Been thinking about sexuality a lot lately...well, more than usual. It's so strange, the masks so many wear, to hide their true faces. You could say I'm still wearing one. Yet, if bisexuality truly exists, wouldn't I simply be donning a different mask if I were to be with a man?
Maybe. But really, societal norms being what they are, and if I'm being truly honest with myself, the basic fact is, as a rule, I am more attracted to men than I am to women--therefore, even though I'm hot for my wife, it is really the mask of straightness that I chose to wear all those years ago.
Am I still hiding?
I don't feel like I am. In fact I feel more open and bare to my soul with those who are closest to me--and with myself-- than I ever have.
Yet, old doubts remain. I guess this shit doesn't happen overnight. I'm still not looking to cheat on my wife--yay! But I worry about it happening again. So far I feel fulfilled with her and if I want to be with a guy, I jack off to that fantasy and I feel fulfilled there too.
Will this always be enough? I sure hope so--I'm not a good cheater. Too much internal anguish and guilt. So, I can honestly say that it is for now...I just hope it lasts and I don't go fucking shit up again.
You have to figure out what works for you and that will take time.
ReplyDeleteI'd discourage you from thinking in terms of masks. Masks are for hiding and hiding causes guilt and anxiety.
Straight men don't usually discuss how much porn they watch with their wives. Is their discretion a mask?
You are who you are. You've been honest with your wife. You have nothing of consequence to feel bad about, so, give yourself a break!
Thanks Cameron. I'm just thinking out loud really. Navel-gazer to the extreme! Lol
ReplyDeleteI am quite sure that this will be an on-going challenge. One's sexuality evolves and changes as we age. And this is just my opinion, but for bi married guys, I think their attraction to men gets stronger as they move from their mid 30s to their 50s.
ReplyDeleteYeah Buddy, I worry about all that. My plan is to burn that bridge when I get there. Lol.
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog, Sean. We have very similar stories. I've been married for 25 years to a wonderful woman who knows and accepts me for who I am. The key has been honesty and fidelity, and it sounds like you're on the right track. Hopefully you and Karen will find ways to talk about this in every day conversation, but take that at her speed. I agree with Buddy, the feelings seem more intense the older I get. The best thing we ever did, though was to visit a marriage counselor. We didn't look for a christian counselor, but rather one who specialized in our kind of marriage. She didn't have a mission to fix me, she wanted to help both of us learn to communicate and express ourselves safely. I'm looking forward to seeing how things go for you!
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