hiding?
I don't feel like I am. In fact I feel more open and bare to my soul with those who are closest to me--and with myself-- than I ever have.
Yet, old doubts remain. I guess this shit doesn't happen overnight. I'm still not looking to cheat on my wife--yay! But I worry about it happening again. So far I feel fulfilled with her and if I want to be with a guy, I jack off to that fantasy and I feel fulfilled there too.
Will this always be enough? I sure hope so--I'm not a good cheater. Too much internal anguish and guilt. So, I can honestly say that it is for now...I just hope it lasts and I don't go fucking shit up again.