You think you see demons? I think you are the demon...
Ok, so was my last post emo enough for you? Boo hoo...
Anyway, it felt good to get that off the ole chest. Time to man back up I suppress...I mean suppose...
I think my dilemma is boiling down to this:
1. I love my wife and enjoy her companionship.
2. I'm definitely bisexual, as opposed to outright gay. However, my general attraction is definitely more towards men.
3. I want to be straight enough to stay with her and be able to form a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship with her.
4. I am not confident, even if I can remain "straight enough" to perform for her, that it will be sexually (and perhaps emotionally?) fulfilling enough for me.
These are my demons. Not all of them of course--just the bigger ones I'm dealing with here in this blog.
Of course, according to how I was raised, what I'm really dealing with is an actual, literal demon that has possessed me as a young child.
You know what really bugs me? On some level I actually wonder if it's true.
"WHAT?!?!"--My rational mind
Yep. There it is, the result of Christian Brainwashing. It's a wonderful legacy, really. I'm so proud.
I'm truly not being hyperbolic or melodramatic, by the way. Here's a quote I heard repeated by my dad many times from the pulpit:
"Brainwash your kids with the Word of God!"
Oh, Dad. I know you meant well, you really did.
He would then go on to explain that he meant that quite literally. "Brainwash those little suckers!" he would say with a grin, to widespread chuckles.
And he actually did succeed for quite some time. But how well prepared do you think we probably were for dealing with the real world?
Exactly.
I'm almost nothing like I was back then, for almost all intents and purposes, and almost all to the positive, if I do say so myself. But it's been a long and hard road at times.
Yet internally, I'm constantly plagued with doubt. And I'm very embarrassed to admit this, but oh well:
What if, somehow, I'm wrong, and I really have allowed a (gay gasp!) gay demon to live inside me?
Ugh. Ok. I really don't believe that for various reasons, the largest being God has had ample opportunity to go all Ghostbusters on my ass for years, especially back when I begged him to do so, ad nauseam.
But there it is, in the back of my mind, gnawing at me.
Like a little demon.
Is it in the back of your mind or up front? A good test may be what is going through your mind that brings you to climax when you are with your wife. Most likely it isn't so spontaneous any more. You are thinking - fantasyzing - about something. In my case, it was when I realized that it was mental images of men that got me off with my wife, that I knew the demon was really up close and personal.
ReplyDeleteI don't really want to get into a spiritual discussion here, but I believe that every one of us lives in a world we create through our perception. (pretty deep for a guy that just likes shallow hook-ups, right?)
ReplyDeleteIf you believe you've got a gay demon inside of you, then whether anyone else believes it or not, is irrelevant. I think every one has their own personal demons, and just because your demons don't exist for me doesn't mean they don't exist for you.
Hopefully, you can cast them out, or shake them off, or learn to live with them.
Well sex is not common right now, but when it happens I almost always have to fantasize about men in order to get off. So there it is--the ugly truth.
ReplyDeleteAnd Jack--I do NOT believe that I have a literal demon. That's too renaissance for this man!
The thing that got to me in my journey was coming to realize how much I was hurting my wife by not being who she needed me to be: a straight husband who was in love with her emotionally and physically. I came to realize that while I thought I was doing the right thing, I was actually causing damage. It was a huge wake-up call to me.
ReplyDeleteYour numbers 3 and 4 above are exactly how I felt for so long. "I want to be straight 'enough'..." The question that my counselor used to rock my world was this: "What if you never can be?" Yikes.
(((Hug))) It is a very rough journey and I feel for all you are going through.