Still Alive

Still happy with the wife. That is all.

Still Kicking

Firstly, thanks to all of you who posted words of concern. I was truly touched, and I'm sorry I haven't updated.

Fuck Wellbutrin. Fuck it right in the ear.

I'm much better now. Dear sweet Mother of Jesus, that was HORRIBLE!!

I haven't felt like that since before I went on Paxil, years ago.

Still smoking, goddammit.

Will write more asap.

Peace and Love.

Rock Bottom

I'm a smoker. I've always b

een ashamed of it and frequently hide it, to the point that many people are shocked when they find out. I've quit numerous times, and for many years I smoked 5 or less cigarettes per day. But...still a smoker.

A few months ago, my doctor put me on Wellbutrin to help me quit.

I think it's making me crazy. Er.

If you have experience with antidepressants, then you know it takes weeks or months to know if and how it's affecting you. Last week, I started to realize...

I'm having wild mood swings. Giggly and happy, then sullen and angry.

Withdrawn from family and friends.

Low libido. It's rare that I even beat off anymore. Porn does next to nothing for me.

Sleepy all the time.

And...thoughts of suicide. I didn't even want to write that, but it's true.

Now, if there is anyone out there that actually still reads this dumb thing, and gives half a shit, DON'T FREAK OUT!! I'm not about to off myself. I adore my children too much to do that to them. Not to mention my wife, who by shear force of will would raise me from the dead for the express purpose of kicking my ass and then dispatching me to the lowest levels of hell. And then there's extended family, friends, etc.

But if I'm being honest, in my current state, those are the people that are stopping me. The only  reasons why.

I did not take the pill this morning. I'm calling my doc today.

Say a prayer, if you believe in such things.

Mike The Man, Part 2

Turns out, Mike also has some level of same gender attraction. Giggity? Well, he downplays it considerably...and I can't tell if he really isn't that into guys, or if he has lied to himself his whole life, or if he Is afraid of my reaction if he were to admit it.

He finds my attraction to him to be flattering. We flirt quite a bit, but he won't allow more than that. He cracks jokes about me or us when others aren't around, which makes me feel good. His way of saying I'm ok, and that he's ok with me. We actually had to cut back with the flirting because it means more to me and I started to...well...crush on him.

It doesn't help that he is very physically attractive to me.

Also, I've felt no less desire for my wife, which confused me at first. I guess I'm discovering what it means to truly be bi...i dunno. But I certainly have no desire to leave her.
Yet Mike remains intriguing. And, a very good friend. It's a bit of a balancing act, but of course that's old hat for me...

For now, I'm feeling fulfilled. Would sex with Mike be hot as fuck? Probably. But I'm not burning with desire about it, and actually I feel really fulfilled by his friendship. I don't see the need to risk a good friendship, and a good marriage, just to get my rocks off.

Still a balancing act though.

Mike The Man, Part 1

My life is insane.

Things continue to go great with a Karen. I know that's boring to read, but it's the truth! Sex life and relationship continue to improve, generally speaking. Highs and lows like any couple but generally the highs dominate and the lows are not nearly what they used to be. Sweet!

Have I been tempted outside of marriage, you ask?

Goddammit. Yes.

Really unforseen circumstance, but I've been a good boy, I have!

Don't remember if I mentioned my buddy Mike at work. Very cool guy and good friend. Going through second divorce, 5 kids. Straight, but...my gaydar has always blipped around him. Not full tilt, mind you...just a blip. But it's there.

So, I decided to take a chance and share with him. Specifically, that I'm bi, and the recent events that have brought me to where I am now. His reaction?

Totally cool! Not an issue at all. In fact...

I also kinda laid it out...that I've never really had a male best bud who knew me totally, and accepted that. And that I was looking for that with him.

He responded by saying that he didn't have a best bud either, also wanted that, and that I pretty much was his bff at this point.

Oh my GOD! YAY!

So, it's been very cool.

However...the subsequent flirting got a bit out of hand...

Rut roh raggy!

'Ello, Love!

Yellow, everyone! Haven't had much to write about for awhile, but I suppose some updates are in order.

Things with Karen continue to be great! Our sex life keeps getting better and better. I don't know wtf happened, but now, I can't get enough. She has actually complained about me wearing her out and needing a break!

I still find it odd, to desire and enjoy straight sex so much. Whatever! It's been really fulfilling for us both. And fun.

All that being said, I'm still very bi, even though the old 80/20 percentage doesn't feel like it applies most days. And the strangest development happened with my best buddy at work...

In Hiding?

Been thinking about sexuality a lot lately...well, more than usual. It's so strange, the masks so many wear, to hide their true faces. You could say I'm still wearing one. Yet, if bisexuality truly exists, wouldn't I simply be donning a different mask if I were to be with a man?

Maybe. But really, societal norms being what they are, and if I'm being truly honest with myself, the basic fact is, as a rule, I am more attracted to men than I am to women--therefore, even though I'm hot for my wife, it is really the mask of straightness that I chose to wear all those years ago.

Am I still hiding?

I don't feel like I am. In fact I feel more open and bare to my soul with those who are closest to me--and with myself-- than I ever have.

Yet, old doubts remain. I guess this shit doesn't happen overnight. I'm still not looking to cheat on my wife--yay! But I worry about it happening again. So far I feel fulfilled with her and if I want to be with a guy, I jack off to that fantasy and I feel fulfilled there too.  

Will this always be enough? I sure hope so--I'm not a good cheater.  Too much internal anguish and guilt. So, I can honestly say that it is for now...I just hope it lasts and I don't go fucking shit up again.

Everybody Knows

Tell me now if you came sneaking up behind
Would you know me and see behind the smile
I can change like colors on a wall
Hoping no one else will find what lies beneath it all
I think I hide it all so well

Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won't forget my name
That's the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows

Looking through the crowd
I search for something else
But every time I turn around
I run into myself
Here I stand
Consumed with my surroundings
Just another day
Of everybody looking
I swore they'd never see me cry
You'll never see me cry

Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won't forget my name
That's the way we play this game of life
Everybody knows

You say I'll pay the price
That's the chance that I'll take
Though you may think I'm telling lies...
But I just call it getting by

Stepping out, everyone can see my face
All the things I can't erase from my life
Everybody knows
Standing out so you won't forget my name
That's the way we play this game of life

Everybody knows...

I'm just barely getting by...

Updates

Hey everyone. Haven't written lately obviously. Lots of good things thus far going on!

You know, if I were sitting out there on the internet, reading what I have wrote so far, you know what I would honestly think?

"Bullshit. Climb back out of the closet you just stepped back into, SEAN!!"

Frankly, I can't believe it myself. For the first few days after The Talk, I was in complete shock. I couldn't believe things had worked out so well. I mean, reading what I wrote, it's easy to see how fucked in the head I was, how afraid of being gay I was, how afraid I was to break up my family, how afraid I was to really face the truth, whatever it would turn out to be.

Afraid, afraid, afraid. Fear, fear, fear.

Aren't we all tired of living in fear? Of ourselves?

Nope, no more of that for me. I'm full up, thanks.

So what happened?

Turns out, I'm NOT gay. And no, I'm not straight either. I'm definitely bi.

What I mean is, you know what I realized? That I'm...BISEXUAL. You know what that means? I like dudes. They're hot. But guess what else that means?

I also like women. They are also hot. Giggity!

What I'm saying is this. I spent my life mind-fucking myself over being attracted to men. Yet I've always been sexually attracted to women as well, even if it was less than to men. I think, because of my upbringing, I focused so much worrying about the homo side of things that I almost KILLED my hetero side.

All things considered, I admit that killing an approximation of 20% heteroness isn't exactly difficult. And yeah, if I had been raised differently, I would have went gay, almost for sure.

But I was raised the way I was raised. And despite the twists and turns and heartache that have led me here...I'm here. With her.

I'm honestly thankful for that.

I'm seeing things so much clearer now. I know the journey is still long, and for guys like me, always difficult. I know, BELIEVE me.

But I believe in what we have. My heart is hers, my mind is hers. I'm no longer tempted to stray.

Will that always be the case? I doubt it. I'm only human...but things are different now. I believe in myself, and in what I have with her.

Things with her are really, REALLY good. Why would I throw that away? Why would I throw US away?

Thank you God, for the good things.

And to hell with the rest!

Baby, Hold On...

I come from a large musical family. We have many musicians, and just about all of us can sing. (Got a few cousins who can't. They feel left out.)

Anyway, in my family, music is in our hearts and souls. Lyrics too--we also have quite a few poets and songwriters.

Country music is a big part of my roots, but normally I'm a rock kinda guy. Actually, I like all sorts of music...but sometimes, I'm embarrassed to admit, country really does move me. So...I'm an artsy fartsy half fag who likes some hick music. Sue me.

The point is, I love music, and certain songs really speak to me. The song below has been a favorite of mine and Karen's for a long time...but now it takes on a  WHOLE new meaning. Dixie Chicks again...don't know why, but they speak to me.

Gay as shit? Yes. Do I give a fuck? Not anymore.

"Baby Hold On"

Hey, it might never be the same We might never live those days gone by
But we can try

Good morning
Let's kick the babies out of bed How bout you and me instead hanging on
Not up and gone

(Baby, hold on) Let's start this over
(Baby, hold on) We're not much older now
(Baby, hold on) If you still see what I see
Keep holding on
Hold on to me

Baby, it's good to see you smile again
I know we can't escape
So let's pretend
We're someplace else

It's a new day
Let's look at all we've got
It's everything we thought
We ever wanted
It's beautiful

(Baby, hold on)
Let's start this over
(Baby, hold on)
We're not much older now
(Baby, hold on)
If you still see what I see
Keep holding on
Hold on to me

I look across the room and catch you staring at me
And see the love we almost left behind
So lead me by the hand and let's make up
Let's make up for lost time....

Baby hold on...

The Talk, Part III

We each sat on our sides of the bed. I stared into my lap as the tears continued to silently fall.

"I need to ask you something" she said quietly, "and you have to be honest with me." I looked up at her.

Her face was resolute, touched with fear and...yes. I saw anger there.

We looked into each others eyes. Truth only, Sean. You owe her that. You owe yourself that.

"What...is your primary sexual preference?"

Fuck me.

I looked away, staring at nothing. Honesty.

I turned my head back to her, and I answered...

"To men."

She shook her head as she turned away from me, turning to sit on the edge of the bed, burying her face in her hands. She started to sob, which continued for a couple of minutes until she suddenly stood up and ran to the bathroom. I could hear her vomiting.

After a few minutes she walked back in and sat back down. She wouldn't look at me. "So now what?"

So now what, indeed.

I did not want to break up my family, but I had to be honest with myself and with her, come what may.

She spoke up again. "What do you want?"

"I don't know". Out came the honest answer, immediately. "I don't know what I want."

She looked at me, sad but firm.

"I'm sorry then...but I can't do this."

*****

The above was how I originally was going to write this part out. (None of the above was fiction, by the way.) Perhaps this is my little stab at some melodramatic romance novelization of a very serious personal situation. Yeah, that sounds like me--gay as shit, and making light of something serious at the same time.  Even so, I wish I could continue to write this out like this, but meh... I'm calling bullshit on myself.  Perhaps if I lived in an alternate universe where I had tons of time and cared more about how I write things than how I live them, but alas, I'm stuck here in this one for now.

I'll just super condense it for now, and spit out more details as I can. The bottom line is this:

We remembered who WE were before the bullshit started. We dug down to why it started. I realized that I had actually always been confused by my level of attraction to Karen, since I was usually into guys. Because of that, I quickly sabotaged what we had in my own mind, which of course lead to reality quickly following. That I had been too afraid to really look at my level of attraction to men vs. women in fear of losing her AND being forced to realize I might be gay and not bi.

In the middle of all that honesty, I almost lost her, and it was like a flash, an epiphany went off in my head, in my heart, in my soul....what was I saying? What was I doing? I thought back to the beginning, before the lies, and doubts and walls and the rest of it. About how I felt that connection with her from the moment we met. How that sexual spark WAS there, and it was great, and it was real, despite my general homo attractions. I thought of all this and realized I wanted HER. Could we make it work sexually again? I didn't know, but wasn't it worth trying for?

Basically, I (and we) faced these things down and we reconnected very, very deeply. Actually, I feel like we've connected for the first time ever.

It wasn't all about me. She had her own insecurities that she had to face. Much of it comes from before she knew me, and my hiding things made it worse. She had to decide if she could trust me, could forgive me, and could trust and forgive herself for her part. She had to KNOW that she  is the one I want in every way, not just because we love each other and have kids. And much more...

With all this said, we are all  adults here. We know that sex is the bottom line in regards to this little story. Love isn't enough if we are both really going to be fulfilled.

Well?

We have had sex for the past three nights in a row. That is actually the first time EVER for us. We even woke up in the middle of the night the night before last for another round!

After the talk, it became absolutely electric. We both are like horndoggy teenagers. We can't get enough of each other! No desperation to get me off...just really great, passionate sex.

And I'm not thinking about guys when I'm with her. I was so afraid that I would be...and that's not to say that guys aren't hot anymore. But when I'm with her, I'm WITH her--for the first time ever.

It's hard not to discount or at least question all of this because I've been fucked up over this shit my whole life. Thinking that I might actually have a handle on who I am is very new, and I'm not sure how to just accept it yet. I DO know that I don't expect my male desires to go away. I am a bisexual man, forever and always. In fact we talked about that. She understands that these things are a part of my sexuality and repressing them only makes it worse. Not that I'm to cheat, but my alone time is my alone time, and she knows that will more than likely include male fantasies. I have permission! And now that I do have that...so far anyway...I'm thinking of her. Still confusing...but...I'm going with it.

Will this be happily ever after? I don't know, but I'm extremely hopeful for the first time in my life that it's possible. It certainly feels right, and not forced.

I can't see the future, but I do know what I can see right here, right now.

And right here, right now, for the first time in my life...it's good.

The Talk, Part II

Hello everyone. It's been a crazy couple of days, to say the least. There is much to say without enough time to say it! I was going to write it all out, but I'm still processing it, and don't really have enough time right now anyway. I want to though, and I will probably do so soon.

I don't know what came over me--other than a lifetime of facing (or not facing) this shit down alone and scared. But starting this blog brought it all to a head, and apparently I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

It was an emotional roller coaster of a night, to be sure. It was the most scared and emotionally naked I have ever felt. I told her the truth about myself as I understand it---completely.

I told her how I'm almost exclusively physically attracted to men, with her being the main and basically only exception. How I didn't really figure that out until now, which meant that I hid behind a half truth, which only served to alienate and scare her. How she has in turn made me to feel ashamed and guilty of that side of me, which only made me hide it more, which only fueled her insecurities, which only made me repress myself further, which only scared her more and raised more suspicions...on and on, repeat for years and years...

I told her how I still, now, have a very deep emotional need for a intimate connection with a man, and have had it since I was a boy. How I have combined that need with my homosexual desires, when in fact they can be two separate things. How, as she already knew, I've never had a male best friend, and (this part was terrifying to say to HER) that at this point I'm afraid that I'll fall in love should he ever come along.

I told her how I stopped wanting her sexually after our connection started to fade, and as my only other preference besides her is for men, that is where I naturally started to look. I even told her that I very nearly tried to find a permanent FWB.

This conversation took many twists and turns, some of them pretty fucking scary. Because I had never spoken any this aloud, and was still figuring it out, I didn't have my usual way with words (I can be a smooth talker--and convincing liar-- if I want). My usual script was gone, and I was...just real. It was only by talking it out with her that we figured it out--together.

How did she take it? Beautifully well, my Karen, considering the magnitude of what was being said. She obviously had many questions that were very frightening for me to answer truthfully...but I did.

To be continued...

The Talk, Scene I

I've been up most of the night facing down the old demons, so a forewarning: probable sharp curves, steep inclines and disjointed writing ahead.

Lately, I have had the hots for my wife.

Sexually, we've been in a long dry spell for quite awhile, both of us wanting to fix it with no success. Well, her wanting to fix it, and me wanting to fix it and also wanting to have sex with men. Wonder what the problem has been?

Since my vasectomy last May, we have had sex twice. Both times, both of us walked away frustrated and dissatisfied.

Last night, Karen and I made love for the first time in 2012.

I actually had desire for her, and it showed. It wasn't the best fuck we've ever given each other, but it was definitely a good one! After so long of wondering if even "good" was possible, I'll take it.

Anyway, with all of my kevetching here on the blog, I have attempted to discover and address my most naked feelings regarding my wife and my own sexuality.

Please allow me to interrupt myself for just a moment to explain something about...myself.

Several years ago I went on anti-anxiety/depression medication. The difference in my mental and emotional health before and after doing so have been nothing short of remarkable. Before, I could not speak my mind or vent my feelings well at all: after, I have no problems, generally speaking.

In addition, I grew up with a mom who suppressed her own wants and desires for her family and the ministry. She lived in resentment of it, and punished us in myriad ways for it. Not all of the time, but she definitely had bad days. When angry, she was quietly terrifying. She could hold anger for a very long time--I remember her not speaking to my dad for literally days on end.

This is what I come from, both nature and nurture.

There is much more than that, but the bottom line for this topic is that at this point in my life, if something is stuck in my craw...it must come out.

Since Karen and I are best friends, hiding all of myself from her has made me feel alone...very, very alone. Of course, it has also caused quite a bit of distance between us.

Last night, I attempted to bridge that gap.

To be continued...

Truth

I came out to my wife last night.

Film at 11.

In Time?

As the years have passed, I've somehow hidden my level of attraction for men from her, because she generally seems oblivious about it. However, my gut strongly says she has repressed her concerns.

Last night, the Mrs and I watched "In Time", starring the incomparable acting talents of Justin Timberlake and Amanda Seyfried.

Actually, I was mildly impressed with Mr. Timberlake's performance. Not so bad for a former boy bander, and he's quite easy on the eyes. Not really my type, but still.

Ms. Seyfried is so fucking hot that I actually feel straight when I look at her. Her acting chops are mediocre in my opinion, but DAMMMNNNN... that face! That body! Exactly my (female) type.

Anywho, a scene came on where JT strips down to jump in the ocean. Off comes the shirt. Mmmmm. The pants get unbuckled. He starts sliding them down...

...and cut to Amanda.

"Damn!", I hear from my right (echoing my thought).

I turn my head, glaring at my wife.

"And just WHAT, may I ask, was THAT?"

She grinned sheepishly. "What? I know you think SHE is hot."

"Well yeah I do...but I wouldn't have minded seeing him too."

She suddenly looks disturbed, like I've said something verboten. Not deeply disturbed, but almost...childish? Silly but serious?

This irritated me a bit. "Hello, have we met before? I'm bisexual."

She looked at her hands. "I know", she said, "but I don't like it when you...you know..."

We got caught back up in the movie, and I let it go...but there it is.

The problem is, this is actually my fault. Like everything, I suppose.

You see, early in our relationship and marriage, she caught me looking at gay porn a couple of times. Karen has insecurity issues anyway, and she was very upset about it. Her fear and rage combined were truly something to behold.

My reaction was what fucked it up. I should have sat down with her and been TRULY honest, but I was incapable of even being honest with myself at the time. What I could have and should have done was remind her that, yes, I am bisexual, and fulfilling that side of me while maintaining my fidelity to her was not only to be expected as a man, but was also healthy. Comfort and reassure, but insist that this is a part of who I am and I should not be made to feel guilty about it.

Instead, I reacted with my head bowed in shame, profusely apologizing, both of us crying as she continued to berate and interrogate me.

I now realize that I reacted the way I did because of the deeper truth that I was unwilling or unable to face.

The deeper truth was that, despite my external and internal insistence that I was open and enlightened regarding my sexuality, I was actually still extremely repressed. The truth was I wanted to be with a man, that I was already cheating on her with men in my mind, that I had in fact cheated on her once while engaged.

And she reacted the way she did out of justified insecurity, justified fear, justified hurt...

I fucked it up. As a result, a monster lurks beneath our happy little life. A monster of my own creation, and at this point, she has convinced herself that it doesn't exist.

I fucked it up.

Q & A

I've really been blown away by the concern a lot of you guys have shown me over the past couple of days. I'm in a better head space today--maybe breaking down like that yesterday was needed. Such a drama queen, sheesh!

I've also realized that I've inadvertently left out some details to this sad, silly saga, because many of of you are asking me similar questions. So, I'm going to attempt to better explain myself here in the blog, and in the process, hopefully figure this out a little better myself.

One guy in particular, who wishes to remain anonymous, really worded these questions in a way that seem, to me, to get to the heart of things. I'm going to repost them and answer as honestly as I know how.

Can you explain how you know that you're interested in a gay relationship? Is it because you are sexually attracted to men that much that you just want to live it out on a daily basis?

This one is difficult to explain, probably because I haven't figured it out yet.

I love my wife, and she loves me. Love isn't the problem. The problem is that while I am still somewhat sexually attracted to her, my most primal attraction is for men. I have yearned, for as long as I can remember, for an emotional and sexual connection with a man. However, I didn't really realize the depth of this desire until fairly recently. I was never really honest with myself, and therefore, not honest with her.

I don't know if I want to "live it out" on a day to day basis. The thought of doing so thrills me (because I feel I would finally be true to myself), but mostly terrifies me (for many reasons). Most importantly, the cost for MY (potential) internal happiness would come at a terrible cost to hers--at least initially.

What about divorce? If you know that you are way more attracted to men, how does that leave you with your wife? Are you attracted to her? You have kids, so i assume you have sex, or did. Do you not have much sex with your wife? Do you think that the nature of your sex life with your wife affects your interest in men?

I don't want to divorce her, and yet, I don't want us both to "settle" simply because that's the easiest thing to do. As I stated previously, there IS still attraction there, but we rarely have sex anymore. Most of this is due to my lack of desire for heterosexual sex, but not entirely. She has her own issues which I'm not going to share here.

I imagine the sex situation is a bit of a Catch-22. I probably have homo sex on the brain so much because we currently have very little sex, and we have very little sex in large part because my desire for heterosexual sex is so low.

We used to have pretty hot and fairly frequent sex, especially in the beginning--of course, that's the norm. My sexual experience up to that point was very limited. I had had sex with one other girlfriend who I had lived with for a year (in sin!), and several random hook ups with random guys, all very rushed and including only oral, at the most.So...when we first started having sex (about a month into dating), it was actually exciting and (fairly) fulfilling. At least to me it was, as I had very little experience at the time.

Then kids, careers, life in general...it all slowed down. You guys know the drill.

You said that your wife knows about your bi nature, right? What does she know or not know? How do you deal with that?

My wife was originally told I was gay, before we even met, by a mutual friend. Without really going into the details, lets just say that it was more a case of this friend projecting her own issues onto me, since at that time I was very confident that I was bi, not gay. (Turns out she actually may have been right though!)

Anyway, upon our meeting, we were both mutually physically attracted to each other. I can honestly say that I did not have to play mind games with myself in order to feel that way--she was hot! She thought I was too...to bad I was gay.

I spent a lot of time convincing Karen (and now I realize, myself) that I was NOT gay, that I was bisexual and comfortable with it, and that she would have no worries with me. Eventually, she accepted that.

The thing is, I was lying to myself, and of course to her by extension.

When I look back now, it's very clear. What I wanted to be the truth was NOT the truth, and so I set about MAKING it the truth.

It's amazing to me the things that our minds will do to believe our own lies. I continued to look exclusively at gay porn, and still had the hots for guys. On a day to day basis, the ONLY chick that really caught my eye was Karen.

As the years have passed, I've somehow hidden my level of attraction for men from her, because she generally seems oblivious about it. However, my gut strongly says she has repressed her concerns.

Is it your ideal solution to have a dual-life, in which you stay married but have male sex on the side? It seems like that is the path so many of the bloggers take, especially those who, as you say, are more oriented towards men than women, I suspect. But, if you go down that road, isn't it likely to lead to more problems? Is it worth the risk to live the dual life?

This is where the rubber meets the road. What do I want?

Irrespective of her feelings...yes, this is what part of me wants. I desire male intimacy so badly that my honest answer is yes, this desire is so strong that at times, I am willing to risk it all.

The halfway point has been to repress myself forever, then eventually the need of it becomes overwhelming, yet I still don't really want to "cheat"...so I slowly work up to cruising, and eventually...

My fantasy is a FWB situation, but  that fantasy does not include the collateral damage that would ensue should it become a reality, and then blow up in my face someday.

Are you able to see yourself staying married even though you're in a situation that doesn't suit you?

What's odd is I actually can. This probably, now that I think about it, comes from my training as a PK. Putting other needs before my own, ect.

With that being said, however, it's only been recently that I have become brave enough to begin honestly facing my issues. I do know that I still love her very much, and the thought of breaking up my little family kills me.

For you, though, it sounds like you're feeling that you made the wrong choice, in marrying a woman. Is that correct?

I don't know if I can say that. We've had some truly great times together. Excluding the topic at hand, we really do "get" each other. We are best friends. And of course, the biggest one--THE KIDS! WE made those beautiful little things, together. I cannot call them the result of a wrong choice.

You say you are way more attracted to men. You didn't give a percentage. But, would you think it's fair to call yourself gay? Are you only slightly interested in women and very interested in men?

At this point I'm still trying to figure this part out. I would guess that I'm bi with an 80/20 spread towards the dudes. (Did I use that terminology correctly? I'm sooooooo not a sporty guy.) My general sexual attraction is for men, but certain women do get me going at times. That is rare, to be honest, but it does occasionally happen.

What I don't get about myself is that I actually LOVE going down on my wife. Sometimes a 69 is more hot to me than actual sex! Every truly gay man I have ever met would not go within a country mile of that "nasty tuna taco" (actual gay quote, but not about my wife!).

So, I don't know. I've been thinking about the whole "label" thing a lot lately. Have you guys ever heard the term "heteroflexible"? It's being used by guys who are straight, but are open to new experiences with men and feel no shame in doing so.

I'm thinking maybe...homoflexible? Generally gay but open to a roll in the hay with the fairer sex every so often?

We'll see...

My Little Demon

You think you see demons? I  think you are the demon...

Ok, so was my last post emo enough for you? Boo hoo...

Anyway, it felt good to get that off the ole chest. Time to man back up I suppress...I mean suppose...

I think my dilemma is boiling down to this:

1. I love my wife and enjoy her companionship.

2. I'm definitely bisexual, as opposed to outright gay. However, my general attraction is definitely more towards men.

3. I want to be straight enough to stay with her and be able to form a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship with her.

4. I am not confident, even if I can remain "straight enough" to perform for her, that it will be sexually (and perhaps emotionally?) fulfilling enough for me.

These are my demons. Not all of them of course--just the bigger ones I'm dealing with here in this blog.

Of course, according to how I was raised, what I'm really dealing with is an actual, literal demon that has possessed me as a young child.

You know what really bugs me? On some level I actually wonder if it's true.

"WHAT?!?!"--My rational mind

Yep. There it is, the result of Christian Brainwashing. It's a wonderful legacy, really. I'm so proud.

I'm truly not being hyperbolic or melodramatic, by the way. Here's a quote I heard repeated by my dad many times from the pulpit:

"Brainwash your kids with the Word of God!"

Oh, Dad. I know you meant well, you really did.

He would then go on to explain that he meant that quite literally. "Brainwash those little suckers!" he would say with a grin, to widespread chuckles.

And he actually did succeed for quite some time. But how well prepared do you think we probably were for dealing with the real world?

Exactly.

I'm almost nothing like I was back then, for almost all intents and purposes, and almost all to the positive, if I do say so myself. But it's been a long and hard road at times.

Yet internally, I'm constantly plagued with doubt. And I'm very embarrassed to admit this, but oh well:

What if, somehow, I'm wrong, and I really have allowed a (gay gasp!) gay demon to live inside me?

Ugh. Ok. I really don't believe that for various reasons, the largest being God has had ample opportunity to go all Ghostbusters on my ass for years, especially back when I begged him to do so, ad nauseam.

But there it is, in the back of my mind, gnawing at me.

Like a little demon.

Masks

I'm home sick again today. The doctor confirmed yesterday that my inability to swallow, that stabbing pain in my throat, and my bullfrog-like appearance is indeed strep. Yay. My boss is pissed. Double yay.

Kids are at school. Wife went to a friends.

As soon as she left, I started crying.

I'm finding myself conflicted over this blog. It's causing me to address things that scare the hell out of me. I'm sitting here miserable and conflicted, and she doesn't have a clue. No one does.

I can't believe I'm this good at hiding my true feelings. In a very real way, I'm an actor on a stage, every minute of every day.

My heart feels like it ls breaking. These tears keep falling. Goddammit, I love her. I can't do this. I'm going to break her fucking heart!

At the same time, I know that my eternal cognitive dissonance is slowly killing me.

Why must we wear these masks we wear? Our speech muted, our vision unclear?

I'm extremely depressed and anxious right now. If you believe in prayer, I'd appreciate it.

They cover our faces, they take away our air, all while smiling as if without care.

The Need

A lot of my Bi Married Blogging Brothers™ ;) have been writing lately about honesty. There must be something in the air, for this has also been heavily on my mind.

Among all the thoughts swirling around in my noggin right now, one of the loudest is this: Is it possible for a bi man to remain monogamous and faithful to his wife?

First of all, I'll beat you to the punch and answer myself with "Yes". Of course it's possible, ANYTHING is possible.

Ok. How about probable? Is it probable that a bi married man will remain faithful to his wife?

No. No it is not.

That's not to say it hasn't happened. I'm sure it has, but I've yet to read about it or hear of it firsthand on all the blogs and articles and e-mails I've read. Or, the blog doesn't really make it clear, so I guess on those it's a maybe.

Dear Faithful Bi Married Reader, are you a unicorn? If you're out there, can you please speak up in the comments?

So lets say these guys exist. Ok, but have they remained faithful in their minds? In the biggest sex organ we have--our brain? (Sorry, John Holmes).

That answer, dear reader, is a 100%, money-back guaranteed "no". If your bi/gay and married, then you already know this.

I think it's quite commendable if a bi guy remains physically faithful to his woman. Yet even in that best case scenario, he is still going to be unfaithful in his mind.

I'm not talking about fantasies. Everyone--male or female, gay or straight--has occasional or perhaps even frequent masterbatory fantasies that exclude their significant other.

No, I'm talking about the Need. Even if you never physically act on it, you've done so in your head a million times.

The Need will always pull on you. It will never, ever go away. Ever. You can feed it, or you can starve it---but you don't get rid of it.

How long before even the hardiest of souls give in? Even the best intentioned bi man in the world? We are only men. We are only human.

I thought when I got married that I had found happily ever after. I reasoned that I was in love with Karen and to choose marriage is to choose monogomy no matter what one's sexual orientation is.

I wasn't honest enough with myself. I have cheated on Karen in my mind almost since day 1, and eventually those mental cheats became the real thing. I'm extremely saddened by this, and ashamed of myself, for her sake.

Don't get me wrong. Some guys out there would consider what I've done to be literally next to nothing!  Just a few quick, random hook ups that weren't exactly pre-planned (although to be 100% honest, I was casually cruising in most cases).  Never anything unsafe.

But "next to nothing" and "nothing" are 2 separate things.

I want to do right by her, but I've already fucked that up. She deserves better than that.

We both do.

Fantasy

He's married, like me.

He's my best bud. Sometimes his wife and kids and mine all get together for dinners and games.

He and I insist on "man time" every couple of weeks or so, to get away for a day and chill, just us guys.

We then spend the majority of that day in bed together.

We both love our wives, and don't want to lose them, or hurt them. We remain monogomous with them, and with each other.

We understand each other perfectly. Our need for a man's firm touch is something that runs deep, and must be fulfilled. We would sooner die than betray each other's trust and destroy our families.

Our time together is our own little world of our own creation. We are equals, no matter who is giving, or who is taking. Sometimes these moments are filled with wild, lustful, animalistic abandon; in others, a tenderness that one would not expect between two men.

We often lay naked in each other's arms, savoring each other's bodies, the touch of another man.

We are friends. Our relationship remains just that--a friendship--but with amazing benefits. We can tell each other anything.

We both enjoy making love to our wives, but that has nothing to do with what we receive from each other. It is the very opposite to what making love to a woman provides--hardness instead of softness, rough instead of tender, sameness instead of the opposite.

A masculine touch, to balance the feminine.

A man's touch.

The Ideal Christian Child

I keep thinking about that article.

No definable self. Often too easily influenced by others. Trained to please everyone. Known by many, but not knowable. Forced to play rolls in life.

All quite true, I'm afraid. But the next part is what freaked me out.

"They know the right words to use in marriage; they know how to perform; but they don't know how to deeply love another person."

"Pastor's sons...have not been allowed to exercise a real will of their own. Instead, their wants, needs, desires and dreams have been subjected to the will of others. They are pretty much the ideal Christian child because they are tremendously pleasant to be around, but they later flounder in adult life".

Without going into too much detail...yeah. To a "T", yours truly.

I can honestly say I've overcome much of this, to varying degrees of success. But at the risk of sounding melodramatic, I can just as honestly say that something inside me remains damaged. I remain both rudderless and anchorless at thirty-fucking-six years of fucking age. And that fucking pisses me the fuck off!

As children, my sister and I were near perfect. We were extremely well behaved, so much so that it was a point of pride for our parents. They were always complimented on us.

As adults we have both struggled to find our own voices. I'm the more successful of us in regards to that, and I'm the one who closeted and married!

I also have a pretty sickening need for approval. This is something that has massively improved over the years, largely because nothing I do is good enough for my parents (who's approval I've longed for the most), so I have largely stopped trying in regards to them. They express approval every so often for minor things, but by and large, my liberal, free-thinking ways are anathema.

Now I'm to the point that my feelings on being disapproved of or unliked largely depend on the person. If I think they are an asshole, then fuck them.

If I like them, then I'm troubled very deeply.  But hell, depending on my level of dislike for the assholes, even being disliked by them bothers me a little!

I've been many people's best friend, but I've never felt like I have had a best friend. I'm known by many, but not really knowable. There are some who know most of me, like my wife, but even then it's only the parts I feel I can show.

With all of this said, what really gets to me is the part about not being able to deeply love another person.

As much as I love my wife, I don't know if I'm deeply in love with her. I don't know if I ever have been.

I don't know if I know how.

Anchorless

I read an article last night that blew my fragile little mind. It was about a wide-spread phenomenon occurring with pastor's kids, but in particular, with pastor's sons.

You can go to the link here. (Full disclosure: I have no idea where this ministry stands on LGBT issues.)

Here's some excerpts:

"The pastor’s sons I work with are almost always separated, divorced, or on the verge of divorce. Their wives or ex-wives complain that they just don’t possess the kind of vigor or fire that they want from a husband."

"These men often have no definable self... these men don’t have a self to control in the first place. They are anchorless and are often too easily influenced by others."

"Because they’ve been trained to be pleasant to everyone, they often over-yes and under-no others. Many think that it’s simply wrong to tell others “no.” And when they do, they lose sleep at night. Being human, having boundaries, feels unnatural and sinful to them."

"They are known by many, but not knowable in part because they possess personas, an assumed identity, but not discernable personalities. They feel that they have been forced to play rolls in life, to wear masks (one of the original meanings of “persona”), which is exhausting and depletes them of integrity and healthy self-confidence."

"They know the right words to use in marriage—they know how to perform—but they don’t know how to deeply love another person."

"Pastor’s sons...have not been allowed to exercise a real will of their own. Instead, their wants, needs, desires and dreams have been subjected to the will of others. As a result, they are pretty much the ideal Christian child because they are tremendously pleasant to be around, but they later flounder in adult life"

Holy shit. I've concentrated on my sexuality being the main issue in my marriage, and to be sure it is. And I've always been aware that my upbringing as a PK has riddled me with issues.

But I've never seen it written out this way. It summarizes my past--and sometimes present--self quite well.

Free will? Not when I was growing up. I had to be an example at all times. I was not allowed to express, or HAVE, any negative emotion.

Years ago, I learned to speak up and stand up for myself. To express myself, and express my emotions. This caused my parents some heartache, but I knew even back then that living for someone else isn't really living.

I kinda became the black sheep. We still love each other, but they can't believe I've gone "so far astray". Meanwhile, my sister is the Good Child--and miserable for it.

Being raised as a pastor's kid is supposed to give a very strong foundation...but despite years of progress, I still feel anchorless.

Oh, I've Got Your Real Steel...

I provoked a bit of a conversation with my wife last night. It was short, but telling.

We were watching "Real Steel" on Blueray which stars Hugh Jackman and Evangeline Lilly. Double yummy.

I mentioned that Miss Lilly was hot. She narrowed her eyes at me and gave me a faux-dirty look.

Grinning devilishly, I asked her if it makes her jealous when I make comments like that (which I rarely do).

She said no, because she's a  celebrity and not realistically attainable.

After recovering from her shocking assumption that Evangeline Lilly DOESN'T have the hots for me, I asked if it would bother her if I made the same sort of comment about a guy...like, say, Mr. Jackman.

Her response was no, for the same reason. "I know you better than that", she said. "It's all about obtainability. It would be different if it were people around us."

"It doesn't bother you that it's a guy?"

"No."

Here's the thing. I think she said that because she's a good little liberal. She knows that being LGBT is not a choice, and that getting mad at me for something I can't help would be hypocritical of her.

It bothers her though, I can tell.  My bisexuality has always been a source of concern for her, in large part due to a few incidents that happened early on in our relationship. More on that later...

Anyway, one more thing that I find to be wierd but cool.  It could be a coincidence, but since starting this blog my libido has increased...for my wife! Guys are still hot, but...I'm wanting her. BAD!

Confusing, but I'm just gonna go with it.

Walking In My Shoes

Hey bi/gay married guys...can anyone relate to these lyrics by Depeche Mode?

I thought so.

I would tell you about the things They put me through
The pain I've been subjected to
But the Lord himself would blush

The countless feasts laid at my feet Forbidden fruits for me to eat
But I think your pulse would start to rush

Now I'm not looking for absolution Forgiveness for the things I do
But before you come to any conclusions
Try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

You'll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments I kept If you try walking in my shoes
If you try walking in my shoes

Morality would frown upon
Decency look down upon
The scapegoat fate's made of me But I promise now, my judge and jurors
My intentions could not have been purer
My case is easy to see

I'm not looking for a clearer conscience
Peace of mind after what I've been through
And before we talk of any repentance
Try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

You'll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments I kept If you try walking in my shoes
If you try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

You Bettah Step!

In case it's not obvious enough from the name I chose, this blog is going to talk frankly about mostly 2 things:

1. Religion, especially Christianity, and how it relates to...

2. Sex, specifically same-sex attraction among married and/or religious men. Even more specifically, MY attraction to men as a married Christian man.

I realize not everyone is religious, but I have a hunch that many bi or gay married men got married due to coming from a religious background.

I'm very open to comments and even respectful criticism--but keep any judgement to yourself. I've had a lifetime of that and I'm full up.

Oh. I also curse a lot. Never around my kids, or any place or situation where it isn't appropriate. But yeah.

So if you have issues with any of this? Get to steppin'!

No Way!

How did I JUST NOW discover that Blogger has an Android app?

Ladies and gentlemen, don't do drugs.

My Bible Problem

Sex. Religion. Sexy religion! Oooh,  I need to start a cult about my dick!

It would probably have a very small following.

When it comes to religion, like sexuality, I'm riddled with issues. I'm on a constant search for the Absolute Truth, and the older I've gotten, the more I'm realizing that one only obtains that on faith.

I don't have a lot of faith, which is somewhat comical since I was raised in a very faith-centric brand of the Christian belief system. However I do have SOME. I definitely believe in God. I believe in Jesus. What I take with a huge grain of salt, however, is the Bible. Which of course is the basis for the whole thing!

It should be pretty obvious why I, or any LGBT Christian, would have this issue with the Bible. This one book is the main reason that those that are out are treated like shit, and why the rest of us are in the closet!

Don't get me wrong. I find much of the Good Book to be beautiful, comforting, enlightening, insert additional positive adjectives here.
But it's hard to take it as something that is literally from God when it tells you that you are inherently evil.

I'm also aware that there are many alternative Biblical interpretations of this issue. But let's face it: to read the Bible at face value as it has been traditionally interpreted is an extremely demoralizing experience for LGBT people.

One has to wonder: if God truly loves us as we are, and He truly is in control...why did He allow for this issue to become so misinterpreted and cause so much heartache for so many people?

Attack of the Scrotato!

I'm starting to realize that my wife has no clue about how attracted to men I am. Or, even closer to the truth I think, she is in complete denial about it.

This actually shocks me, for several reasons.

For one, I'm not the most masculine guy in the world. No, I'm not flaming. I'm not lighting up cigarettes twenty feet away simply by entering the room (maybe 5-10 feet). However...if I were to ever come out as gay, there would be a massive, collective "I KNEW it/I told you so!!" among most anyone who knows or used to know me. It's quite likely I could boost the economy simply because of the bet money that would be paid out. I hear even Vegas is taking odds on this closet fag now!

This would be especially true of anyone who knew me as a child and teen-- I learned years ago to butch it up as much as I could. It's actually something that is second nature to me now.

Also, guys turn my head...or at least my eyes, all the time. I'm constantly checking out men, especially the packages! How has she not noticed?

Our sex life is currently non existent, although it wasn't always this way. It was actually pretty damn good until we accidentally got pregnant with our third. After that, for various reasons, we were both afraid of getting pregnant again, and sex transformed into almost exclusively oral. That was fine for awhile, but my daughter is now five and a half! Too long. I finally got some decent insurance and last year I got a vasectomy. That was in May.

We have had sex twice since then. Both times, we agreed, were horrible.

Now, this hasn't completely been due to lack of desire. I was actually one of the lucky guys who end up with a massive infection! My penis and scrotum were swollen due to the surgery, but my right testicle became HUGE and extremely painful. It took awhile to recover from that, and then just a couple of months ago, I had a relapse. Attack of the Scrotato.

Can I stop right here and heartily recommend that you DON'T ever get a testicular infection? Don't believe the Hollywood glamour, boys. That shit HURTS! The increase in the size of your package is NOT worth it.

So anyway, the scrotato has been an issue too, but she acts like it's pretty much the ONLY issue.

I think that she really knows it's not, but has totally deluded herself...or have I done that to her? I know that I've been fooling myself, so I guess I've been fooling her too.

As far as I can tell, she's clueless, or has buried her fears fairly deep. Either way, I haven't been honest with her, or myself.

Young Love, Strong Love

I met my wife in 1999. I had just moved back to California after living in the midwest for a few years. A mutual friend was throwing me a "Welcome Back To Cali" party. Karen was the one who picked us up to go to the party.

I should pause for a moment and explain that, as is typical for a PK, I used to party my fucking ass off. I experimented with many things, never becoming an addict, but eventually settled into being a pothead/acidhead. I'm not advocating either of those things--I'm just being honest.

So, as it happens, when I met my wife I was frying on 3 hits of Pink Elephant acid. Yeah...it'll be awhile before we tell the kids all the details on how we met.

Anywho, she picked us up, and we had just dropped. We drove to the party, and just as we stepped out of the car, it hit. I was suddenly frying BALLS!

FYI--not all trips are created equal. Some are more body, some more visual, some more cerebral, some a mix of some or all of these.

This one just so happened to be a mind trip...and I was at a fucking WILD party with tons of people I DIDN'T KNOW.

Brilliant, Sean.

This meant that I was pretty much retarded, around a bunch of people I didn't know, except my friend. It made for a really uncomfortable evening for me, with one exception.

Karen.

For some reason, I was totally and completely comfortable around her. And despite the fact that I was tripping my balls off, she was totally comfortable around me. We immediately hit it off.

We quickly bonded and started hanging out a lot. She already had a boyfriend, but I wasn't seen as a threat because our mutual friend had informed her, before we ever met, that I was gay and had moved back to Cali to "chase the boys".

Almost, but not quite true.

I had already decided that when I got back to California I was going to pursue happiness and love, no matter where it lead me, be it with a man or a woman.

I met Karen on my third day back. It really has always felt like our meeting each other was meant to be. We had many talks about my sexuality, and I assured her I was straight enough to be with a woman. Within a month or so, she dumped her boyfriend for me. We started dating exclusively, at which point I informed her that should this get serious, she should know that I think marriage is truly insane. She agreed, but internally continued to plot my eventual demise. I loved her, but she is the one who really pushed the relationship forward.

Three months later, I proposed.

Big Ole Hot Mess

Hello my brothers. I thought when I started this thing that my posts would be more coherent, but I'm starting to realize it's probably gonna end up a big ole hot mess, like it's author. Oh well!

I was gonna post about how I met my wife before really getting into the present...but fuck it. Got shit on the brain.

Karen and I have been married for over 11 years, and together almost 13. Most of that has been happy, except for my increasing attraction to men. Sex is a rarity, although it's not just me. She has issues from previous boyfriends. By and large though, it is me with "the problem".  I WANT to be more turned on by her, but I'm just not, even though she's still attractive to me! I mean, if we start making out and get into foreplay, then yes, I'm hard and I want it. But just looking at her or any woman? Usually nothing. (Although, was just watching Kelly Clarkston's new video and DAMN!) However, guys turn my head CONSTANTLY. Sigh...and I always wonder how much she notices that.

Last night she wanted to cuddle before falling asleep. I actually WANTED sex, but she wasn't having it. Oh well, it was nice anyway. We woke up to the girls crawling into bed with us. Snuggle snuggle. I love them so much.

I'm so afraid of losing this. I love my wife, she's my best friend. I don't want to tear our home apart. These kids are my LIFE.

I feel like a selfish ass. I should have been more honest with myself years ago. Yet, had I not married Karen, I wouldn't have my kids! How the fuck could I wish they didn't exist? And what about Karen, who I DO love?

The problem is I want to make love to a man. I've had very little  sexual experience with men, always a quick random hook up, mostly before I was married. I'm not interested in that anymore.

I want to be with a man.

I want to be with my wife.

What the fuck.

So Hard

I have no idea how Natalie Maines got inside of a closeted married man's head, but she did. Tweaking only a few words, these lyrics exactly describe how I feel in regards to my marriage. Yes, I'm aware how very 16 of me this is. Bite me.

And yes, I'm aware of the double meaning of the lyrics...it's SO HARD when it doesn't CUM easy....yar har har. Let's all grow up now. ;-)

"So Hard"

Back when we started
We didn't know how hard it was
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us

Now we've got something I can imagine fighting for
So why is fighting myself all that I'm good at anymore?

And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard

It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard

It felt like a given
Something that I was born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it?

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on Cause you know it's so hard

It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

I live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

Last night I realized
That I can't remember
How to feel free

It's so hard.

My First Time

I was 14 years old and well into puberty. I walked into the bathroom, entered the stall, and sat down.

There was a hole in the wall between me and the next stall. It was about 3" in diameter, and I could see clearly through it. An older guy (to me, he was probably early twenties, tops) sat hunched over. After a few  seconds, he sat up...

...revealing a spectacular, huge, hard, pulsing cock! To my young eyes, this thing appeared to be a foot long. In reality it still had to be 7-8" at least.

I was instantly hard as a rock, and started beating off. I watched as he did the same, and FUCK, this guy was HOT. Hot body to go along with that beautiful dick, and after a bit we checked out each other's faces...he was way cute. Dark hair and eyes, like me.

After a couple of minutes, he put his fingers in the hole. I stood up, and put my dick through the hole.

Oh...wow! Wet, warm heaven! Dear sweet mother of mercy! He took me all the way in, til his mouth touched my pubes. I started thrusting in and out, and he began licking my glans. Being my first time with anyone other than myself, I came within seconds.

Of course, my load was HUGE. I spurted and jerked and shot load after load. He swallowed every drop, drinking my cock like his life depended on it.

Slowly I came back down to earth and withdrew. As I did, he stood up and stuck his huge cock through the hole.

Suddenly in a panic, I buckled my pants and left as quickly as I could, off to find my mom and sister.

Derp

So now I'm gonna switch gears for just a sec and say OMG, LMMFAO (that's "LAUGHING MY MOTHER FUCKING ASS OFF")  at myself for being, like, the 358,401st "Married And Maybe Gay!!"  blog out there. Yay Sean, you are the very vanguard of the cutting edge, as usual.

Old Glory

I put my hand on my forehead and started to pray. I began to command these demons to leave me, NOW, in the name of Jesus!

Nothing happened.

Over the years, I tried many variations of this theme. I cried out to God, I prayed, I begged, I pleaded, I sobbed...my heart wanted nothing more than for to God to take it away.

He never did. I never felt the slightest change in my sexuality. In fact, I only grew more attracted to men.

But wait! The Bible is 100% true, every word of it! So what was I doing wrong? As the months passed, I grew depressed, which soon blossomed into thoughts of suicide.

My whole world revolved around God, and God doesn't make mistakes! So what was I? Obviously I was doing something wrong. I was sick, and something inside of me was stained, wicked.

Fuck this. I will CHOOSE to be straight, and that will fix it. Obviously, this is a choice, so I'll choose to never think about men in "that way". There.

That might have worked...but then I discovered a glory hole in our local Kmart men's room.

Fuck.

Unclean Spirits

I don't really know where to start, so I guess I'll begin with the basics of me.

I was born and mostly raised in the California desert. My dad was the offspring of dust-bowl Okies who moved to Cali during the Depression. My mom is from the south and is the very definition of a conservative southern lady. Together they entered the ministry when I was a toddler, and have been pastors my entire life.

I have been attracted to the same gender pretty much as far back as I can remember...at least 7 or 8 or so. I would occasionally have crushes on girls, but even at that early age, it was male intimacy that I primarily desired.

I was raised in the "non-denominational" charismatic brand of the Christian faith. Speaking in tongues, laying on of hands/faith healing, getting "slain in the spirit", the Bible is the literal Word of God, ect. I was the pastor's son.

Being a pastor's kid, or PK if you will, has many perks. For instance, you get to be at every single service and function, a minimum of several times a week. You are the first to arrive, and the last to leave. All eyes are on you, and you must be an example at all times.

Except when you're sneaking around to smoke, drink and do coke with your Christian friends. Shhh!

Ah, the memories.

I was allowed to go to public school once, in the first grade.  Other than that one year, I went to small Christian schools or was home schooled. I was not allowed to listen to secular (non-Christian) music, or watch such evil cartoons as He-Man or Scooby Doo. I was not allowed to go to unapproved  parties, nor have any non-Christian friends.

I wanted to fucking die.

I was raised in the very womb of conservative thought. The Bible was the final word on everything, and the Bible says that homosexuality is a sin. Well... The beautiful, magical time known as puberty came along and eventually I started to realize that I was checking out guys way more than girls. Um....no. NO! That is wrong, it's sin, it's disgusting in the eyes of a righteous God. So of course, I did what was right,  what was the only obvious rational solution.

I tried to cast demons out of myself.

Me Brine's Garna Esplode It Tis!

I'm hoping to post something of substance soon. I have sooooooo many thoughts rumbling around that I don't know where to start. Plus a snow storm has the kids home today, and Karen and I are both off too. Right now cleaning and jammin out to the Dixie Chicks.

GAY!

Every time I turn around, I run into myself...

Queer I Am!

When I was about twelve or so, in the late 80's, the AIDS epidemic had reached it's zenith in the gay community. AIDS was a death sentence, and it was spreading. One day after church, I stood around listening to the adults talk. The subject turned to AIDS, and my mother said, to mass agreement, "They should just put all the homosexuals and anyone with AIDS on an island and leave them there!"

Her words...hurt somehow. I remember they literally turned my stomach.I looked at her, and said "But mom, what if I had AIDS? Would you do that to me?"

She looked at me like I had just said the sky was yellow...but she never did answer.